Tag Archives: twitter

Two Jokes Walk Into A Bar #barjokes

bar-jokeTwo jokes walk into a bar and get hit in the face. #punchline

Yeah, I just wrote that one. Right now. Real time.

So I thought it would be a fun and cheap blog post idea to find some of the bar jokes I’ve written on the Twitter. Bad idea. It turned out to be a lot more work than I thought!

Someone should buy me a drink!

I write all my own jokes except the ones I steal. I wrote all of the following. Any resemblance to other bar jokes is damn shitty.

Enjoy!

Two hadron colliders walk out of a bar and say, “Let’s meet up later.”

I walked into a #Portland bar and a #hipster projected #identity all over me.

Two empty calendars walk into a bar and say, “We’re just here to get some dates.”
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Blockages: The Tony Vlachos Story #Survivor

tony-vlachosThere are two things I like. The reality TV show Survivor and the reality social show Twitter. These are a few of my favorite things.

Survivor is a delight as a little microcosm of humanity. An animated diorama world of greed and bad behavior inside the magic box. What’s not to like?

Twitter, with its 140-character limit, is a short and sweet. In the right hands it can be art form. In the wrong hands? “I’m on the can” or “I’m drinking a smoothie.” Often in the very same tweet.

I’ve been religiously watching Survivor since day one when Richard Hatch won the inaugural season in Borneo. I never miss an episode.

Earlier this year, when Survivor Cagayan, the 28th season, was announced, I did something new. I used Twitter to interact with some contestants on the show. The worlds of Survivor and Twitter collided like chocolate in my peanut butter.
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Punt/Counterpunt: #Selfie

punt-counterpuntThis is first in a new series of posts I’m calling Punt/Counterpunt. In this provocative new regular feature, I tackle the tough societal issues of the day. Issues that we all see staring down the barrel. To help, I humbly offer my insights in short miroblogging nuggets of wisdom. -Ed.

The Selfie

With the inclusion of the word “selfie” in the Oxford Dictionary the time has come for me to punt on this topic. Warning: Don’t ever ever Google Image Search this word, like in case you are preparing to write a blog post about the topic. Your eyes will burn and roll down your face like jelly in a George R. R. Martin novel.

You have been warned.

And now, without further ado, the puntage:

Make the jump for more.
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Embedded: Twitter puts outage

Hide and seek. Did I scare you?

Earlier this week, Twitter went down. It went down hard. It was scary. I know because I was there. I now officially have the PTSD. At last, I’m finally somebody.

The duration of the outage was about 45 minutes. That’s approximately twice the amount of time Apollo 13 spent out of radio contact when it was behind the moon. I just got a double dose of what it must have felt like to be in Mission Control. And I’m a non-smoker!

It was the longest outage since Twitter’s IPO and the second crash in the last nine days.

The outage was described in the strongest possible terms as the “longest outage since the IPO.” What those two things have to do with each other I have absolutely no idea.

Some in the media took the opportunity to write quippish jokes about the mayhem. (Hint: It was too soon.) Jokes, I must say, that practically wrote themselves.

  • “Twitter Suffers Outage During Biz Stone’s Panel at SXSW” – I don’t know what a “Biz Stone” is but I bet it was pissed. Source: WSJ.
  • “Twitter Outage Takes Site Down for 45 Minutes, Users Stranded” – I bet a lot of them were forced to hitchhike. Source: Newsmax.com.
  • “Twitter goes down, chaos and productivity ensue” – What the fuck are you implying? Source: Washington Post.
  • “‘We Experienced Unexpected Complications': The Language Of Twitter Outages” – Hey, that’s the hip new lingo. Source: Lifehacker Australia.
  • “Twitter Goes Down: Something is Technically Wrong” – You have a firm grasp of the obvious. Souce: The Next Web.
  • “Twitter Briefly Goes Down, Silencing Millions Of Horrible, Unnecessary Twitter Jokes” – That hurts, that really hurts. Source: Huffington Post.

Again, as your intrepid embedded reporter, I was there on the front lines. What follows are my eyewitness firsthand accounts of the action as it unfolded.
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Abyss Love Songs hashtag What What

boba-fettI’ve learned that Twitter is the perfect place to hide my most intimate thoughts with little risk of them ever being discovered. Fiendishly clever, eh? For some time I’ve been using Twitter to send out long distance dedications using the hashtag #AbyssLoveSongs. No one ever suspected a thing.

Let’s tune in and take a listen to the chilled, ambient grooves of Young Guru in Love, shall we?

I Got Wipes #AbyssLoveSongs

I Want To Eat Your Bran #AbyssLoveSongs

Don’t Bring A Strife To A Fun Fight #AbyssLoveSongs

All I Wanna Do Is A Shroom Shroom #AbyssLoveSongs

Another One Rides The Truss #AbyssLoveSongs

Be My Shover #AbyssLoveSongs

Saturday Night’s Alright For Biting #AbyssLoveSongs

Dangers In The Night #AbyssLoveSongs

Born To Be Mild #AbyssLoveSongs

Snub Will Keep Us Together #AbyssLoveSongs

You’ll Never Wok Alone #AbyssLoveSongs

I’m No Excited #AbyssLoveSongs

You’ve Got A Fiend #AbyssLoveSongs

What Part Of Ho Don’t You Understand #AbyssLoveSongs #AbyssChristmasSongs #holiday

Everybody Regret Now #AbyssLoveSongs

Come Flail Away #AbyssLoveSongs

Does Anybody Really Know What Slime It Is #AbyssLoveSongs

Where Did You Peep Last Night #AbyssLoveSongs

It’s My Bacardi I’ll Fry If I Want To #AbyssLoveSongs

In The Middle Of The Spite #AbyssLoveSongs

Sweet Child In Brine #AbyssLoveSongs

Welcome To The Fungal #AbyssLoveSongs

Bit Me Baby One More Time #AbyssLoveSongs

Hitch A Snide #AbyssLoveSongs

Can’t Guile Without You #AbyssLoveSongs

Return To Blender #AbyssLoveSongs

We Will Block You #AbyssLoveSongs

RT @Metalworks4: @shoutabyss #AbyssLoveSongs Whole Lotta Glove (as sung by a proctologist)

LARP Dressed Man #AbyssLoveSongs

You’re The One That I Taunt #AbyssLoveSongs

Afternoon Be Fright #AbyssLoveSongs

Don’t Go Staking My Heart #AbyssLoveSongs #vampiric

Ring Of Ire #AbyssLoveSongs

I Want To Hold Your Gland #AbyssLoveSongs

When I Kneed You #AbyssLoveSongs

Put Your Head On My Sleepy Hollow #AbyssLoveSongs

Breaking News: Winter is cold!

Really? Flip flops? Really?

Really? Flip flops? Really?

Come what may.

This just in: The Earth’s tilt (or spin axis, if you will) is still 23.5 degrees. Ooooh, yikes. That’s a mite chilly, mate. 23 freaking degrees?!? Are we talking fahrenheit or celsius? Either way, that’s colder than [insert your own obscene colloquialism here] in a pickle jar!

That’s pretty damn cold.

Weather segments on the local news have always been a bit extreme, full of histrionics and hyperbole. ZOMG, tomorrow there’s going to be wet, sun, fog, humidity, wind, mist, hail, and, worst of all, clouds. No shit? Really? Ya think?

Tell you what? If you can successfully predict before it happens when lizards will fall out of the sky, wake me up. Okay? Until then? Shut your fucking omen hole.
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Sneaky Snarky Tweet

Boys and girls take warning, if you go near the tweet
Don’t follow too many, your timeline will overheat
Now maybe they won’t see you, maybe they won’t hark
When you sneak up behind them, while laughing at your snark

Today I give out my patented top secret technique for managing your Twitter account. Just the other day I gave away my patented Tort Reform Quiz for Dummies absolutely free. Now here I go again, giving away the store. For free!

My patents are flying out the door. I think I must be patently insane. It’s all part of my gift to you, the loyal reader.

Have you ever followed anyone on Twitter only to be irritated by how they keep on tweeting additional shit? So annoying! Like they actually believe someone gives a shit? I know!

Sure, you could unfollow them but that’s the coward’s way out. If only there was some other way?

Now there is! Read on to learn my secret technique. Shhhhhh! This is only between you and me. Don’t tell anyone.
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