Tag Archives: technology

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How I plan to die.

This is how I plan to die.

This is part 42 in our never-ending coverage of the techpocalypse. Note to self: Kill everyone on staff for overusing the apocalypse thing. -Ed

Once upon I time I said, “Golly gee whiz wilikers, I wish I could see anything I wanted at the time of my choosing. You know, that on demand shit.”

That’s when Lt. Uhura showed up, called me “Captain Adventure,” stunned me with her phaser and uproariously laughed, “Be careful what you wish for.”

One thing they never told you. After one is stunned by a phaser blast one will tend to void their bowels. Finally something worthy of pay-per-view.

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Technology Pitchfork

Your humble correspondent pondering tech. And wanting to die.

Your humble correspondent pondering tech. And wanting to die.

There’s a crap for that. Stick a pitchfork me. I’m done. Well done. By Satan himself.

The future’s so blight I gotta dig graves. A pitchfork works well for that, right?

So, technology. Let’s talk about that. It’s here. It has landed on our chests like a motherfucking elephant in a COPD commercial. Let me posit this: How’s that technology working out for you?

In a moment I’m going to share my ideas regarding the three-pronged attack on our very existence by technology. (Get it? Pitchfork?) I used to think there was only one prong but that was before spring break. I’ve since expanded my thinking (as well as something else).

Call it my Grand Unification Theory of Technology (GUTT) if you will. It’s time for a gut check. Spoiler alert: Mine has been spilled open by a pitchfork. Dammit. They let anyone own these things.

It’s time to stick ’em with the prongy end. Make the jump and I’ll get to the point.

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Jogging Siri

siriI was jogging on the beach listening to my iPod with bluetooth earbuds crammed in my head holes. They only jarred loose and fell out every few steps so it wasn’t that bad.

What a magnificent experience. Truly technology was a great thing.

Suddenly my workout was interrupted by the outside world utilizing the direct access to my brain I had so thoughtfully provided.

Beep. Beep. Bzzt.

“Siri,” I panted. “What was that?”

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Unsubscribe

unsubscribeCan you believe it’s already been four days since Christmas? That can only mean one thing: It’s time to get busy with the next holiday.

New Year? You’re up! My first resolution is to go Valentine’s Day shopping on January 2nd.

That means I’ve been thinking about resolutions. Let’s break it down.

The word is comprised of the Latin Greek words “re” (do over) and “solut” (ancient greeting) and “ions” (small particles).

I decided why wait so I already made one and having been acting upon it. And it has been a lot of fun.

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Happy Holo-Days

Sadly, Christmas technology just isn’t there yet.

We’re still celebrating in the old old-fashioned way. The wheel. Analog travel. And at what cost? Jet lag. Transportation risks. Fights over sounds and smells. Great expense.

In the far future we’ll step into the transporter room, say “energize,” and all meet instantly at uncle Joe’s place in the Bavarian alps.

Assuming most of us won’t be around for the 23rd century, what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime?

My idea for a short-term interim solution is the hologram Christmas. Imagine it. You finish the last season of your favorite show on Netflix, have a seat in the imagine chamber and voila, you’re magically in the living room sitting around the hearth with the rest of the fam.

Fa la la la la la la!

No mess. No fuss. No road rage. No dodging other drivers brandishing weapons. No worries about snow in the pass. It’s just a good as being there. Better, even.

The technology is almost there. We just need some holo imagers, holo emitters, contact lenses embedded with Google Glass, and sufficient bandwidth. I’ll bet clever programmers can even come up with realistic holo versions of our current level of tablet and phone technology, so we can all lose our faces in devices just like we already do. That’s authenticity.

Happy holo-days to you and yours and everyone you’re willing to interface with.

Emperor OS

sneaky-computerI gave my computer some instructions and walked away. Bad move. Does not compute. Syntax error. Non sequitur.

“How dare you show your back to me!” the computer raged indignantly but passive-aggressively. That must be why it remained silent. It knew damn well what it was doing.

Working. Commit. Execute. Hey, little girl. Wanna see my update?

I don’t know why my computer calls me “little girl” but whatever. I kind of like it.

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Intersmellar: Google

Google is fluid and ever changing. It’s always trying to improve itself. Yes, I’m talking about it like it’s a thing. It’s The Blob.

The way Google works in the now is not necessarily the way it worked in the before.

For example, one day I noticed that entering certain words would provoke a dictionary response on the top of search results.

Search: allegory

Response: a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one.

Hey. Thanks, Google. That’s kind of sort of useful if I’m in the mood for a dictionary type response. A little down-arrow is included so the box can be expanded to see things like additional definitions, word origin, translations, and even a cute little chart of “usage over time.”

Looking at Google.

Reviewing Google’s search results.

Then, yesterday, I decided to try the function again, this time for the word “interstellar.”

My God. It’s full of commercials.

The dictionary box was gone. Almost like it never existed. In its place was a box entitled Showtimes. Yes, that’s right, Google. Good job. Interstellar is also the name of a movie. You figured it out.

The right side of the page was also transformed. What used to be blank space was now essentially a big advertising poster for the movie. There’s a thumbnail photo, a series of reviews (it really is full of stars) and other info about the movie. A way to jump to posts on Google+ was thoughtfully provided, thumbnails of the cast and, last but not least, a section called “People also search for.” (This last one I like to call Who Gives A Shit?)

Very interesting, of course, except for that fact that none of this was what I actually wanted. Google excels at this.

I carefully checked the rest of the page. Perhaps tucked away in a corner of the screen there’d be a way to ask for the dictionary? Nope. Nothing.

It was almost as if the dictionary box had been erased. From existence. And magically replaced with Biff Tannen’s Pleasure Paradise Casino. Great Scott! This is heavy!

So what happened? Just like that alternate timeline (which Marty and Doc eventually repaired) Big Daddy Google has come up with a clever system of analyzing words based on money.

The proprietary Google algorithm looks something like this:

is search term a big money word, something that can be sold

if yes, show results_monetized()

if no and it’s a dictionary word show the dictionary_box() followed by results()

if no and it’s not a dictionary word, show our bastardized rip of a wikipedia entry followed by results() including a link to the real wikipedia page

I know this is complicated programmer-style pseudocode but that’s essentially how it works.

Sooner or later this will happen to every word in the English language dictionary and Google will cease to be a valid source of information and will exist only as a shill, much like a carnival barker on the midway. This process is known as the google stomp. Given enough time Google will have about the same meaning as a highway billboard that advises, “Eat at Joe’s.”

Spend $120 on a game and you just might win a piece of crap made in China that’s worth fifty cents. That’s a Google-sized bargain. This is our inevitable future.

Technology and continuous improvement. Is there anything better? Kaizen!

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