Tag Archives: negativity

Stark Market

This is what my home office looks like. That's my stunt double.

This is my home office. That’s my stunt double.

If you came here expecting to learn about Winterfell please hold still while my dire wolves rip out your throat. For the rest of us, it’s time to explore the heady world of the stock market and high finance. BYOC. (Bring Your Own Cocaine.)

After yesterday’s false cheer I feel so dirty. It’s time to come clean. I’m gonna tell you how the shit works. All of it.

Disclaimer: I’m not big on introspection. I have never taken stock. I’m just a humble social scientist. These are my findings.

Allow me to introduce GUNT. That stands for Grand Unified Negativity Theory. GUNT is my life’s work. It’s a model that attempts to explain the sum total of human behavior.

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Guru Comic: Low-hanging Fruit

guru-low-hanging-fruit

Guru Comic: Boss Chair

guru-boss-chair

How To Be Livid

I will feast on your soul.

I will feast on your soul.

Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.

Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.

Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.

True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.

So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.

Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
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Guru Comic: Talk About The Weather

guru-weather

Priced as marked

price“This post doesn’t have a price tag? It must beĀ free, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

In response, the Abyssian customer service associate doesn’t lose his shit and calmly points at the the wall. “Clearly you did not see our sign.” It reads:

“The next customer to crack the ‘it must be free’ joke on an unmarked item will be stabbed in the eye. Thank you for shopping Abyss Inc.”
–Our humorous sign (patent pending)

And no, this post is not free. By reading this far, per our implied EULA buried on some other page you’ve never visited, you already owe me $2.99. I’d immediately quit reading if I were you.
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Guru Comic: Giving Thanks?

guru-thankful

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