Tag Archives: windows

Here Protection

hear-protectionSummer is still weeks away but we’re already beginning to feel the effects.

The local TV news, which consists of 18 minutes weather, 2 minutes news and 10 minutes commercials, has been telling us for months that practically every single day is setting another local weather record. In winter we had the warmest winter days ever. There have been lots of rainfall records along the way, including one just a couple of days ago. And now, finally, record heat days are occurring on a regular basis.

I think we’re setting a record on setting new records. Somebody check the records. This has got to be true.

Living in Portland means, of course, there is no air conditioning in our house circa 1950s. I think they hates them, they do. Maybe things were cooler in the 1950s so people didn’t think they were really needed? Bioswale floors, walls, ceilings and roofs constructed out of organic kale didn’t exist back then, did they?

Whatever the case, when the heat hits our house like an oven on broil, the windows, reluctantly, have to be placed in the “open” position. And that’s when the shit goes sideways.

Hello, neighbors.
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Foods With Benefits

processed-foodFood has been sleeping around with your stomach and no condoms have ever been involved. It’s like a 60′s love fest in your belly. Groovy, baby.

It turns out that the human stomach isn’t that discriminating. It’s a go-with-the-flow kind of hipster dufus (probably wearing a fedora) who blindly trusts decisions made by the brain and mouth. Ha ha ha! Like they give a shit about downstream organs!

Tom’s Law #42

As one becomes less involved in the production and preparing of one’s own food, the odds of unwanted contaminants, unknown ingredients, lessened nutrition, deception and malice are exponentially increased.

Chew on that!

For example, the average fast food patron eats an average of 12 public hairs per year. And probably in a public place! Some things are meant to be handled in pubic.
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Audible Ejaculations #graph

noiseTelevision commercials used to employ this rather snarky trick. (No doubt they still do, but I eschew commercial-based television so I don’t really know. I’d rather chew off my own leg and/or mate with Miley Cyrus.)

The trick worked like this:

You’d turn on the TV and select a show. You’d adjust the volume to a reasonable and comfortable level for watching the show.

Then, a commercial would come on and the windows would get blown out of your house. Shellshocked, with blood leaking from your ears due to the burst eardrums, you’d scrabble in vain for the remote control and fail. But it didn’t matter because it was already too late.

Like always, advertising is a subtle business with a deft touch.
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Windows on my pain

This weekend I did something I should have done about one year ago when I got my new iMac. I dragged out an ethernet cable, hooked it up to the old PC running Windows XP, and began the arduous task of retrieving my data.

First I had to get the computers to talk to each other. I thought it will be a process like finding the other computer on the local network and clicking it and being prompted for a username and password. I figured the latter would be no big deal because I was the “administrator” on both of the computers.

Wrong.
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Will Windows Phone 7 save the world?

Windows Phone 7

Guess which tile is the most special, Elmo!

This post is an abyss-style product review. What that means, of course, is that I’ll criticize a product I’ve never used, seen or touched.

When we last heard from the Windows Phone it was featured in a humorous ad campaign that promised to “save us from our phones.”

Well, how did it do?

The new ad campaign features people doing Important Things. In one commercial a parent is about to attend their child’s soccer game. In another a person is out clubbing.

In each case, however, before the people enjoy the real life activity at hand, they have to check their Windows Phone 7 to make sure all is well with the online world before engaging in some real life.

The clubbing commercial is particularly telling. Although the man is on a dance floor in a target-rich environment, he has to check his “Xbox LIVE” before he can even think about cutting a rug with the ladies. What is Xbox LIVE? It is merely the “unbeatable entertainment experience” for the Xbox 360. What is the Xbox 360? It’s a video game console made by Microsoft. I assume in the commercial the man must be keeping the unit under his shirt. Or maybe in his pants to improve his appeal the opposite sex and/or gender of his preference.

Yes, in the view of Microsoft, it would be normal for someone to go out on the dance floor and stop to check the status of their video game console before engaging with live human beings.

Maybe with the new Kinect live feature the man can put the phone in Kinect Live mode and dance with his video game system back home. No longer does dancing by yourself have to be embarrassing!

I have judged enough. I deem Microsoft’s promise of saving us from our phones to be an EPIC FAIL. At the end of the day Microsoft merely wants people doing more of the same with their electronic leashes. They merely prefer that it happens with their product rather than a competitor’s.

If Microsoft truly wanted to save us from our phones they’d invent a feature that tells the online world it will have to wait while we are out doing real stuff. They could call it an answering machine or something like that.

Blog Post coming soon

At last, a new phone that does all the dumb ass shit that current phones can do. Only in a suckier way. What a twist!

Microsoft has inspired me. I am pleased to release the following bit of hype about big plans here on the blog. These are exciting heady times. Be sure to stay tuned!

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