Yeah, I just wrote that one. Right now. Real time.
So I thought it would be a fun and cheap blog post idea to find some of the bar jokes I’ve written on the Twitter. Bad idea. It turned out to be a lot more work than I thought!
Someone should buy me a drink!
I write all my own jokes except the ones I steal. I wrote all of the following. Any resemblance to other bar jokes is damn shitty.
Two hadron colliders walk out of a bar and say, “Let’s meet up later.”
I walked into a #Portland bar and a #hipster projected #identity all over me.
Two empty calendars walk into a bar and say, “We’re just here to get some dates.”
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Survivor is a delight as a little microcosm of humanity. An animated diorama world of greed and bad behavior inside the magic box. What’s not to like?
Twitter, with its 140-character limit, is a short and sweet. In the right hands it can be art form. In the wrong hands? “I’m on the can” or “I’m drinking a smoothie.” Often in the very same tweet.
I’ve been religiously watching Survivor since day one when Richard Hatch won the inaugural season in Borneo. I never miss an episode.
Earlier this year, when Survivor Cagayan, the 28th season, was announced, I did something new. I used Twitter to interact with some contestants on the show. The worlds of Survivor and Twitter collided like chocolate in my peanut butter.
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I’ve learned that Twitter is the perfect place to hide my most intimate thoughts with little risk of them ever being discovered. Fiendishly clever, eh? For some time I’ve been using Twitter to send out long distance dedications using the hashtag #AbyssLoveSongs. No one ever suspected a thing.
Let’s tune in and take a listen to the chilled, ambient grooves of Young Guru in Love, shall we?
I Got Wipes #AbyssLoveSongs
I Want To Eat Your Bran #AbyssLoveSongs
Don’t Bring A Strife To A Fun Fight #AbyssLoveSongs
All I Wanna Do Is A Shroom Shroom #AbyssLoveSongs
Another One Rides The Truss #AbyssLoveSongs
Be My Shover #AbyssLoveSongs
Saturday Night’s Alright For Biting #AbyssLoveSongs
Dangers In The Night #AbyssLoveSongs
Born To Be Mild #AbyssLoveSongs
Snub Will Keep Us Together #AbyssLoveSongs
You’ll Never Wok Alone #AbyssLoveSongs
I’m No Excited #AbyssLoveSongs
You’ve Got A Fiend #AbyssLoveSongs
What Part Of Ho Don’t You Understand #AbyssLoveSongs #AbyssChristmasSongs #holiday
Everybody Regret Now #AbyssLoveSongs
Come Flail Away #AbyssLoveSongs
Does Anybody Really Know What Slime It Is #AbyssLoveSongs
Where Did You Peep Last Night #AbyssLoveSongs
It’s My Bacardi I’ll Fry If I Want To #AbyssLoveSongs
In The Middle Of The Spite #AbyssLoveSongs
Sweet Child In Brine #AbyssLoveSongs
Welcome To The Fungal #AbyssLoveSongs
Bit Me Baby One More Time #AbyssLoveSongs
Hitch A Snide #AbyssLoveSongs
Can’t Guile Without You #AbyssLoveSongs
Return To Blender #AbyssLoveSongs
We Will Block You #AbyssLoveSongs
RT @Metalworks4: @shoutabyss #AbyssLoveSongs Whole Lotta Glove (as sung by a proctologist)
LARP Dressed Man #AbyssLoveSongs
You’re The One That I Taunt #AbyssLoveSongs
Afternoon Be Fright #AbyssLoveSongs
Don’t Go Staking My Heart #AbyssLoveSongs #vampiric
Ring Of Ire #AbyssLoveSongs
I Want To Hold Your Gland #AbyssLoveSongs
When I Kneed You #AbyssLoveSongs
Put Your Head On My Sleepy Hollow #AbyssLoveSongs
Come what may.
This just in: The Earth’s tilt (or spin axis, if you will) is still 23.5 degrees. Ooooh, yikes. That’s a mite chilly, mate. 23 freaking degrees?!? Are we talking fahrenheit or celsius? Either way, that’s colder than [insert your own obscene colloquialism here] in a pickle jar!
That’s pretty damn cold.
Weather segments on the local news have always been a bit extreme, full of histrionics and hyperbole. ZOMG, tomorrow there’s going to be wet, sun, fog, humidity, wind, mist, hail, and, worst of all, clouds. No shit? Really? Ya think?
Tell you what? If you can successfully predict before it happens when lizards will fall out of the sky, wake me up. Okay? Until then? Shut your fucking omen hole.
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