Guru Comic: À Votre Santé!

guru-mental-health

Dirty Tops

wiping-a-tableThe restaurant industry tends to be cyclical. It’s one trend followed by another. You’re cutting edge for a while and then you’re chasing the pack. It can be a real rat race. Perhaps lemmings are involved?

Yes, I’m trying to include lots of references to rodentia. We’re talking about restaurants here. I don’t recognize sacred cows. Like always I gotta keep it classy.

There’s a trend where celebrity chefs are seen everywhere except in their own kitchens. I’m looking but not looking at you, Naomi Pomeroy. Squee. One final Beast reference.

Honey Badger, though, will have the last word. Keep reading.

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A Tom B. Taker Christmas

directvThere it was. In the mailbox. A legitimate Christmas miracle. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. Instead of darkness I beheld a world of twinkly light.

It was beautiful! I felt alive. I loved everything I could see. I sprinted out into the street and hugged the garbage man. He was beautiful. He looked really surprised. Maybe I should have worn pants but there was no time for that.

In my hands I held a Christmas card. It was even addressed to me. To me! Someone had sent me a Christmas card. A bona fide recipient of the Ribbon of Participation. I was finally somebody.

“God bless us, every one!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I’d never felt a stronger sense of belonging.

Yes, it was time for a let down.

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Snot

puzzleIt’s been a long, long time since I generated a puzzle.

All you have to do is figure out what’s going on in this excerpted column of numbers. Any bean counters out there? This is a great way to spend your free time.

Don’t bother searching for help. Even the almighty Google is powerless to help you here.

Let’s roll!

293964673
843711893
934911548
657511668
675385661
629282665
428252383
827272787
137477727
111774723
111167338
111185574
111166766
111156824
111122114
111177114
111126116
111199116
625268916
628863136
634362136
832337832
433338138
533333933
433333633
433333133
433333833
611179566
211159619
911187516
111111316
111111114
111111117
111111115
111111113
111111111

The Surreal Housewives of #PDX

Dysfunctional-familyFamily is enemies you don’t get to choose.
–Tom B. Taker

Once again that special time of year is nigh upon us. The holidays. Where we gather with family and friends around fire and hearth to poke at each other’s eyeballs with forks.

Run. I mean that in a T-Rex-is-gaining-on-us-in-the-Jeep sort of way.

From time to time my wife will venture out to work for the Portland elite to line her pocketses with a few handfuls of coppers. She hangs out her shingle as consultant and efficiency expert. That means, of course, employers will spend their entire day trying to trick her into changing diapers, walking the dog and running to Starbucks for another Cornucopia of Venti.

The following is a true story. No embellishment.

It was Thanksgiving. The husband’s parents arrived for a two-week stay. The day after Thanksgiving the wife took off, on her own, to vacation separately in Palm Springs until the in-laws had safely left town.

Why didn’t I think of that?! Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid. Me so stupid! Me bad.

With the in-laws left home alone, the husband locked himself away in the office. The nanny watched their children. And the mother-in-law proceeded to grill household staff. “What the hell does she do around here, anyway?”

God bless us, every one.

How to destroy your employees

shoutabyss:

I had big plans to make this post into a book. If it has enough pages it would make a serviceable blunt instrument. Killing two birds with one tome!

Originally posted on Shouts from the Abyss:

There goes an employee!

Being the boss is a hard job, but someone has to do it. Sure, it looks like fun, which is why secretly we’re all jealous. We all want to be the boss. But if you aren’t extremely careful you might do something nice, like build up your employees, or accidentally treat a lower-down with dignity and humanity.

Being the boss means you have to be ever diligent.

Sure, a lot of countries still allow employers to legally kill their employees, and you can certainly take that route, if you wish. But be honest. There isn’t much sport in giving an employee a love tap with a Luger to the skull. Real destruction takes a little more finesse and effort. Most employees have the potential to be worthy prey. Why waste that potential on a mere head shot?

There is no real right or wrong way to destroy an employee…

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The Christmas Snift: I’ll Drink To That!

shoutabyss:

Over the river and through the woods to the Nudge Wink Report where you’ll find my thoughts on festive holiday beverages. Was I naughty or nice? You make the call! Either way it’s still my gift to you. Don’t look so disappointed.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

qr-christmasSeasons eatings!

All of the old-fashioned giving this time of year is making me thirsty. I just made a donation in your name to The Human Fund and now I’m exhausted. It must be time for Festivus, especially the hip flask. Sometimes I celebrate a night early.

I’m in the spirit for some holiday cheer so me and my good buddy, the Ghost of Christmas Past, hit the town to chaser down some of the festive offerings. Let’s see what’s out there.

Beware of fast food outfits bearing gifts. Who knew that Sugar, Sugar was a Christmas song?

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