Coffee Tabled

coffee-drinker

The word is no. I am therefore going anyway. Give me what I want, and I’ll consider it.

My wife and I were driving around the big city on a Sunday morning. It was almost lunchtime. We had skipped breakfast.

“I could go for some kibble,” I said.

“Actually,” she replied. “Me, too.”

I was a little surprised but excited, too. We were going to eat out. But where? We took out our daggers and prodded each other, as we are often wont to do.

“Wherever you want,” I said.

“No,” she replied menacingly. “Wherever you want.”

Clink. Clink. Clink. The cold steel of our daggers danced their elegant dance.

“Let’s go to the bar you wanted to try. The one with the fried chicken.”

“The hell you say!” I turned the car around. “We’re going to that coffee shop you mentioned the other day.”

“All they got is coffee and baked goods.”

“Excellent,” I emoted, channeling Commander Kruge, the asshole Klingon from Star Trek III: The Search For Spock. “Perfect. Then that’s the way it shall be.”
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Vacation Interruptus

shoutabyss:

Boss wounds heal slow. Take a stroll down memory lane with me, won’t you?

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

Some people think they are intelligent, brag about being intelligent, take pride in being intelligent and … are actually intelligent. (I’m one of these humble people and I’m here to tell you it’s no cakewalk!)

Then there are the people who think they are intelligent, brag about being intelligent, take pride in being intelligent, revel in being smarter than everyone around them and … are actually the dumbest people in the room.

Some people are dumb and they know it. Then there are the people that are so stupid, they actually think they are the smart ones.

In other words, this is yet another post about my boss.

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There Is No “X” In Espresso

shoutabyss:

A very cute song about grammar. If the kinetic typopgraphy reminds you of the song Shop Vac, that’s because it’s by the same guy! That alone makes this video excellent.

Originally posted on The Bungalow Blog:

Still not working on our decks. But we did go out and measure. Then I got distracted by this word-ology mix Word Crimes from “Weird Al” Yankovic, the guru of grammar.

Happy Saturday. Word.

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King Macklemore And The Game Of Thrones

macklemoreThe #poop tag comes back with a vengeance. –Ed.

You just can’t invent stuff like this. King, a county in Washington state, released a music video imploring the public to not put anything in the toilet except “human waste.” Swoon. I may have found a new home. Their song is a parody of Macklemore’s smash hit Thrift Shop.

I admit I’d never heard the song Thrift Shop. I admit I’d never heard of anyone named Macklemore. Is that his first or last name? Or is this a single-name-situation like Madonna, Prince, Sting and Digit?

In an urge to write a post about this parody song, I turned to Google to find a suitable image to adorn my writings. What? Macklemore also did a song about toilets?

Holy shitcans! Sometimes life can be funny. Behold, Simba, the circle of life! Everything goes full circle. Like water swirling down a drain.

But wait. The circle doesn’t end there. This circle has got levels replete with layers, yo.

As far as I can tell, Macklemore is turd. Turds go in toilets. That’s exactly what King County wants you to know. Further, their parody song riffs on the word “fucking” by replacing it with “flushing.” Yes, a government did this. And, finally, to bring it all back home, in his spare time, Macklemore raps about toilets.

Circle. Full. Flush. Repeat.

No crap about it, this could amuse me all day long. And, in an ironic twist of fate, some have criticized the $123,000 spent on the music video as governmental waste. Cover Oregon had their own famous example of this. Has the King of Waste finally been dethroned? (Reportedly $2.9 million was spent on the Cover Oregon TV and radio spots.) Rocky King, the former executive director of Cover Oregon, said that urgent time frames drove the need for the expensive campaigns. They didn’t have a lot of time to get the word out. Yes, King. (No relation to the county.) I told you this was all connected.

You can’t spell “crap” without R-A-P. Kick it! It’s time to tell you busters all about it!
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Retail Bait

Yo, bouncer. Check this out. Automatic playa status!

Yo, bouncer. Check this out. Insta playa status! I go to the front of the line.

So you want to be in the mail order business. Whether traditional “brick and mortar” or hanging out your shingle online, you have decided to ask the same question: How easy is it to rip me off?

Mail order is a retail system where fulfillment takes place at a remote location outside of your field of view and control. Think of it as the fog of war. By definition you are operating with less than full information. By design. Remember, this was your choice.

You might as well go in a dark alley and roll some dice. You might get better odds.

Here’s a typical scenario:

  1. Customer/criminal visits your website and loads up on plastic crap made in China. (Let’s be honest, that’s all you sell.)
  2. Payment is made with a credit card.
  3. You rub your hands together in glee, shout “Squee!” and box and ship the crap.
  4. Customer/criminal fiend receives the crap.
  5. Customer/criminal fiend then claims crap was never received and “disputes” the charges with the credit card company.
  6. The credit card company (aka The Vig) is, in this situation, the sole arbiter of truth, justice and the American way. You agreed to this policy.
  7. You submit all of your detailed records regarding the transaction including: customer order, shipping receipt, emails, phone records, retina scans, DNA samples and a electronic facsimile of thumbprint.
  8. The credit card company says, “Well, there just ain’t no way to know!” and decides in the customer’s criminal’s favor. There’s a giant sucking sound as the money is extracted from your account.

Let’s review. What just happened? The customer isn’t out one single penny and the customer has your stuff. Bazinga! And there’s no magical fairy in the universe that’ll ever do one thing about it. Welcome to your new reality.

Those of you who watch Orange Is The New Black may recognize this tactic as employed by the criminal mastermind Lorna Morello during her pre-prison flashbacks. People really get caught for this? No. Remember, OITNB is fiction.

The bottom line is that shipping product mail order to a customer is a supreme act of faith. You’re basically hoping it’ll all work out. And when it doesn’t, there’s isn’t too much you can do about it.

The point is that when this happens the boss is furious and that, of course, is hilarious.

Dentite Bites

cat-and-toothAll across this beautiful nation of ours people are getting stoned out of their gills. (Which, thanks to fantastic advances in high jinx pharmacological science they literally believe they have. Gills, I mean.) Some get so high, either by themselves or administered by their prostitutes) that they depart for a higher plane of existence.

Me? I’ll imbibe the occasional mint julep (in honor of Dr. Leonard McCoy) but that’s about as far as it goes. I don’t get high. I get even. And man, I am so even right now. But seriously, though, the best I ever accomplish is a temporary hit to my already questionable judgement. And a nap. Alcohol is always followed by a nap.

Beyond that, the only time I have need for drugs is when I’m in pain. P-A-I-N. Like when a tooth goes supernova. It’s the old arrow through the tooth routine. Ha ha.

But unlike every street rat and Silicon Valley exec, my choices are decidedly limited. I have abscess to anything as long as it literally does nothing (except, maybe, the side effects). What a deal!

So I call the dentist. It’s an “emergency,” I say. No problem! “How does Tuesday next week sound?” How does that sound? How about I feast on your soul with my last working tooth?

They always think I’m after the drugs. Yeah, people on the streets are scarfing pills like they’re Fruit Loops but I’m going to call you, my dentist, to get my fix on.

“Just take some over-the-counter stuff,” he says. As if the words uttered by a dentist actually makes them effective and gives them power. Acetaminophen. Ibuprofen. The words just roll off the tongue. Or they ought to for all the good they’ll do. Are you freaking kidding me? They just announced a study this week which revealed acetaminophen is no more effective for lower back pain than placebos. Which is unfortunate because acetaminophen is pretty much the #1 recommended analgesic for lower back pain. Oops. Our bad. (Which, by the way, you can’t spell analgesic without anal. Coincidence? Methinks not. Someone is too damn clever.)

How about you shove that OTC back in your analgesic, k?

I have a question. When you call the dentist why isn’t his response should be limited to one of two possibilities? 1) Come right in and I’ll work on you now and make it stop. 2) Come right in, I’ll take a quick look, and I’ll be happy to prescribe a serious pain reliever until I can see you sometime next week.

Why the hell don’t they do that?

My theory? It’s punishment. It’s the dental equivalent of dad grabbing the belt and taking me out behind the wood shed. Someone has gots to be learned a lesson. Maybe next time you won’t wait so long until you call? How many times do I have to drill this into you? This hurts you a whole lot more than it hurts me.

Today I saw the dentist and he readily agreed my mouth should be toured by the President in a helicopter after being declared eligible for disaster relief. “See? Aren’t you glad I made you wait?” Then I was finally handed a script for Tylenol-Codeine and admonished, “Be careful while taking these. Don’t try to drive or anything. This is powerful stuff.” Yeah, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, lady. I saw that episode of M*A*S*H, too.  The one that went on to become a template for modern medical science. “Take these sugar pills and call us in the morning. Be careful! Powerful stuff!”

They say life is pain. But maybe that’s just because everyone except me gets abscess to the good stuff.

Yes, I replaced every instance of “access” with “abscess.” That’s my literary genius at work. I don’t even charge extra. -Ed.

Hyppo and Critter: Freedom Boycott

h-and-c133

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