iPad my Bra

Yes, I admit it. iPad my bra. What the hell else am I supposed to do with my moobs?

Enough about that. This is supposed to be a serious post. I have to strive to meet the standard levels of excellence you’ve come to expect on this humble blog.

There. I just sneezed and put some snot on my display. That should help.

There you are. A small business owner on the go. The veritable backbone of the American Dream (TM). In your hand is your trusty Apple iPad 3rd Generation. Under florescent lighting the black surface (also available in white) shines and gleams so brightly that people around you have to wear shades. The future is bright.

You’re minding your own business (literally) and viewing some reports on the retina display. Only you can decipher the maze of spreadsheets and charts of profit and loss statements, balance sheets, and ROI on your CPC to make informed management decisions that will steer your company in the right direction.

Suddenly an alert is thrown to your display. It is accompanied by a satisfying chime sound designed to highlight your importance to minions and random passerby. Seamlessly you switch apps and learn that there is a dock worker strike in Melbourne. Just like you practiced on Fruit Ninja, it is time for decisive action.

Swipe! Shoosh! Swipe!

Your finger lovingly caresses the touch screen. Thanks to your quick action and thinking outside the box, the shipment of widgets has just been diverted to Sydney and you’ve saved millions of dollars in expense.

You find yourself interrupted by a customer and load them a portfolio of images of the Widget 3.0. They are impressed. They want it. Now. They have made a consumer decision to partake of this consumption experience. They hand over their credit card. With a flick of your wrist the iPad scans the bar code on the product. You swipe their plastic through the built-in card reader. Viola! The transaction is done.

Ding!

Score another sale. The customer walks away as the iPad automatically updates your books, adjusts inventory and emails a digital copy of the receipt to the iPrinter on the customer’s hip, which prints a hard copy as the customer walks out the door.

Taking a much needed break, you reply to an email from mom. “Siri, please tell mom I love her. And I’ll be by over to see her by 7pm. Send. Reserve the shuffleboard table for us at the rest home.”

Meanwhile, Siri has some other news. It’s time for your daughter’s recital. You swipe over to Face Time and catch her performance live. Using location services your friend in the audience receives an alert on their iPhone asking them to give your daughter a hug. And you unload 5,000 shares of Microsoft stock and move them to your IRA.

Profits are up, you used your time effectively, and you’ve keep in close touch with your family. It’s all just in a day’s work for you, the American Small Business Owner, and the shiny iPad…

Or is it? Click the jump to read the rest of the story.

The 3rd generation iPad arrived via UPS for my boss on the first day they were available. He’s a Day One kind of guy.

Sure, he already had burned through the iPad and the iPad 2. Both acquired on Day One, mind you.

What was the new iPad going to do for him? Mostly, just like the last one, sit around and gather dust. When he does use it, though, it’s for important shit, like playing Plants vs. Zombies while sitting on the office toilet.

I sense conservative values are near.

But that’s not the only thing he uses it for. He also has an app called The Daily (owned my News Corp.) that he reads a lot. (Ugh. Rupert Murdoch tentacles. I’d have to rank The Daily second to the Wall Street Journal, which he also subscribes to, because at least I can use the newsprint to wipe my ass.)

Rupert Murdoch, a poster child for conservative values. He’s currently on his third wife. He’s 81. She’s 43.

The way my boss sucks up everything Murdoch poops out is truly amazing. I guess everyone needs role models.

The boss also loves to buy eBooks and read them on his iPad. Just the other day he was sleeping on the office sofa. He had kicked off his shoes and had his troll-like feet sticking off the end while he snored away. (Just one of the many distractions to actual work we have to deal with.) The iPad was balanced on his tummy. The boss’ wife walked in and demanded, “What are you doing? Napping?”

Thinking fast, the bossed picked up the iPad and lied, “No. I reading.”

iPad to the rescue! I couldn’t help but wonder why this sort of thing wasn’t featured more prominently in iPad commercials.

Umm, I think that’s about it. That’s all the boss the boss does with the thing. Games. The Daily. Reading books. I can see why he absolutely had to have the fucking thing the first day it came out. The iPad 2 wouldn’t do any of that shit, right?

And his wife? It took a few weeks, but then she decided she had to have one, too. So the order was placed. Every day she’d stop by the office and wail, “Has it arrived yet?” Make no mistake. These are people who love worldly goods.

If finally arrived and she ripped into it like a pack of hyenas. But she needed help. So the boss helped her move data and stuff. She started by saying, “Do not put your email address in this thing. I want this to be mine.” I totally understand not wanting things to be tainted by the boss. On that we can agree.

Yesterday, though, the truth came out. The boss had put his email in there as the Apple ID. He used it to install all of their apps. “I want it out,” his wife demanded! “I was extremely clear I did not want your email in my iPad!” She stamped her foot for added emphasis. So they argued there in the office in front of the employees. Classy.

Angry, she stomped out. Six minutes later the phone rang and I heard my boss’ side of the conversation. “Okay, okay,” he said resignedly. “I’ll buy you a new one. Will that make you happy?”

Oh, iPad. Is there anything you can’t do?

4 responses

  1. Anything I write here will reveal my ignorance about Apple products. All I know is that my son sold his iPod touch and got an iPad. Bigger is better, according to him. And I made an art image on his iPad, which was easier to see on the larger screen.

    1. Watch the video and all will be explained – by Steve Jobs himself!

      1. I did watch it, and he said the iPad was the iPod only bigger. I like bigger. I guess I missed something. Wouldn’t be the first time…:(

  2. The iPod Touch is a small rectangular device that fits in your hand. I got one last year and find it very useful for tweeting and reading email while on the go. It isn’t a phone. It requires wifi hot spots to work. It also plays games and can download apps. And mine currently holds about 1,000 songs.

    The video makes the subtle point that the iPad is essentially the same thing, only bigger. There are a few apps, though, these days, that run only on iPad and not iPod.

    The overall point of this post is twofold. First, a lot of the folks who really crave the iPad doesn’t use it for much other than games, email and social media, despite hype to the contrary. The second is that my boss is a pustule.

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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