It has been too long since I blogged about driving. I must have been distracted. Well, no more. Hang on. I’m putting it in “L” for “Lunge.” (Like dad used to say.)
You want to kill me? I want to kill you? Fine. We’re gonna settle this once and for all the way nature intended. We’re gonna settle it on the streets. Let’s race.
Psst. Hey, buddy. Wanna buy a road-based transportation system? This baby is state-of-the-art. It’s the absolute finest this planet has to offer. And it only kills +32,000 people per year and injures over two million more. And that’s in the United States alone.
Wow. That does sound great. I’ll take it!
Excuse me. I have to take this call. Okay, I’m back. What were we talking about again? Look out! We’re about to hit that … uh oh.
90 percent of drivers rate their own driving skill as “above average.” They can’t all be right, can they? It turns out that 99.9% of the 90% are delusional idiots.
I, however, can successfully claim to be among the best of the best on the road. I am automotive elite. No, I’m not bragging. It’s not bragging when it’s a fact. And what makes me so special? Only I have the arcane knowledge of the ancients that serves me
in the field of battle when I’m driving a car.
Because I like you, I’ll tell you what it is. I’m even going to tell you for free even though this simple trick is worth millions. The arcane secret of being the best in a car is … hey, where are you going? I’m unloading guru wisdom here. Eyes on me.
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The history of soda portions is super-sized fun. When introduced by McDonalds in 1955, a cup of soda weighed 7 oz. By 2012, however, a 12-ounce soda was considered “kid’s size.” McDonalds, Wendy’s and Burger King all rolled out 42 ounce size single-serving potions called, respectively: Supersize, Great Biggie, and King Size. Since, then, however, those paltry portions have been dwarfed by the Mega Jug at KFC (64 oz), the Beast at ARCO (85 oz), HuMUGous at Kum & Go (100 oz) and the Team Gulp at 7-Eleven (128 oz).
Are you noticing a trend yet? Your keen scientist brains should already be extrapolating future results. My linear regression line indicates that by 2042 a single-serving size will be approximately the capacity of a backyard swimming pool. I call this the LaGrange Point of Soda Evolution. We’ll have achieved something truly special when we’re actually able to swim in our serving sizes.
The point is: We’re a thirsty lot.
With all this in mind, a construction worker name Christopher Lewis of North Charleston recently was having lunch at the Ralph H. Johnson VA Medical Center in Charleston, S.C. He went to the self-serve soda dispenser and got himself a soda refill. And, by doing so, prompted an improbable chain of events that has irrevocably changed the face of law enforcement as we know it. It makes the Twinkie Defense look like child’s play.
Behold the power of liquid candy.
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Hope you have a bunny good Easter, laddies and lassies.
Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:
by Tom B. Taker
Blixem was melancholy. Another winter and it was the same old thing. A whole year of preparing for one crazy night. He was in a rut deep enough to hang Christmas stockings. He wandered aimlessly away from Christmas Town followed by his pet, Hooman.
He trudged all night without purpose through the snow until he found himself in a forest. Then, at dawn, he stumbled into a strange grove of trees. They were arranged in a circle and each contained a door with a mysterious symbol.
“What’s this?” Blixen said. “It’s someplace new!”
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Tom doesn’t think Dallas is dumb because he peed in the water. Tom thinks Dallas is dumb because Dallas talks about himself in the third-person. That’s just weird, man. And why isn’t the headline for this story “Dallas Pisses In Portland’s Water,” because that has a much more sinister ring to it. Why does Dallas hate Portland? Is it because we serve more kale and have more FPC (Fedoras Per Capita) than any city in the United States? With this latest flush of 38 million gallons, Portland breaks it’s own record of 7.5 million gallons in the same reservoir. Me? I’m not understanding the science. I mean, don’t ducks poop in that water? What the hell are they doing about that? Duck poop good, teenager pee bad. Personally I think the punishment should fit the crime. I would have made Dallas drink the water. All of it.
Originally posted on PIX 11:
PORTLAND, Ore. (PIX11) – A skater accused of urinated in a Portland reservoir forcing city water officials to dump 38 million gallons of drinking water admits he answered nature’s call near the reservoir, but definitely did not pee in the water.
That’s according to an exclusive, expletive-laden interview by Vocativ with teen.
“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news,” Dallas Swonger told the digital newsgathering operation.
“It’s no f—in’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the f—in’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s f—ing awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?”
Vocativ reports that Swanson had recently moved back to Portland and was skateboarding with…
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I’m a webmaster and programmer by trade. Part of my job duties involve administration of the company’s web server. As such, I do my absolute best to block all traffic from China.
Why? Because of the hacking that originates there. There’s not a day that goes by where some automated script isn’t attacking my server, and most of it originates in China. I’m not saying it’s state-sponsored, but on the other hand, there doesn’t seem any official effort to stop it, either. Perhaps it’s a matter of calculated indifference, which I surmise is a close cousin to plausible deniability.