Yearly Archives: 2012

This Tweek In Review

This might be a new Sunday thing here on the blog. I’ve been ordered to relax my blogging chops on the weekends, so I thought a quickie post reviewing Twitter Week (Tw+Week = “Tweek”) might be fruitful for those of you who don’t follow Twitter and miss out on all of my pith and vinegar. So here goes.
Continue reading →

Puff the Magic Paragon

I'm Thomas Kilas. Tobacco vapor is my life.

This is part of ongoing series. The schtick is that I read something in the news and then go batshit crazy about it. What can I say? It’s what I do. I’m a visioneer.

My life is now complete. I’ve lived to see what I humbly call the “Quotation of the Millennium.” My work here is done. It is time for me to go. Nanu nanu.

There have been billions and billions of puffs on the cigarettes and we have not heard of this happening before.
–Thomas Kilas, co-founder of the Tobacco Vapor Electronic Cigarette Association

Mmm. Tobacco vapor. That sounds so good! It’s what’s for dinner. Have they figured out a way to make that into a breakfast cereal yet, I can’t help but wonder? One with natural and artificial flavors? I’m in need of the breakfast of champions!
Continue reading →

I Will Always Shove You

You may have noticed I'm mostly green. Well, Fuck You!

Those of us in the airlock/apologizing industry noticed an unusual blip on the radar this week shortly after the death of Whitney Houston. The epicenter was traced and determined to be sourced in Minato (Tokyo), Japan.

Ah, Sony! What have you done this time?

A lot of you may be under the impression that Sony makes overpriced electronics that break shortly after their warranty period. Yes, that’s true, but that’s only a small fraction of what they do.

MINATO, TOKYO, JAPAN — The motto, “Be Prepared,” is one famously associated with the Boy Scouts movement. It also encapsulates the thought that you should be ready to “do the right thing at the right moment.”

It’s a philosphy shared by Sony Music Entertainment (SME) company and their secretive elite unit known as the Death Immediate Response Team (DIRT). When a big name celebrity in the Sony music library dies, that’s when the deceased is designated a “featured artist” and the members of Team DIRT leap into action.

In order to be prepared, SME-DIRT has identified their artists who have achieved sufficient sales volume. They have then compiled detailed “death response plans” on those they artists they have identified as meeting their proprietary criteria selection scheme.

Whitney Houston was one of these artists. Her death on February 11, 2012, came as a surprise to most. But as the news spread like wildfire across the internet, plans were already afoot in Minato. Like most death response plans SME-DIRT has on file, there is a three-pronged approach:

  • Have an office party complete with cake (in the likeness of the artist) and ice cream and party hats. During this symbolic process they literally eat their artist.
  • Immediately jack wholesale prices on albums in the library.
  • Summon high-level Sony executives to a summit in New York City to discuss strategy to capitalize on the artist’s death.

Within hours of Whitney Houston’s death, a faceless operative on a nameless Tokyo street walked away from his noodles, pulling an Xperia ™ Ion LTE (Long Term Evolution) smartphone from his coat pocket, dialed a number from memory, waited three seconds, said, “Operation Bodyguard. Initiate. This is not a drill.” He then faded away as he side-stepped into street level sewer fog and disappeared into the noises of the murky city at night.
Continue reading →

The Mitt Stand Romney

Click Me. But if your name is Alice you can Eat Me.

What does it mean to take a stand on principle? A stand where you say, “Not here. Not now. Not today. This far, no further! The line must be drawn here!!”

And then, a day later, you say, “Oh, what the hell. Give it to me.”

That is sooooooo inspiring! I feel the power of goodness coursing through my veins just because you allow me to bask in your greatness. Right up to the point where you expose it as a lie.

AHHHHHHH!!!

Mitt Romney is so darn moral, he once opted-out of a big financial deal because it involved Artisan Entertainment and they produced, gasp, R-rated films! (Source.)

Yes, that is truly inspiring.
Continue reading →

Trite Whine Griever

The short bus just got cooler.

Hollywood is out of ideas. Thankfully, Detroit is not. They started a revolution with the legendary cup holder and they haven’t checked their rear-view ever since.

The man who said, “Hey, let’s put a television set in a car.” That dude is an automotive god.

Cars can talk to you. Does this ring a bell? “The door is a jar.” Oh yeah? Well your momma was a motherfucking toaster!

If you ever get bored and want to learn absolutely nothing about cars, my advice is to watch a modern day car commercial. You’ll learn everything there is know except anything about actual cars. These days that primarily consists of sound systems and GPS devices. “Hello, car. Play Moby.” Holy shit! The car stereo plays Moby! We really are made of stars! How much extra do I have to pay to upgrade this baby to the super slutty female voice.

“Make me go left, Master. Make me go right. Put me in park and drive me.”

I hope that’s not real leather.

Oops. I digress. I forgot this shiny metal box has wheels. And that it moves and stuff. And, if your attention wavers for just a single nanosecond, you can squash people like bugs or even take yourself out SVA style. (Single Vehicle Accident. Accept no substitutes.)

One sec. Just let me finish this Tweet. Almost there ... Aaaaiiiieeeee!!! Hot water burn baby!!! Kmart sucks.

So what is Detroit’s next whopper of an automotive idea? Something known as the “connected car.” You see, they are under the impression that people get off on a steady stream of information. If it’s good enough for your iPhone, iPad or iPod it’s good enough for your car, right?

Bring on the features that tech-savvy consumers want like a 17″ dashboard screen that can check Facebook or 8″ touch screens for controlling your music.

And let us not forget Ford Motor Co. that offers the ability for drivers to receive their Twitter feeds. Said one driver, “It’s a little bit distracting.” No shit. Ya think?

Thanks to modern technology you can now read your stream while you drive into a stream. I call that a win-win!

No word yet on the ability to send tweets from your car, but that doesn’t daunt me. I’m going to jump ahead and imagine some of the tweet possibilities. I figure it might go down a little something like this:

“Hello, Candy Bubbles.”

“Hello, Master. Voice print authorization accepted. Are you going to turn me on?”

“Yeah. Do it.”

“All cylinders are thrusting and pistons are pumping, Master. My juices are really flowing now. Awaiting your orders, Master.”

“You know, Candy. We could quite literally have sex right now. You know I love that seat-belt adjustment thing you do. But I think that’s going to have to wait. For now I’m just going to send a few tweets. After that, you can load me up a nude Tayne.”

“You tease!”

As always, my imagination ran wild. Just what sort of tweets could you send from the car? The possibilities are endless!

  • Some bastard just cut me off.
  • The car in front of me has “Obama 2012″ and “NRA” stickers. I’m reporting him as a drunk driver.
  • At protest in Hummer. Getting mixed results. Probably should have opted for the bullet proof windows. #Egypt
  • I’m driving by a McDonald’s and I’m not going in. #MorallySuperior
  • I hate it when people killed in auto accidents spoil my commute. #late
  • Pitch is out! I can’t hold altitude!  She’s breaking up, she’s break— #bionic
  • Detroit, we have a problem.
  • In-house drive-by was a successful get-together. Proceeding to next destination. #RATM
  • Well I’ll be. I can drive 55.
  • Thank god for milk jugs. I’m literally streaming in my car.
  • Just crashed through barrier, flying down canyon. Estimate I got two seconds left… #sucks
  • I was caller 13 and just won Justin Bieber tix! #beliebers
  • Just saw loser driving and talking on a cell phone. #angry #fail
  • Wiener One is mobile. I say again: Wiener One is on the move. Here’s a pic to prove it.*
  • Hey, Paul. My iPhone just notified me you’re in the car ahead. I’m literally following you. Get it? Ha ha ha!
  • Do you know the way to San Jose? No, seriously. Do you? #lost
  • I brake for internets.
  • Life is full of potholes.
  • I just found the longest red light in the world.
  • I’m famous. I just caused an amber alert. #candy
  • The police don’t think I know about spike strips.
  • I am controlling transmission. #car #jokes
  • Oh, shit. A wall!!! #death

*Congressmen only.

Imagine what the world would be like without important information like this. I shudder to even think about it.

So, what would YOU tweet from your car if you could?

Termination Tuesday – The Sweet 16 – Week 8

Last week, in what many commentators properly called The Inane Battle of the Same, Food Poisoning slowly dissolved Mushroom (eat) in a vat of acid. It was fun to watch and truly a sight to behold.

This week, thefinale of The Sweet 16, it’s the battle of the Freak Show methods of death.

We hope you’ll agree that we saved the best for last. And, in a weird twist of fate, Termination Tuesday falls on Valentine’s Day. I’d so much like to take credit for that and say it was by grand design, but the truth is much more mundane. We’re just not that clever.

Continue reading →

Windows on my pain

This weekend I did something I should have done about one year ago when I got my new iMac. I dragged out an ethernet cable, hooked it up to the old PC running Windows XP, and began the arduous task of retrieving my data.

First I had to get the computers to talk to each other. I thought it will be a process like finding the other computer on the local network and clicking it and being prompted for a username and password. I figured the latter would be no big deal because I was the “administrator” on both of the computers.

Wrong.
Continue reading →

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,264 other followers