Cramazon Dot Com #drabble #amazon

cramazonCramazon Dot Com
by Tom B. Taker

Half-way through the shift and I was behind schedule. Panting, blisters popping, I paused for a 15-second break.

The urgent alerts from the GPS strapped to my head couldn’t shake the bliss.

Six seconds later the floor manager showed up. “That’s it,” he said. “This is a verbal.”

The GPS parroted the threat. “Verbal! Verbal!”

“Two more and you’re fired!”

Humans weren’t meant to micromanaged to the nanosecond by computers. I snapped. My lightning fast quick draw would have been enough to take out Wyatt Earp himself.

I scanned him right in the face. He screamed. I ran.

A drabble is a short storm form consisting of exactly 100 words.

Dear Guru: Winning Easter Eggs

dearguru

easter-egg-huntQ.
Dear Guru,

How will my child perform during this year’s Easter egg hunt? How can I guarantee The Win?

Signed,

Holy Redshirter

P.S. Oh yeah. Almost forgot… Praise Jesus!

A.
What astute questions! Rest easy. You have come to the right place. Clearly if anyone ever deserved The Win it is your precocious child. Something is cracked and/or smells around here and it’s not just the eggs.

The answer, of course, depends on a complex variety of factors including your child’s gifts, level of motivation, and unfortunately, no small amount of luck. With proper planning, however, the nefarious element of random chance can be minimized.

What I mean to say is, just how far are you and your child willing to go? How badly do you really want those coveted eggs?

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Comic: Philosophy 101

Professor Grim Reaper

It’s hard to believe I drew this all by myself, eh?

Barbarians At The Door

missionary-figuresThe church bell chimed ’til it rang twenty-nine times
for each second it took for her herald.
The leaflet she left I did throw on the ground
not a green way to grub for my money.

I believe that God has a plan for all of us.
I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet.
And I believe; that the current President of The Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God.
I am A Mormon,
And, dang it! a Mormon just believes!

Q. Oh,  where can I go to learn about God, religion, being humble and serving the poor? (Remember: When claiming he out-gave Barack Obama, Mitt Romney referred to giving money to his church as “charitable donations.”)

A. Take this road two miles, hang a left at the oak tree, and look for the most opulent building in town. You can’t miss it. It’s the one that makes the Tower of Babel seem like child’s play. We call it a Temple. Don’t ask us how it was funded, though. Our financial records are more private than your phone calls.

This weekend, Thomas Monson, the 16th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, had a message for his faithful flock of 15 million worldwide via the LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. We’ve built 142 temples, he proudly said, the most recent one in Gilbert, Arizona, and there will be a modest 172 of them by the time all current construction projects are completed.

Another Mormon leader had a slightly different message for the record number of nearly 85,000 Mormon missionaries crawling around the surface of this planet. Jeffrey Holland, an official member of a select group known as the Quorum Of Twelve, called on missionaries to “defend” their faith.

Holland pointed out that missionaries should stay strong and defend their faith despite the inevitable personal abuse they will encounter. (Source: FOX News.)

Since I couldn’t make the conference this year, I guess you could call this an open letter of sorts containing an opposing point of view from the Abyss. Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail?

Tom’s Law #42
You never have to defend your religion to me if you don’t stick it in my face in the first place. In other words, please don’t put me on the receiving end of your missionary position.

Source: Tom’s Infinite Book of Infinite Laws

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Twitter Twix

shoutabyss:

Are you using Twitter properly?

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

Here we have yet another serendipitous spur of the moment post. Something caught my eye so I’m writing a post that wasn’t even planned.

Sometimes two totally unrelated tweets will come through and land right next to each other in a moment of pure coincidence. Sometimes the juxtaposition results in strange humor or thought-provoking ideas.

I liked the one above so I decided to share it.

And yes, I’m a “follower” of the Dalai Lama. He’s one totally rocking dude. Even his wristwatch is better than mine.

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How to react to a James Franco event

shoutabyss:

It’s that time of the month. No, not that one. The time when I operate as a field correspondent on that other blog, The Nudge Wink Report. I reserve the right to reblog myself. Or is this just a publicity stunt? I’ll never tell.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

james-franco My goal today is to write about something other than celebrity. I’ve been to that well far too often. After much soul searching I have settled on the topic of James Franco. Don’t worry. He’s a performance artist, not a celebrity.

I’ll also try to stay away from politics and religion. Of course, that presupposes you might be polite company. Call it a leap of faith on my part. Besides, this is purportedly a fun humor kind of blog. I’m still not sure what I’m doing here. This place is advertised as “Hilarious comic-tary on news, views and attitudes. Every Saturday morning.” I guess I better wake up and start writing. And two of out three ain’t bad.

Long story short: James Franco is chagrined. He is embarrassed. He is contrite. He’s currently appearing on his personal apology tour and saying things like, “I used bad judgement.”

Selfies are something…

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Banter with the delivery guy

google-delivery

Search results delivered to your door. That’s not creepy.

I have nothing to say right now. For example, take this post. WordPress told me it’s been in the Drafts folder since October 14, 2009. You can interpret that as an omen that decidedly does not portend well:

Warning: Excellent content ahead.

Why else would I work on it for such a long time? Obviously I refused to be rushed.

The thought crosses my mind, though, that with nothing to say, I probably wouldn’t be a good candidate to be a delivery driver. Think about it. Can you imagine spending your days going into small business offices and engaging in the same inane banter over and over again? The same boring chitter chatter? Day after day? Unimaginable. Unless you have a job. That’s pretty much also the definition of “work.”

“What? A package? Who’s it from?”

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