- I opened The Martian in my Kindle and it said, "7 hours remaining." I almost broke the damn thing. Then I realized: reading time. #doh 44 minutes ago
- Say what you want and we'll burn you in effigy!! #seethering 1 hour ago
- Tomorrow is National Shake Like Tom B. Taker Day so I hope y'all are getting those limp wrists ready for action. Bonus: Avoid eye contact. 1 hour ago
- Me and the #boss we had a little spat so I hit him in the face with my 10-gallon hat. "You can go to hell with your longhorn cattle!" #yip 1 hour ago
- "Mother gets testy when she's in pain," I apologized for my wife to the girls in the dental office. "Me? I just get even more submissive." 1 hour ago
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