Lost Works of Dr. Seuss – Excerpt

asshole-neighbor

Lost works of Dr. Seuss have been popping up madly. I searched my attic and found one about neighbors acting badly. I don’t own the rights so I won’t be a millionaire. But on my blog under “fair use” claims I figured I would share.

Enjoy.

The Butthole Battle Book – Death to a Neighbor

Here’s a little story about a creature I abhor
A freak of nature who’s my closest neighbor

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The Cat Carrier Incident

cat-carrierA friend called and asked a favor. I’m not exactly the kind to give the shirt off my back so I was immediately wary and assumed a defensive stance. But it turned out all he wanted was to borrow our cat carrier. I said yes. I figured, what the hell.

What is it to actually be considerate of a person other than yourself? And why has this become such a lost art?

Recently it was the Fourth of July. As such, I had strongly considered keeping the cat carrier handy in case the asshole neighbor(s) shot fireworks at our house and set it ablaze. I wanted to be be disaster prepared and able to whisk my kitties away to safety at a moment’s notice.

Alas, I was afflicted by inertia and never got off my lazy ass to get the damn thing. I decided to roll the dice and play the odds. After all, my house wouldn’t burn down. Probably.

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Comic Strip: Molecules

molecules

The Business Omen: Bodes of Portends

My organization asked me to select a vendor, conduct negotiations, and secure their services. To that end I put on a suit and tie. I also washed myself. (With soap this time.) This was important.

Naturally I selected a slick company that was “unparalleled” and the “world’s best” at what they did. I was connected with a sales person. We did a little dance.

I filed reports with the CEO about what I learned. He got back to me. He was going with my recommendation.

Oh, shit.

world-class-application

A world-class application. (Artist rendering.)

Company credit card in hand, I inked the contract. I was then directed to the company’s website to open our shiny new account.

ERROR. (See right.)

Every journey begins with a single step. Each step is an interval where you can be screwed. Enjoy the journey.

“Thanks for choosing ACME Velociraptors Inc. LTD Corp.,” said the salesperson who was now my close personal friend. “I’ll give you a call on Monday to go over implementation.” He even bade me, “Have a nice weekend.”

It’s now Monday. I’m literally stunned that he didn’t call. Am I supposed to wait three days before I call him? I don’t want to look desperate. Oh, forget it. I already emailed him a couple hours ago. He hasn’t called back.

Where did I go wrong? I thought he liked me.

This is one bump in the road too many. Suddenly I don’t feel so good. This is a bad omen, man. This does not portend well. Beware the bodes of business.

Is he born of a jackal or is that me? I’m new to this shit.

Short Shorts: How to buy a PC

The boss asks for your opinion. “I need a recommendation for a new computer.”

You ask a few questions. Price range? Purpose? Anything special it needs to do?

You take the task seriously. You conduct research. You think outside of the box. You are creative and expend energy. You want to do a good job.

This isn’t your specialty but you try your best. After finding what you think is a pretty good answer, you pass it on.

The next day that boss says, “My spouse told me to buy something else. Something totally different than what you recommended. I’m going with that.”

In a few days the computer shows up. It’s neither. It turns out the boss went for a third option. The very thing you cautioned against way back at the beginning.

The boss now has a stupid piece of shit but it was worth it to put you in your place and make you spin your wheels. It sure can be funny how things work out.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

confedPiggly Wiggly
(Theme song to The Dukes Of Hazzard)

Just’a good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm
Spendin’ all their summer days
With a pig in the barn

Makin’ their way
The only way they know how
By tryin’ to milk a bull
Just’a same as a cow

I’m a visionary. Decades ago I thought the Confederate Flag was as queer as a three dollar bill. It just took a while for this notion to become trendy enough for y’all to take it down.

I have a few words to say on the subject. As you can probably reckon from the subtle opening, I’m here to treat the topic with all the reverence that it deserves. I’m also going to try to avoid repeating all the same tired arguments we’ve heard from both sides of the issue.

A national Gallup poll this month found that 32% of Democrats and 78% of Republicans view the flag as a symbol of “Southern pride” rather than one of “racism.” Let that stick in your craw for a bit.

At the same time, 64% of whites favored the “Southern pride” view while only 19% of blacks felt the same way. Ya think?

Seldom are numbers so astonishingly black and white.

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Justice is eyes gouged out

blind-justiceThey say that justice is blind. As far as I can tell it has had its eyes gouged out.

Compare and contrast.

A man with a .38 revolver and 10 rounds of ammunition entered a building. He went to the office of his first victim and shot him in the shoulder and chest, and twice in the head. He reloaded his gun while walking to another office and found his second victim who was shot five times with “the final two shots fired with the gun’s barrel touching” the victim’s skull.

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