Guru Comic: Footsteps

guru-footsteps

Bruisin’ Cruisin’

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We drove from Portland to Spokane taking a route that paralleled the mighty Columbia River. If you’ve never been this way you’ve missed out on some amazing and breathtaking views. It’s an incredible drive. The Columbia Gorge was carved a few years ago, maybe more, leaving geological formations that have to be seen to be believed.

Meanwhile, somewhere along the trip, there’s a nice stretch of highway that was level and straight. So I put on the cruise control. We were in no particular hurry so I set a leisurely pace. Everyone was passing us, even the RVs and the pickup trucks hauling horse trailers.

We then had a couple Cruise Control Events that boggled my mind more than the Gorge itself.

One is called the Go and Stop. In this scenario you see a car in your rear view mirror. Gradually they gain on you. Eventually they ride your bumper with about six inches clearance. Finally they reach a decision point and make their signature move.

They pass and cut me off. Again, with six inches of clearance.

And then, somehow, the unthinkable. They slow down.

WTF?!

I’m forced to turn off the cruise control and wonder why my Ford Pinto didn’t come equipped with rocket launchers.

Stephen Hawking himself would be unable to explain this behavior.

The second event involved a car merging on the highway in the middle of nowhere. Again my cruise control was set and I was minding my own business. I became aware that someone was merging. I became aware it was a sheriff’s patrol car.

We were two cars converging on the same spot. Closer and closer he moved towards me. I could feel his hot and sticky breath on my neck. With amazing grace he matched our speed. This must be what docking in outer space is like.

Closer. Closer. Our cars were about to kiss.

Finally, I screamed out in anger and frustration. I hit the brake and he slid smoothly in front. The moment was lost. I had to admit it was a bit anti-climactic.

Bonus: During this trip I came up with my latest invention. It’s a holographic projector for your car that creates a three dimensional image of a vehicle exactly two car lengths in front. This causes other drivers to stay the fuck out of your personal space. I anticipate this invention will make me several trillion dollars.

You’re welcome!

This post was written on an iPad. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

How To Train Your #Apple 2.0

It's hard to believe I worked on this graphic all my myself.

It’s hard to believe I worked on this graphic all by myself.

Tim Cook struts out on stage. Music plays. He holds up a device which has 99.9% of the same DNA as a device you already own.

You update that device to the las test and greatest operating system which is essentially the same except it provides more ways for money to flee your wallet and join up with the mothership wad of cash at Apple.

That update makes your device no longer worky.

What does Apple call a person who updates their software on the same day a new version is released? An unpaid beta tester.

Now I ride in like the Lone Ranger 2.0 to save the day. Here’s how to survive an iOS update.

First, take a deep breath. The principle of patience must come into play. Life is short but if you update too quickly it’ll be even shorter.

wonka-apple

So you wait. At least one day.

For the one reader who has stuck with me until now, what then?

Go to Twitter and figure out the hashtag for the update. For example, this week it was #IOS81. Click on that hashtag. Read up.

What’s the general consensus? What’s the mood? If you see a lot of statements like, “Thanks a lot, Apple, now my iPad is a brick,” waiting might feel just a little easier.

Repeated this procedure when they release the incremental in the next two hours. Did they just throw fuel on the fire?

Avoid zero day released and the first incremental or two. By the point three it just might be time to start taking it seriously. Are batteries lasting longer again? Does wifi actually work?

During the wait time you’ll feel very along. You’ll feel abandoned. There will be no official word from Apple. They won’t be on the forums. They won’t send you an email. They won’t reach out with a tweet. So you’ll sit and wait. I recommend during this period of time that you invest in a bottle of Templeton Prohibition Era Recipe Rye.

After several months of waiting it’ll be congratulations. Your long term strategy has paid off. You’ll be the proud owner of a working device. Just in time to watch the next Tim Cook floor show, too.

An open letter to Anita Sarkeesian #gamergate

"Anita Sarkeesian + Research Materials" by Anita Sarkesian is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Sarkessian with some of the video games used to research Tropes vs Women in Video Games. “Anita Sarkeesian + Research Materials” by Anita Sarkesian is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Note: I have chosen to include the “gamergate” hashtag with this post. Am I using it correctly? I don’t really know. I don’t have a friggin’ clue. I am not a gamegate scholar. I don’t have the time or inclination. I don’t really care if I’m using it improperly. That’s not what this post is about. IMHO a lot of people are trying to control, define and co-opt the term based on their own bias, point of view and/or agendas. I’m not taking sides in any gamergate wars. Any offense you perceive as you read the following is your own. –Ed.

Dear Ms. Sarkeesian,

May I call you Anita? I hope so. If not, that’s okay, too. Either way, no offense is intended.

I’ll be honest. I look up to you. I think you are a true modern day hero. When I say “hero” I mean that in the grandest sense of the word. You rock.

Wikipedia says that “[a] hero (masculine) or heroine (feminine) refers to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self-sacrifice—that is, heroism—for some greater good of all humanity.” Two different words for “hero” based on gender? Isn’t that part of the problem? Whatever. Either way, I believe a “hero” is you.
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That’s no bar! It’s a playground!

moon-shirtWe are required by the Department Of Redundancy Department to post this public notice: We reserve the right to redundantly repeat topic coverage as we see fit. It is no accident if this content feels familiar. Also, we repeat coverage of certain topics on purpose. It’s our way. –Ed.

Since the dawn of time philosophers have debated, “What is a bar? What is a restaurant?” Sometimes there are no easy answers. There can be a very fine line between “bar” and “restaurant.”

So what?! Who gives a shit?! What’s in a name?!

Mainly the presence of shitloads of filthy little varmints. That makes this issue one of no small consequence.

As always I will cover all points of view as if to give the reader an understanding of the issue. I will be fair. I will be impartial. I will be partially inebriated.

Also, as always, illumination will be provided by Wikipedia:

bar:
A bar is a retail business establishment that serves alcoholic drinks — beer, wine, liquor, and cocktails — for consumption on the premises.

restaurant:
A restaurant is a business which prepares and serves food and drink to customers in return for money …

There we were in a mystery business of some sort. Was it a “bar” or a “restaurant?” Let’s find out. It’s Litmus Test Time boys and girls!

Continue reading →

Covers

shoutabyss:

Seriously, can there ever be too many Star Wars references? And, for bonus points, check out quality prose like, “For that matter, why do we have to sheets at all?” Grammar, I am in you.

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

Yeah, baby. This is where it all happens. Strap yourself in our you'll find yourself floating home.

This is where it all happens. The exact spot where the Death Star exploded. Strap in or you’ll find yourself floating home.

It’s late. So late that it’s already dark out. I’m sleepy from sitting in front of the TV for six solid hours under a blankie and shoveling down an entire container of ice cream. Like a zombie I stumble to my feet and stagger towards the bedroom.

“Need… sleep… now…”

No one ever claimed that eloquence is my strong suit.

Finally I reach the doorway and lean against it for support. Must rest. Almost there. Stay on target. Stay on target.

Then I glance at the bed. The covers are completely gone. Nothing but a naked mattress and box springs await. And that’s not exactly the type of naked I had in mind.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Shut up, kid. It’s not like Obi Wan just got bisected with a lightsaber.

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czar

shoutabyss:

My proposal?! Simple. I want to be the Czar to the Czars. One Czar to rule them all and bind them together. Or something like that.

Originally posted on the mashed radish :

When things get “hairy,” U.S. Presidents like to appoint czars.

Presently, Obama is considering an Ebola czar, but the executive branch post is said to date back to Woodrow Wilson, who appointed an industry czar during World War I. The term, of course, refers to no official title; it has served as a media shorthand for these particular policy coordinators. Most famous perhaps is Nixon’s drug czar. Among many others, FDR had his rubber czar, LBJ his poverty czar, Clinton his AIDS czar, Bush his terrorism czar–the list truly goes on.

Czar

Historically, czars–or properly, tsars–were Russian emperors, technically beginning with Ivan III in 1462, formally adopted by Ivan IV in 1547, and ending with the overthrow of Nicolas II during the Russian Revolution in 1917. The word was adopted from Slavic languages, like the Old Church Slavonic tsesari, which ultimately represented the…

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