Let’s chat

shoutabyss:

The promise of cell phones: “I’m a parent and I have to be able to reach my kids.” The reality of cell phones: “Did you see The Real Housewives of #PDX last night?” I’ll bet the lofty reasons happen less often than matching all the balls in the lotto. All hail self-justification.

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

Here’s a little instant chat transcript between me and an associate (codenamed “Xi”) the other day. You must start by reviewing the link that prompted the following exchange…

Me:link
Xi: that is class
Xi: why do they care so much if you’re on your cell phone
Me: personally i’d guess because it’s rude as hell to relate to another human being (like during a commerce transaction) with one of those things pressed against your face. that’s just my guess, though. :)
Xi: and personally I don’t care what anyone at the counter thinks- If I have to call my baby sitter and tell them I”m running late, who are you (as in the counterman) to be offended for my parenting.
Xi: or been on hold with cable company for 45 minutes, Im not about to hang up for the counterman!
Me: hey you set me up :)
Xi: lol

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Fun Facts For Thanksgiving

shoutabyss:

I’m thankful for this post so it’s my reblog of the week.

Originally posted on Partner Xchange Blog:

Fun Friday

thanksgiving-charlie-brown-snoopy

1. The TV dinner and Thanksgiving. In 1953, Swanson overestimated the demand for turkeys that Thanksgiving by a mere 26 tons. Luckily, someone quickly thought that the way to remedy the flub would be to cut up the turkey and package it with trimmings. And hello TV dinners!

2. No shopping if you’re a plumber. Black Friday is the busiest day of the year for plumbers! Sorry, no black Friday shopping for you!

3. Living in Turkey. There are four U.S. places named Turkey–Turkey Creek, Louisiana; Turkey, Texas; Turkey, North Carolina; Upper Turkeyfoot and Lower Turkeyfoot, Pennsylvania.

4. Thanksgiving brought to you by Abe Lincoln. Good old honest Abe was the one who declared Thanksgiving a national holiday after a magazine editor named Sarah Josepha Hale lobbied for the holiday. Hale also is responsible for writing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

5. Gobble. Male turkeys called “Toms” gobble, but female turkeys…

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Guru Comic: Suffering

guru-suffering

Manson In Love

Play me some damn Barry White!

I’m in the mood for love. Play me some damn Barry White! Get me a beer, Shelly!

Star

Code Name: Star

Eight Simple Rules For Mating My Mid-Twenties Plotter

Who says there’s no good news anymore? A wedding?!? For reals? Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah! I, for one, am ready for a healthy, deep-cleansing cry. Somebody get me a hanky.

Charles Manson, 80, and Afton Elaine Burton (using the known alias of Star), 26, are getting ready to say the big “I do.” Reportedly the State of California has issued these rambunctious youngsters a license to marry.

I was wondering about the rules in a situation like this. Here goes.

  1. No touching!!! Daddy horny, Michael.
  2. Write your own vows. I obtained an advance copy of Charlie’s. “If you look down at me you will see a fool; if you look up at me you will see a god; if you look straight at me you will see yourself.” That’s some deep fucking shit. I wasn’t able to get my grubby mitts on a copy of Star’s but I imagine it would be something along the lines of, “These shrooms are making me so high, man.”
  3. Sometimes a crazed look in the eye is more than enough.
  4. A single serving of Viagra is worth a carton of cigarettes.
  5. An appropriate color scheme is crucial to complement the swastika tattoo between your eyes.
  6. Scheduling early is crucial if one wishes to be joined together by an officially licensed Church of Satan representative.
  7. As a musician, Manson can also be the wedding singer performing his own original songs. No one should have to sit through that. (I offer my services performing the song, Halloween In Heaven; Christmas In Hell.)
  8. The couple wishes no gifts from this physical plane of existence (other than Depends) and asks that donations are made in the couple’s name to Toys For Tots.
Charles Manson wedding vows. (Alternate version.)

Charles Manson wedding vows. (Alternate version.)

Likeotomy

Insulin_shock_therapy

Doctors performing likeotomy on a volunteer subject.

A reading from the book of Demotivational Dictionary:

likeotomy |līˈkätəmē|

noun (pl. likeotomies) [ usu. in sing. ]

usage of the “favorite” button on tweets about my lobotomy: too bad you are now unable to grok the likeotomy I gave you.

A reading from the book of Demotivational Dictionary.

I’m pretty much a collector of likes. Feel free to share one of your own. I always appreciate them. I think.

[I] want to say thank you to you. I haven’t had an orthodox career and I’ve wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it. And I can’t deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me! Thank you.
–Sally Fields, March 25, 1985

Sally Field about to bludgeon who failed to favorite a tweet.

Sally Field about to bludgeon a cretin who failed to favorite her tweet.

Thank you, Ms. Fields. That’s exactly how I feel each and every time one of my tweets gets a star on the Twitter Walk of Shame. I’ve personally counted more visits by Halley’s Comet, though.

It works like this: You see a tweet you like (or some other masturbatory form of social media expression) and you like it. So you click the little icon that means favorite, like, upvote, star and/or what not. What’s so hard to understand about that?!

It turns out that “like” is sometimes the wrong tone.

“My father molested me every single day until I was eight years old.”

Do you think, somehow, that “like” seems misplaced here?

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Societal death spasms

deathNeighbor kills neighbor. Don’t worry, though. They will pay for what they’ve done. Especially if they hate the inconvenience of annoying paperwork, attending a couple of hearings and paying a fine. That’s more than sufficient punishment for killing a fellow human being, right?

What is a society? My definition is a system where people make decisions that impact the safety of others. More and more it seems like that’s the only definition that matters.
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Who’s Sheetin’ Who?!

wharrgarblLet’s Do It Kroc-Style: Boom Like That!

History is written by the victors.
–Winston S. Churchill

I have this personal pet theory. It goes a little something like this:

What do I mean by this? It’s time for a tale of hungry dogs, drowning by garden hose, buxom secretaries, altered birth certificates and who’s car is parked next door.

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