Origami #poetry

origami-catOrigamis fall apart.
The center does not fold.

–Pleats

Off the Top of My Head

humanityI’m introducing a new feature here in the salt mines fueled by my insatiable desire to innovate. Off the top of my head I’ve decided to call it Off the Top of My Head. It’s part hair-raising excitement, part brainy thought-provoking ideas, a healthy dose of attitude, a smattering of snark, and, of course, snow drifts of dandruff.

Here’s just a little slice of the all-American pie known as Shit I’m Pondering Lately. This is stuff right Off the Top of My Head. (This post contains very little actual research.)

  • A doctor was diagnosing people with cancer when they did not have cancer. He even gave them chemo.
  • A doctor has been diagnosing women with MS when they did not have MS and putting them on a potentially dangerous battery of expensive medications.
  • Stories about sexual misconduct by doctors when patients are under have been in the news of late.
  • A priest installed a hidden camera that looks like a power outlet in the women’s restroom in his church. Before he could be brought to justice he bravely fled the country. Amen.
  • I’ve always known about the existence of hypocrites yet somehow I can still feign surprise when they are dragged out and exposed to the light of day. The case of John Duggar, a hyper-energetic evangelical Christian (see Quiverfull) is interesting. On one hand he’s an upstanding member of the community and fights for causes he believes in, like the sanctity of marriage (aka “seedbed of virtue”) while serving on an organization known as the Family Research Council. On the other hand he’s paying $250 for an account on AshleyMadison.com, a web site that helps married people have affairs. Absolutely breathtaking.
  • Then there’s the case of Jared Fogle, Subway pitchman and part-time child pornographer. Let’s see. What’s the tally now? Bill Cosby? Horny. Brett Favre? Horny. Anthony Weiner? Horny. Tiger Woods? Horny. John Edwards? Horny. Sandwich guy? Really, really horny. Need I continue? I think I see a trend.

My point? None, really. Except, perhaps, that people like these actually exist. They are out there. They walk among us. They are, like Mr. Rogers likes to say, some of the people in our neighborhoods.

Who has a stronger moral code than humans? Try the humble amoeba. For starters.

Bonus read: Quiverfull of Shit: a Guide to the Duggars’ Scary Brand of Christianity (Gawker.com)

Night Shrift

exhausted-kittyTom’s Law #42
Want to know who’s really in charge? Wait for the shit to go down and just watch.

Every year or so the stories briefly get featured on the evening news like a blip on a gloomy green radar screen then are as quickly forgotten. Until the next study is released or, worse, some human bodies are asploded. Now that’s news.

Think of a list of professions where you’d really like people to be fully rested and alert. Airline pilots? Air traffic control? Doctors? Truck drivers?

Nice list. Congratulations. You just came up with a list of people that we fuck the most. Logical, right?

This week, again, the issue of employee fatigue was in the news. The FAA commissioned a study on air traffic controller fatigue. The results are none too surprising. Then the government fought for four years to keep the findings secret.

“Psst. Hey dude. I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. You pay top dollar for me to conduct a study about how I’m fucking you over. Then I keep the results secret from you. Sounds like fun, right?”

What could possibly be going on here? Luckily I got a good night’s sleep.

Continue reading →

DIY: Genderproofing Your Home

gender-signsWhat? Another DIY post? Wow. I must really be in the mood to be helpful.

Target, apparently a retail establishment that peddles cheaply-made crap (most of it likely sourced from overseas and presumably made with cheap labor) recently announced it was taking down gender-based signage in their stores. The new policy applies to departments like “toys” and “bedding.” Clothes, apparently, still have a long way to go, baby.

The old way of shopping worked something like this:

“Hey, we gotta get a toy for Pat. The kid is having a birthday soon.”

“OMFG! What gender is Pat? Do we even know?! That’s it, man. Game over. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen.”

“Whoa. Easy there. Calm down. We know what it is. Pat is currently a boy.”

“Whew. Okay. Close one. Let’s go to Target. We’ll head for the section labeled Toys For Boys. Make no mistake about it. We will not go down the aisle labeled Toys For Girls. No fucking way!”

At the store: “Now these are toys for boys. Get the erector set, Lincoln logs, Army men, flamethrower, truck nuts, 8×10 color glossy of Mike Rowe, a jumbo jar of Rambo sweat, and box of Cuban cigars.”

“Fuckin’ A.”

Now, thanks to Target, you can shop the new way:

“Oh, noes. The ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ signs are gone. Now we’re forced to choose from aisles simply labeled ‘toys.’ What are we supposed to do now? We’re gonna die!!!”

Don’t go sticking your head in an Easy Bake Oven just yet.

Continue reading →

DIY: How To Drink Whiskey

cat-cat-jack1Is this some kind of trick? How to drink whiskey?! Are you kidding me?

“You know how to drink, don’t you? You just put your lips together and suck.”

No shit, Sherlock. Every newborn that ever successfully met a nipple knows that much.

Why do the DIY nut jobs have to overcomplicate everything? I think they got a screw loose.

OK, smartypants. How do you drink whiskey?

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Lost Works of Dr. Seuss – Excerpt

asshole-neighbor

Lost works of Dr. Seuss have been popping up madly. I searched my attic and found one about neighbors acting badly. I don’t own the rights so I won’t be a millionaire. But on my blog under “fair use” claims I figured I would share.

Enjoy.

The Butthole Battle Book – Death to a Neighbor

Here’s a little story about a creature I abhor
A freak of nature who’s my closest neighbor

Continue reading →

The Cat Carrier Incident

cat-carrierA friend called and asked a favor. I’m not exactly the kind to give the shirt off my back so I was immediately wary and assumed a defensive stance. But it turned out all he wanted was to borrow our cat carrier. I said yes. I figured, what the hell.

What is it to actually be considerate of a person other than yourself? And why has this become such a lost art?

Recently it was the Fourth of July. As such, I had strongly considered keeping the cat carrier handy in case the asshole neighbor(s) shot fireworks at our house and set it ablaze. I wanted to be be disaster prepared and able to whisk my kitties away to safety at a moment’s notice.

Alas, I was afflicted by inertia and never got off my lazy ass to get the damn thing. I decided to roll the dice and play the odds. After all, my house wouldn’t burn down. Probably.

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