Wheat the Thin People

snack headI think the progression of human civilization has gone a little something like this:

Stone Age ~ Copper Age ~ Bronze Age ~ Iron Age ~ Industrial Revolution ~ Atomic Age ~ Space Age ~ Information Age

But what comes after the Information Age?

I think I have figured that out. It’s the pinnacle of human achievement, at least until the Nano Age gets here.

I’m talking about, of course, the Wheat Thins Age.

Once a civilization has achieved a sufficient number of varieties of Wheat Thins, then you know they really got their shit going on. Oh, snap!

There isn’t a precise science to calculating when the Wheat Thins Age has been reached, but I think it’s about ten. Let’s see how many we can find.

  1. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – ORIGINAL
  2. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – MULTI-GRAIN
  3. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – REDUCED FAT
  4. WHEAT THINS – BAKED SNACK CRACKERS – PARMESAN BASIL
  5. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – HINT OF SALT
  6. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – FLATBREAD GARLIC & PARSLEY
  7. WHEAT THINS – BAKED SNACK CRACKERS – SUNDRIED TOMATO & BASIL
  8. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – RANCH
  9. WHEAT THINS – BAKED SNACK CRACKERS – W/100% WHOLE GRAIN
  10. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – FLATBREAD TUSCAN HERB
  11. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – BIG
  12. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – FIBER SELECTS 5 GRAIN
  13. WHEAT THINS – CRACKERS – FIBER SELECTS GARDEN VEGETABLE

Thirteen varieties? Holy shit! The Wheat Thins Age is upon us!

In the 21st century a new era dawned for all mankind. Well, at least in the United States. While people all over the world were dying from hunger and one-sixth of the world didn’t have access to clean drinking water, snack-hungry Americans enjoyed their God-given right to the pursuit of 13 different varieties of Wheat Thins.

Holy fuck! Even “Big” is a variety. It’s like a Wheat Thin, only bigger. And “Tuscan Herb.” Sounds so sophisticated.

The concept at work here is a simple one. The Information Age is phase one. This age captivates a civilization and gets them to do some serious sitting on their ass. Informations has got to be absorbed.

Since the masses are so busy consuming information, they no longer have time for doing things like mixing two different ingredients together. (This would almost be akin to cooking.) Thus, during the pre-Wheat Thins Age we begin to see things like peanut butter and jelly – in the same jar!

When an appreciative public literally eats that up, food companies were only too willing to help push things along. What could be better than taking two different products, combing them together, and making a whole new product? One the world has never seen before except from freaks who combined the shit with their own two hands.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese is another example. (Yes, a Kraft product, and brought to you by a tobacco company.) Cream cheese can be good, but it can be a pain to take the time to use it and/or mix it with other stuff. So first comes along a nice “whipped” variety that is easy to spread. Let’s face it. Spreading takes too much damn effort!

Then someone figured out you could put stuff in the cream cheese. Things like Philadelphia Cooking Cream with Italian Cheese and Herb were invented. Thanks, Kraft! Now I no longer have to spend them time mixing my own cheese and herbs with cream cheese! Whew.

Of course, the possibilities are endless. Next is Savory Garlic Cooking Creme and Original Flavor Cooking Cream or even Santa Fe Blend Cooking Cream. Yeah, gimme something that tastes like Santa Fe. Mmmm. Adobe bricks.

Is it just me or does anything labeled as “original flavor” sound like the most disgusting thing in the world? Especially when it comes from a tobacco company.

The icing on the cake, though, has got to be a nice tub of Ready-to-Eat Cheesecake Filling. Mmm, mmmm! That sounds good. Somebody get me a spoon! It makes desserts easy, “even on the busiest weeknight.”

Can you spot other so-called new “products” that are nothing more than two existing products being packaged together? I bet you can!

Personally I’m hoping the Nano Age will shrink all these bullshit products so I’ll never have to see them again. I’m looking forward to get my ass into the quantum realm.

11 responses

  1. What.the.fuck?

    This is why I don’t watch tv (amongst a bazillion other reasons). That was painful to watch, painful to listen to (this is why I don’t listen to top 40) and yet…impossible to look away from its nausea-inducing motions.

    Wow.

    That said, I’d kill for some Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits. I never had a Wheat thin or Triscuit til I worked here. This job has taught me a lot about Americans. I mean the “good” ones, not the kind I came from, who had no idea how to be American. I reckon my brother’s kids have this New World thing all figured out.

    1. Actually, I think I neglected to mention the Processed Food Age. That’s a necessary ingredient (pun intended) to the Wheat Thins Age.

      My apologies. I’m still working out the kinks in these pet theories.

      Are those Triscuits habit-forming? Perhaps we need a study on that!

      1. I’m not allowed to buy them BUT if somebody has them at their house or brings them into work, I clearly state that “I AM TAKING OVER THE TRISCUITS…IF YOU WANTED ANY, YOU’D HAVE BROUGHT ME MY OWN BOX”

        Like that: loudly and with as much ferocity as I can manage, which is impressive, when holding a box.

  2. I had no idea! Thanks for alerting me to the over-sell of the Wheat Thin product. (Of course, I could never, EVER, give up my originals. Ever!)

    1. I agree. A basic original Wheat Thin is occasionally acceptable for a quick snack. :)

      Also, I forgot to mention how this phenomenon is now extending into the world of television.

      May I present Shedding, a new reality television show where nine couples compete for their dream wedding while also losing weight!

      Weight loss and weddings in the same show. Sounds like a win-win to me!

  3. And what’s up with the “Hint of Salt” variety?

    When you haven’t got time for the brine…

    Does it mean low salt? Extra salt? Is it a euphemism for “we’re deliberately trying to kill you?”

    What gives!

  4. That commercial was freaky. And not in a good way. Looks like an add for tomatoes until the very, very end, then they pull the switch. Nope! It’s an add for a processed cracker with less that 1% real tomato in every box. Weird.

    Just heard a Trader Joe’s add on the radio this morning for Peanut Butter Cream Cheese. But, it’s all organic so that makes it okay, right?

    And, peanut butter and jelly in the same jar is an abomination that must be driven back to hell from whence it came. Get thee behind me SATAN!

  5. Thanks for appreciating the commercial the way it was intended. I favorited that video a long, long time ago. The thoughts for this particular post have been percolating in my head for a long time.

    You make an excellent point. The product contains less than one percent of something? Let’s make that the focal point of the commercial. Genius!

    Peanut butter cream cheese? I think I just threw up a little.

    We owe you a debt of gratitude for identifying the source of combination products. I’m in awe of your investigative powers.

  6. [...] tablespoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling 1 cup Wheat Thins Snack Crackers – Sundried Tomato & Basil 1/2 cup sliced onions 1 teaspoon chopped, fresh marjoram Salt Freshly ground black pepper 6 eggs [...]

  7. [...] and Wheat Thins have history. We go way back. That did not affect my ruling in this [...]

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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