Tag Archives: twitter

Comic: Millennial Baby

baby-comic

Likeotomy

Insulin_shock_therapy

Doctors performing likeotomy on a volunteer subject.

A reading from the book of Demotivational Dictionary:

likeotomy |līˈkätəmē|

noun (pl. likeotomies) [ usu. in sing. ]

usage of the “favorite” button on tweets about my lobotomy: too bad you are now unable to grok the likeotomy I gave you.

A reading from the book of Demotivational Dictionary.

I’m pretty much a collector of likes. Feel free to share one of your own. I always appreciate them. I think.

[I] want to say thank you to you. I haven’t had an orthodox career and I’ve wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it. And I can’t deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me! Thank you.
–Sally Fields, March 25, 1985

Sally Field about to bludgeon who failed to favorite a tweet.

Sally Field about to bludgeon a cretin who failed to favorite her tweet.

Thank you, Ms. Fields. That’s exactly how I feel each and every time one of my tweets gets a star on the Twitter Walk of Shame. I’ve personally counted more visits by Halley’s Comet, though.

It works like this: You see a tweet you like (or some other masturbatory form of social media expression) and you like it. So you click the little icon that means favorite, like, upvote, star and/or what not. What’s so hard to understand about that?!

It turns out that “like” is sometimes the wrong tone.

“My father molested me every single day until I was eight years old.”

Do you think, somehow, that “like” seems misplaced here?

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I Do Jurassic

wacky-weddingThis month my wife and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. (She registered us at Home Depot if anyone is interested.)

Ten glorious years. How to properly signify such an event? I, for one, want to renew our wedding vows. Because, have you seen the Jurassic Park wedding photo craze going around?

It works like this:

First, get Jeff Goldblum to attend your function. Next, pick an expansive outdoor location that will make a good backdrop for your photographic for your marital hijinks. Prepare your guests so that when the photographer says, “Say cheese!” that’s their cue to act like idiots. Last, but not least, photoshop something into the background like a T-Rex or Olivia Wilde feeding her baby.

Viola! Say adios to traditional boring ceremony and hola to hilarious social virality.

For sprinkles on top I’m going to mix in some twerking, planking and, my personal favorite, on ongoing web-series where I recreate iconic photos from history like Marilyn Monroe getting her dress blown up. (These shots will be worth the wait. I promise.) We’ll also do lots of shots of people jumping in the air with brooms and looking like idiots from Harry Potter.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if any record of our original vows exist. I remember the wife wrote some for her. I have these memories that I was supposed to do something similar. I totally remember her going on and on about it. And, I’m pretty sure I treated the event like a poetry slam and improvised some pretty impressive shit. True, we no longer have an exact record but I’m pretty sure it liberally featured things like “I love you” and “you are beautiful” and “I’m sorry.” Really good stuff.

The point here is that you have to make your wedding fun and memorable and viral for people other than yourselves. That reminds me: All wedding guests will have to grow beards and wear fedoras.

Or maybe we could forget all that, go green screen, and get J. J. Abrams to shake a camera and add lens flares?

This is going to be so cool! Truly the event of the season.

We’ll simulcast a live video feed of the event along with microblogs on Twitter. Sure my iPad will be in every shot but it’ll be worth it.

I almost feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah! Who’s my wife again? Because, it’s all about the special love between two people. Yeah, right!

Two Jokes Walk Into A Bar #barjokes

bar-jokeTwo jokes walk into a bar and get hit in the face. #punchline

Yeah, I just wrote that one. Right now. Real time.

So I thought it would be a fun and cheap blog post idea to find some of the bar jokes I’ve written on the Twitter. Bad idea. It turned out to be a lot more work than I thought!

Someone should buy me a drink!

I write all my own jokes except the ones I steal. I wrote all of the following. Any resemblance to other bar jokes is damn shitty.

Enjoy!

Two hadron colliders walk out of a bar and say, “Let’s meet up later.”

I walked into a #Portland bar and a #hipster projected #identity all over me.

Two empty calendars walk into a bar and say, “We’re just here to get some dates.”
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Blockages: The Tony Vlachos Story #Survivor

tony-vlachosThere are two things I like. The reality TV show Survivor and the reality social show Twitter. These are a few of my favorite things.

Survivor is a delight as a little microcosm of humanity. An animated diorama world of greed and bad behavior inside the magic box. What’s not to like?

Twitter, with its 140-character limit, is a short and sweet. In the right hands it can be art form. In the wrong hands? “I’m on the can” or “I’m drinking a smoothie.” Often in the very same tweet.

I’ve been religiously watching Survivor since day one when Richard Hatch won the inaugural season in Borneo. I never miss an episode.

Earlier this year, when Survivor Cagayan, the 28th season, was announced, I did something new. I used Twitter to interact with some contestants on the show. The worlds of Survivor and Twitter collided like chocolate in my peanut butter.
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Punt/Counterpunt: #Selfie

punt-counterpuntThis is first in a new series of posts I’m calling Punt/Counterpunt. In this provocative new regular feature, I tackle the tough societal issues of the day. Issues that we all see staring down the barrel. To help, I humbly offer my insights in short miroblogging nuggets of wisdom. -Ed.

The Selfie

With the inclusion of the word “selfie” in the Oxford Dictionary the time has come for me to punt on this topic. Warning: Don’t ever ever Google Image Search this word, like in case you are preparing to write a blog post about the topic. Your eyes will burn and roll down your face like jelly in a George R. R. Martin novel.

You have been warned.

And now, without further ado, the puntage:

Make the jump for more.
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Embedded: Twitter puts outage

Hide and seek. Did I scare you?

Earlier this week, Twitter went down. It went down hard. It was scary. I know because I was there. I now officially have the PTSD. At last, I’m finally somebody.

The duration of the outage was about 45 minutes. That’s approximately twice the amount of time Apollo 13 spent out of radio contact when it was behind the moon. I just got a double dose of what it must have felt like to be in Mission Control. And I’m a non-smoker!

It was the longest outage since Twitter’s IPO and the second crash in the last nine days.

The outage was described in the strongest possible terms as the “longest outage since the IPO.” What those two things have to do with each other I have absolutely no idea.

Some in the media took the opportunity to write quippish jokes about the mayhem. (Hint: It was too soon.) Jokes, I must say, that practically wrote themselves.

  • “Twitter Suffers Outage During Biz Stone’s Panel at SXSW” – I don’t know what a “Biz Stone” is but I bet it was pissed. Source: WSJ.
  • “Twitter Outage Takes Site Down for 45 Minutes, Users Stranded” – I bet a lot of them were forced to hitchhike. Source: Newsmax.com.
  • “Twitter goes down, chaos and productivity ensue” – What the fuck are you implying? Source: Washington Post.
  • “‘We Experienced Unexpected Complications': The Language Of Twitter Outages” – Hey, that’s the hip new lingo. Source: Lifehacker Australia.
  • “Twitter Goes Down: Something is Technically Wrong” – You have a firm grasp of the obvious. Souce: The Next Web.
  • “Twitter Briefly Goes Down, Silencing Millions Of Horrible, Unnecessary Twitter Jokes” – That hurts, that really hurts. Source: Huffington Post.

Again, as your intrepid embedded reporter, I was there on the front lines. What follows are my eyewitness firsthand accounts of the action as it unfolded.
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