Grand Unification Theory of Reproduction

Four out of five doctors recommend removing that leach from your neck. You're supposed to apply them outside the body. That's our key action point of the day.

Four out of five doctors recommend removing that leech from your neck. You’re supposed to apply them outside the body. That’s our key action point of the day.

I stylishly removed my fedora and flung it like a frisbee. No phone booths were to be found. I was about to write something for the Daily Diatribe, a major metropolitan daily in the uber city of Grabham. And I was their intrepid reporter.

Yeah, it was something like that when I had my latest epiphany.

We all know parents are the worst people to have children. But why?

The idea came to me when watching the birth of a little baby deer. Plop! It landed on the ground. Gross. But in a few minutes it struggled to it’s feet. It was already walking!

A few more minutes and it was able to prance. And, by the very next day, it was able to beat an average University of Portland student at ping pong. But what did this mean? (Besides the fact that UP students can’t play ping pong for shit.)

Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Human babies are slow at survival and being able to fend for themselves. Our species may be the most intelligent (heh!) on this planet but it comes at a very high cost. We all start as utterly helpless lifeforms.

And therein lies the rub.

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Bullshit

shoutabyss:

A post expertly resurfaced by the random number generator. Well played.

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

Image source: A Crafter At Sea.

Tip: Always aim for subtlety in the subject lines of your blog posts. Thoughtfully I have provided an example. Those subjects lines are like little windows to the soul. Of your blog posts.

“Bullshit.”

The driver’s side door on my car doesn’t open from the outside. You might think that sucks but to me it’s just one of the innumerable realities of my existence. So my routine is to enter the car from the passenger side, start the engine (a 50-50 proposition) and lean across and unlatch the door, pushing it out gently and hoping against all hope that it doesn’t click shut again, thus forcing me to go back and repeat the process, something I like to call “the Sprinkles on Top.”

Soon even this reality will be denied to me. The handle on the passenger door feels like it is about to…

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Depressive mindset

shoutabyss:

Still find myself thinking about the untimely death of Robin Williams and found this thoughtful post. It’s my reblog of the week.

Originally posted on Skeptically Thinking:

Once again, we find ourselves in September, Mental health awareness month. As always, if you or someone you 
know is suffering from mental illness of any kind, it's not only important to get the professional help required, but is 
also imperative for those lucky enough not to suffer from it to understand it better. To that end, I present to you dear 
reader, an account of what it’s like to be in the shoes of a depressive. I’d like to thank my good friends A. and K. for 
helping me with this. Your descriptions of what it’s like inside the mind of a depressive have not only helped me 
compose this article, but have also helped me understand my own depression a bit more completely.

On August 12, 2014, I woke up and went about my usual morning routine; grabbed a glass of water, made breakfast for my daughter and…

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Comic: Corplé – The Water Cycle

corple

Homework

Mint Press News - Nestle’s Water-Bottling Activities Amid California Drought Underscore A Lack Of Policy Options

Forbes.com – Nestlé Sued AGAIN For Falsely Representing Bottled Tap Water As Naturally Spring-Sourced

Stop Nestle Waters.org – Holding Nestle Waters of North America’s Water Bottling operations accountable

FoodAndWaterWatch.org – Watch a TV Journalist Debunk Nestlé’s Water Rhetoric

The Story of Stuff – Nestlé’s water privatization push

The Story of Stuff – The Story of Bottled Water

Urban Times – Nestlé: The Global Search For Liquid Gold

Flow: The Film – The 21st Century – The World Water Crisis

Addendum

I was going to include a list of brands owned by Nestlé but (my emphasis added) …

Nestlé has some 8,000 brands, with a wide range of products across a number of markets, including coffee, bottled water, milkshakes and other beverages, breakfast cereals, infant foods, performance and healthcare nutrition, seasonings, soups and sauces, frozen and refrigerated foods, and pet food.

Source: Wikipedia – Nestlé

And, finally, a quotation from Peter Brabeck, the Chairman of Nestle Group:

nestle-ceo

Spanks A Lot

What a mean dad!

What a mean dad!

For a long time I’ve said that parents are the worst people to have children. That much seemed obvious. But the burning question remained. Why?

I was pondering the current state of the National Football League (NFL) when it hit me. On second thought, perhaps “hit me” isn’t the best turn of phrase in conjunction with the NFL these days.

First there was the Ray Rice video where he punched his then-fiancée in the face. That shined a stark light on the issue of domestic violence within the league. The video hasn’t changed the reality of what has always been a very serious matter but now, thanks to the virality of the video, the issue is finally being taken more seriously.

News media took the ball and ran with it. The journalists scurried to look under rocks and ask probing questions like, “Who else might be doing stuff like this?”

With the NFL under a microscope suddenly all bets were off. I’m not sure how but the next big thing in NFL umbrage was the Adrian Peterson who was arrested for child abuse after “whooping” his four-year-old son using a “switch.”
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Poopy vacation planning #poop

That's one brown shirt.

That’s one brown shirt.

Did I mention poop yet?

This is the story of a stranger doing all of the travel planning for the final day of our vacation. And we owe it all to poop.

Quick history lesson: It all started on the second day of this blog. I wrote a post entitled Gold Nugget Economics where I espoused the commerce philosophy held by most bosses that everything they produce is a solid gold nugget and everything made by anyone else is poop.

I didn’t set out with a poop agenda on my new blog but there it was on Day Two. What can I say? It fit my economic theory perfectly. Before long the word had been used in several posts. It became a trend. Eventually it became my #1 tag. It was officially a thing.

At that point I did what anyone would do. I vowed to do whatever it took to make sure it stayed #1. Forever. And I would literally move mountains to keep that promise to my loyal reader.

Fast forward to our vacation in Seaside, Oregon this week. We rented a beach house with good friends. We were walking down the main drag. The women folk were shopping. We men were wandering, lost and bored and wondering, “Why the hell aren’t there any fucking benches in this town?” It’s almost like they didn’t want people sitting when they could be spending their money on the quintessential beach crap like fudge, salt water taffy, wind toys, plastic implements of sandcastle construction and nautical-themed nicknacks.

It was then I spied the shirt hanging in front of the cheesy t-shirt shop. “I pooped today.” Houston, we have a problem.

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Screech At The Beach

All the way from international waters comes today’s impromptu Top Ten list.

Top Ten Things Wrong With The Beach

1. Sand.
2. Water.
3. Sun.
4. Too many dogs.
5. Too few cats.
6. Crowds.
7. Attracts small children.
8. Proof of the circle of life scattered as far as the eye can see. See: exoskeleton.
9. Smelly wind.
10. All sandy lumps are potentially dog poop repositories. Step lively.

Bonus: Slowsand. (Swallows far too few people.)

Pro Tip: When you first arrive at the beach excitedly go for a five-mile walk beside the waves. This will effectively cripple you for the rest of your stay.

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