- Valentine's Day card opening lines: "I know we've had hard times of late..." #FTW 4 hours ago
- Tom's Law of Craigslist #42: First one who shows up with the cash wins. Appointments be damned. 4 hours ago
- Vague instructions means the job will always be wrong. #boss 4 hours ago
- I'm told when I try to smile at women they interpret that as creepy. Now imagine me favoriting every single tweet. You're welcome. 5 hours ago
- I was literally born without the ability to smile. Running for elected office was a real bitch. Baby kissing? Downright creepy. #truestory 5 hours ago
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