Dear Guru: Say Yes

dearguru

Today I take time out to pass along an important and wonderful piece of wisdom that has brought immediate and innumerable benefits to my interpersonal relationships. It works with your lovers and, just maybe, even your spouse.

In a nutshell, the secret is this: Find a way to say, “Yes.”

That’s it. Therein lies the key to unlocking exciting new worlds of mystery and imagination. Seldom in life do we encounter such transformative power in six simple words. Find a way to say yes. That’s all you have to do.

I’ve adapted this technique in my daily life and I happily bear witness to the awe and sense of wonder it brings.

Please allow me a few moments to demonstrate how it works.

“Do I look fat?”

“Yes.”

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want the last cookie?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever cheated on me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a headache?”

“Yes.”

“Were you killed in that car accident?”

“Yes.”

I don’t often fall for quick fix gimmicks but in this case I have to admit, it really works. If you give it a try, please use the comment section below to let me know how it goes.

Yes.

Hyppo and Critter: Gun Politics

h-and-c144

Garbage Sandy Springs

Mister Thompson calls the waiter, orders steak and baked potato
(Then) he leaves the bone and gristle and he never eats the skin
The busboy comes and takes it, with a cough contaminates it
(And he) puts it in a can with coffee grounds and sardine tins
And the truck comes by on Friday and carts it all away
A thousand trucks just like it are converging on the Bay

Oh, Garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage
We’re filling up the seas with garbage
What will we do when there’s no place left
To put all the garbage

Click to hear these lyrics (and more) in action

And now, from our ongoing series Tales Of The Justice

Who says that justice is dead? Finally, a punishment that fits the crime.

Meet garbage man Kevin McGill, 48, resident of Atlanta, Georgia, husband, and father of two children. His crime? Reporting to work too early. The punishment? Thirty (30) days in jail.

For once the justice system finally seems to be working. Really, shouldn’t reporting too early to work always result in jail time? I think so!

I humbly suggest we make this a constitutional amendment. I sustain the motion!

For those OCD nitwits out there who demand more detail I’ll reluctantly say this. His job is picking up the garbage. A city ordinance says that garbage shall not be picked up earlier than 7 a.m. McGill, obviously a true go-getter in the refuse collection industry, started his shift early. This naturally startled residents in an affluent neighborhood of Sandy Springs, a suburb located north of Atlanta.

Naturally the startled residents, hearing the terrifying sounds of a garbage truck around 5 a.m., responded to the situation by calling 9-1-1.

I hate to even think what I would have done in similar circumstances. Of course you call 9-1-1. That’s what you do. That’s what public service ads on television have been telling us for years. 9-1-1 is reserved for the important stuff. I probably would have gone further and voided my bladder and bowels. That feels like the Sandy Springs thing to do.

Residents of the wealthy neighborhood reportedly include Herman Cain and “professional athletes and executives for Delta Air Lines.” We now pause for these commercial messages while I cancel my subscription to ESPN and make new travel arrangements.

Thankfully the culprit was apprehended and the garbage in his truck was (presumably) seized into state’s evidence. Finally a task worthy of Atlanta CSI.

“One thing’s for sure,” said the star du jour while removing his super-sparkly sunglasses. “Something about this case stinks.” He then made some comment about keeping a “lid” on news coverage.

Justice was quickly served. The prosecutor (chief solicitor) wanted 30 days in jail. It was McGill’s first offense. McGill voluntarily agreed to the “plea deal” without a lawyer present and only accompanied by a representative of Waste Management, Inc., who was expecting nothing more than a routine $1,000 fine.

The prosecutor stood by the outcome saying it was right to go after McGill personally rather than his employer. “Fines don’t seem to work,” he said. “The only thing that seems to stop the activity is actually going to jail.” Yes, these are real verbatim quotes.

Fortunately, by press time and despite the fact that the story had been picked up internationally, the city and the judge had a miraculous change of heart and the charges were dropped. Yeah, just like that. That’s how they roll in Sandy Springs. Bag it and tag it. This case is done.

Suddenly the solicitor was saying whacky shit like 30 days in jail for violation of a noise ordinance was “disproportionate to a first-time offense.”

They sure do keep things classy in those ritzy neighborhoods.

The Place Beyond The Whines

shoutabyss:

Never leave me alone with a cursed iPad.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

Oh. Hi there. Please, come in. While you do I’ll cinch up my robe just a little bit tighter. I know you weren’t planning on visiting the gap. There. That’s better, I hope.

Welcome to my humble cabin in the woods here on Mount Hood. I like to call it our Mountain Bungalow. Why? Anything that starts with “bung” has gots to be good. At least that’s what the Theory of Smuckers tells me.

You’re right on time. My Casio wristwatch tells me that it’s oh-my-god-it’s early. I couldn’t sleep, either. There’s a dead calm nestled heavily in the forest surrounding us and the first feeble rays of morning light are just starting to creep in and tickle the treetops. But down here, on the forest floor, it’s just the right amount of mood lighting. Yawn. I guess you don’t really appreciate the sound of those incessant Portland trains until…

View original 636 more words

Wring Theory

string-theory

We were driving down a busy two-lane surface street in Portland, Oregon. We were in the left lane. A few blocks away we would need to make a right turn in order to reach our destination which was, ostensibly, the ultimate goal of the expedition.

You can probably see where this is going. Kudos to me. I have done my job as a writer. This is called foreshadowing.

Everyone in the right lane was somehow able to sense my need and aggressively squeezed together like sardines in a can. It was truly something to behold.

Dammit, I thought angrily to myself. I knew I should have changed lanes when that open spot presented itself 42 miles back. Who knew that would be my one and only opportunity? But that’s the way this shit works.

I could have done what everyone else does and slammed on my brakes while nudging to the right daring everyone to miss me but that’s not my way. I like to be different. I like the path not taken.

In this case that was a few blocks further on down the road. And that’s where this adventure really begins.

Continue reading →

Hyppo and Critter: History of Communication

h-and-c143

Into the Bowels of the Bowl

shoutabyss:

Literally the finest piece of crap I’ve ever written. I hope you “can” enjoy it. Don’t forget the video at the “end.” Enjoy!

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

This is what they mean by “taste the rainbow.”

I was flushed with excitement when I made the team. I almost flipped my lid. Not one to fly off the handle, I was resolute and went about the business of doing my job. This consisted mainly of navigating a dinghy about a very small body of water. I’d sing as I tackled the task. “I sail the ocean blue and my saucy shit’s a beauty. I’m a sober man and true, and attentive to my doody. Ahoy! Ahoy!”

For I had set my sights high. I was the man lucky enough to know his own destiny. One day, if I worked hard enough, my teammates and I, as members of the Pack Ten conference, would play in The Toilet Bowl. Perhaps not the bowl sponsored by Tostitos but at least the one that had Ex-Lax, Preparation H and Beano.

And…

View original 776 more words

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,430 other followers