New dance move: The Swerve

By Crum!

A Crum-Skull.

“Life is a bad neighborhood.”
–Tom B. Taker

Oh, out on a lonely stretch of road
Beware o’ that unwritten code
Make an illegal pass again
He’ll leave you a fucking road stain

‘Cause the asshole is a person in your neighborhood
In your neighborhood
He’s in your highwayhood
An asshole is an asshole in your neighborhood
A person that you street each day

Life is hard. We all get that. Some of us, though, are a bit more proactive. We take that knowledge then go out there and do what little we can to make it even harder.

There are people who walk among us who do shitty things. Unimaginable assholes. In the old days they’d get away with it. But now, because lots of us cover ourselves with video cameras when we step out of the house, every once in a while one of them gets nabbed with their dirty mitts in the cookie jar.

Meet William Crum, age 68. Angry. White. Elderly. Texan. While out driving a two-lane blacktop with a double-yellow line he was illegally passed by a motorcyclist. We know what happened next because another motorcycle rider who was following behind got the entire thing on video.

As the motorcycle attempted to pass, Crum’s vehicle sharply and “violently” swerved and sideswiped the motorcycle, sending the two people on the bike to the ground. The motorcyclist suffered cuts and road burns. His girlfriend passenger, however, was airlifted to the hospital with more serious injuries. After spending time in intensive care she was moved to a regular room and is now in stable condition.

Confronted at the scene, Crum was recorded on video making this statement: “I don’t care. Double yellow stripes. I got stung by a wasp.”

Crum refused to apologize to the motorcyclist, saying, “To her [he would] … but to him, no, because he was doing something illegal.”

I now break out my Asshole Decoder Ring and offer the following analysis:

  • Crum. Probably the best-named human of all time.
  • “I don’t care.” Hmm. This statement reads on the meter as sincere. We’ll take him at his word.
  • “Double yellow stripes.” This goes to state of mind. What’s the most important notion stuck in his craw after wreaking violence on other human beings? Apparently he was fixated on the criminality of illegal passing. This is a solid piece of evidence that his swerve was intentional.
  • “I got stung by a wasp.” Now this is an interesting non sequitur. I can find no news coverage confirming if this has been medically confirmed. My guess? It’s a little self-defense tip he picked up from the book Always Blame Road Rage on Our Friends the Bees.
  • “He was doing something illegal.” There you have it. Judge. Jury. Swervecutioner.
  • Irony: While swerving to take out his victims, Crum crossed the double-yellow line himself, thus literally crossing the line from brooding hero vigilante to rabid criminal scum.

What do you think? Was it intentional? The police seem to think so. Crum has been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault causing serious bodily injury.

Sorry, Mr. Crum. I don’t dance.

Mi Casa Su Causality

anchorman-milk-was-a-bad-choice-300x239Selected pairing for this post: Enjoy!

Hey, thanks for having me over. I hope you don’t mind, but you did say, “Make yourself at home.”

So I:

  • Performed maximum quaffage on every partial bottle of whiskey.
  • Deleted all West Wing from your DVR and recorded a full season of Honey Boo Boo.
  • Adjusted the hot water heater to maximum.
  • Rubbed every towel on my butt rather than use toilet paper.
  • Let your cat outside.
  • Used your wi-fi to download the entire Metallica library with BitTorrents.
  • Dug your coffee can of cash out of the backyard.
  • Unlocked the windows and the side door on the garage.
  • Licked your ketchup bottle clean.
  • Went “two turntables and a microphone” on your collection of LPs.
  • Pushed over your hoarding piles in the garage and took a nap.
  • Spent your remaining iTunes balance on Demi Lovato.
  • Cleaned my genitals with your toothbrush.
  • Used your mom’s ashes to refill the litter box.

Don’t be angry. All of these are considered normal back home.

Dr. Tom’s Crunchy Elixir of Magical Cure


I admit it. I posted an article over on the Nudge Wink Report. Don’t believe me? Feel free to frisk my taco.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

A modern tragedy in three acts.

Alternate headline: Dr. Tom’s Magical Elixir of Crunchy Cure. (This is another installment in our ongoing Choose Your Adventure series. -Ed.)


This space intentionally left blank.

And scene.


“Is that a gun in your vagina or are you just happy to see me?”

View original 1,155 more words

No Hapologies


This way to the helipad!

I like Hillary. I’ve been her supporter for a few presidential cycles. On her mailing list I think you’ll find me in the “Old School” section. I got seniority. And, depending how things go, she probably has my vote in 2016. The “probably” is a subtle hint that my vote is not ironclad. Not this time around.

Some people give Hillary a lot of shit. Some I agree with (to some extent). Some is just stupid, crass, and mean-spirited and falls under the category of “My Side Good, Your Side Bad” politics.

Me? I prefer to call ’em like I see ’em. And this is one such case.

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Origami #poetry

origami-catOrigamis fall apart.
The center does not fold.


Off the Top of My Head

humanityI’m introducing a new feature here in the salt mines fueled by my insatiable desire to innovate. Off the top of my head I’ve decided to call it Off the Top of My Head. It’s part hair-raising excitement, part brainy thought-provoking ideas, a healthy dose of attitude, a smattering of snark, and, of course, snow drifts of dandruff.

Here’s just a little slice of the all-American pie known as Shit I’m Pondering Lately. This is stuff right Off the Top of My Head. (This post contains very little actual research.)

  • A doctor was diagnosing people with cancer when they did not have cancer. He even gave them chemo.
  • A doctor has been diagnosing women with MS when they did not have MS and putting them on a potentially dangerous battery of expensive medications.
  • Stories about sexual misconduct by doctors when patients are under have been in the news of late.
  • A priest installed a hidden camera that looks like a power outlet in the women’s restroom in his church. Before he could be brought to justice he bravely fled the country. Amen.
  • I’ve always known about the existence of hypocrites yet somehow I can still feign surprise when they are dragged out and exposed to the light of day. The case of John Duggar, a hyper-energetic evangelical Christian (see Quiverfull) is interesting. On one hand he’s an upstanding member of the community and fights for causes he believes in, like the sanctity of marriage (aka “seedbed of virtue”) while serving on an organization known as the Family Research Council. On the other hand he’s paying $250 for an account on, a web site that helps married people have affairs. Absolutely breathtaking.
  • Then there’s the case of Jared Fogle, Subway pitchman and part-time child pornographer. Let’s see. What’s the tally now? Bill Cosby? Horny. Brett Favre? Horny. Anthony Weiner? Horny. Tiger Woods? Horny. John Edwards? Horny. Sandwich guy? Really, really horny. Need I continue? I think I see a trend.

My point? None, really. Except, perhaps, that people like these actually exist. They are out there. They walk among us. They are, like Mr. Rogers likes to say, some of the people in our neighborhoods.

Who has a stronger moral code than humans? Try the humble amoeba. For starters.

Bonus read: Quiverfull of Shit: a Guide to the Duggars’ Scary Brand of Christianity (

Night Shrift

exhausted-kittyTom’s Law #42
Want to know who’s really in charge? Wait for the shit to go down and just watch.

Every year or so the stories briefly get featured on the evening news like a blip on a gloomy green radar screen then are as quickly forgotten. Until the next study is released or, worse, some human bodies are asploded. Now that’s news.

Think of a list of professions where you’d really like people to be fully rested and alert. Airline pilots? Air traffic control? Doctors? Truck drivers?

Nice list. Congratulations. You just came up with a list of people that we fuck the most. Logical, right?

This week, again, the issue of employee fatigue was in the news. The FAA commissioned a study on air traffic controller fatigue. The results are none too surprising. Then the government fought for four years to keep the findings secret.

“Psst. Hey dude. I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. You pay top dollar for me to conduct a study about how I’m fucking you over. Then I keep the results secret from you. Sounds like fun, right?”

What could possibly be going on here? Luckily I got a good night’s sleep.

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