Hyppo and Critter: Holy Lasers

h-and-c142

Comic: Quatloos

shark-tank

Guru Comic: Friendly

guru-friendly

Divorce Comes A-Courting

shoutabyss:

FYI: An article I wrote about Valentine’s Day was published by this other website. Fools.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

doghouseThere’s no use crying about it. Valentine’s Day is upon us. It’s not like there’s anything we can do to stop it. Be mine.

At least we’ve got Christian Grey to take away the sting of days like this. That’s bound to be good, right? (Then again, maybe not. These are just comments off the cuff.) Oh well, let’s see what I can whip up.

Cryin’ Man
(sung to the tune of Iron Man)

I am cryin’ man (robotically auto-tuned)

Is love live or dead?
Muff the day and she’ll see red
Did he buy a card?
Spend the night in the yard

Never seen again
He is gone from her world
Proven unworthy
Heart-shaped box is hurled

Have a heart, will ya? At least I’m not going to regale you with ye olde standard complaints oft heard in relation to Valentine’s Day:

  • Baby, I love you 24/7/365. It’s offensive…

View original 895 more words

The Cow Goes Moola

farmAnd now we bring you a history lesson as imagined by the Guru…

Maybe we were meant to fight our way through, struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can’t stroll to the music of the lute. We must march to the sound of drums.

–Captain James Tiberius Kirk

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

–The Bible, Matthew 7:13-14

In the beginning human life crawled out of the primordial ooze and was horny. But, even before that, it was hungry. Foods, it thought. We need foods.

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You Must Present

I like this image. No disrespect to Pankaj Ghemawat is intended.

I like this image. No disrespect to Pankaj Ghemawat or the Eight Percent is intended.

These days, if you decide to come after Twitter, you had best bring your A-game. You gotta have cred. Because, when the shit hits the fan, you have a grand total of .42 seconds to capture the attention of that potential follower or lose ‘em forever.

You get one chance. One!!

Strike while the iron is hot. Seize the day. Squeeze lemonade out of their lemons. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

That’s where I come in. My latest business idea will give you insta-playa status. Make the jump for our special presentation or choose the path that leads to dying alone.

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Famous Toms: Stankus

Allegedly a Stankus, Tom. No relation.

Allegedly: Stankus, Tom. No relation.

I was sitting around holding my eyelids open and trying to shoot tiddlywinks inside when I had an idea. “My name is Tom. Who are other people named Tom?”

Yes. It is time for this blog to get all educational up in your grill. I am proud to present a new irregular ongoing series entitled Famous Toms From History.

First up is someone named Stankus. Yes, that’s Tom Stankus, you brainiac. You catch on fast.

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