Tiger is the master … of understatement

Tiger gives us his O-Face

Tiger gives us his O-Face

On Feb. 19, 2010, Tiger Woods issued his apology.

One thing he said during his statement was, “The issue here is that I cheated.” Gee. Ya think? That’s like saying Charles Manson was a good personal motivator. Heck, when you put it that way it hardly even sounds like you did anything wrong.

Like a Tootsie Pop, the world may never really know how many licks it took Tiger to get to the center. Umm, wait. Strike that. The world may never know how many women Tiger frolicked with while he was married. Saying, “I cheated,” doesn’t even remotely feel like it approachs the severity of what he did.

I ran Tiger’s statement through the pubic relations (PR) translator. This is what I came up with:

Good morning. I got caught. If I hadn’t got caught I wouldn’t be here. But I did get caught. So now I’m forced to stop for a while, stand here, and pretend to apologize.

Some of you feel like I let you down but this is none of your damn business. I’ve done a lot of great work for kids. I am great. But even though I’m great I have now realized that even someone like me can still get caught. So I will work harder at covering my tracks. I am a Master so this should be easy for me. Money and fame means normal rules don’t apply to me. Now that I think about it, Buddhism sounds like a great way to help hide my behavior and cause distraction in the future.

I know I’m here to apologize, but no apology is complete without a discussion about my playing status. In this situation I’m forced to keep up appearances by taking a break from golf for a while. One day, though, I’ll be back. I’m not ruling out a return to golf this year, because if there is one thing I know at this early juncture, whether I’m “cured” or not, I’ll be playing some more golf no matter what.

To everyone who has stood by me during this difficult time, thank you. I couldn’t have gotten away with this as long as I did without your tacit complicity, assistance and silence. Thank you. I’m sure I speak for my wife as well when I say thank you for your help.

Thank you, PR translator!

And thanks to Tiger, we now have the media paying a lot of attention to “sexual addiction.” Sadly, even as much as the thought of this condition excites us, it hasn’t even qualified as a condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), current edition (DSM-IV-TR aka DSM5 released 2000).

You can bet your bippy that “sexual addiction” or “hypersexuality” will be in the next version of the DSM, perhaps with a picture of Tiger showing his O-Face. When you pick up your copy of the DSM6 be sure to turn to that new entry and remember you heard it here first!

I recently read one article that summed up “sexual addiction” like this:

One fact that stood out in the article is just how many people are impacted by sex addiction. The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity estimates that as many as 18 to 24 million people are sex addicts. This means that another several million are co-sex addicts (commonly known as “cosas”) and suffering perhaps more than the addict himself from the downward spiral of the disease.

In other recent tigerrific news, Gatorade (a subsidiary of PepsiCo.) has broken off sponsorship of Tiger Woods. Woot!

You gotta hand it to Nike, however. Their support for Tiger has never wavered. Apparently the company shares similar family values as Tiger so they don’t see a problem. It must be a match made in heaven. Perhaps they will even update their famous slogan: Just Screw It. Other companies that have also failed to end sponsorships of Tiger include Upper Deck Co. (maker of sports memorabilia) and videogame maker Electronic Arts, which has built a golf game franchise around the persona of Tiger Woods.

Now grab a cold one – Gatorade, of course – and join me for a rendition of “All Apologies” by Nirvana. Tiger, this Gatorade’s for you!

6 responses

  1. This is brilliant! You oughta be getting paid for this!


    1. Aw, thanks. I believe I did just get paid …. with another thoughtful comment! 🙂

      I always appreciate those so much.

      But yeah, some cold hard cash would be nice, too. Maybe someday. I certainly feel like I have the skillz to pay the billz. Then I’d be able to become accustomed to the bling lifestyle that I’m wanting to become accustomed to. Or something like that.

      Heck, maybe Tiger could give me a tip for taking my valuable time to mention him in my blog. Just one percent of what he’s worth represents more wealth than I will earn during my entire lifetime. I could roll with that.

      Isn’t it interesting how our capitalist society prioritizes the wealth of us as human beings? Whatever the hell it is I do at my job is not 1/100000th as important as hitting a little ball with a stick and sending it into a hole in the ground. Nice! Now I feel like a worthless piece of shit.


      1. Sports is one area that we do choose to pay the high salaries. If we didn’t watch and buy the junk, there wouldn’t be any money to pay those high prices. One area I think we get screwed is paying those high financiers, like Goldman Sachs. I heard someone on television today ask, and I always ask the same question, what do these guys do that adds value to the system? I think they are like trolls at the bridge. Someone else built the bridge, but the trolls have gotten the right to skim money from everyone who crosses the bridge. The trolls won’t even let us bypass. I wish I knew how to boycott them.

        All societies prioritize people. Some people are deemed more valuable, or else they deem themselves as more valuable and bully the rest of society. In some countries it’s the politicians or party members, in others it’s the people with all of the money, in others it’s the people with all of the guns.

        Why do we pay entertainers so much? It amazes me that we pay so much money to people who are the best at pretending to be something they’re not. We like fantasy, we like make-believe. Hey, I like it, too, but I think we should spend more money on basic science research, medical research, environmental issues, etc. That said, you and I had better start writing our best-selling novels so we can be highly paid, too!


  2. unabridgedgirl | Reply

    “But even though I’m great I have now realized that even someone like me can still get caught. ”

    Seriously. THAT is his attitude. You are amazing. I dislike so many celebrities, it’s not even funny. Or rather, I dislike their I Derserve Everything, Including Your Respect Always, Attitude.



  3. THANK YOU for saying exactly what I’ve been thinking during this whole mess. I told my husband when it first broke that I felt Tiger did it because Tiger felt he could get away with it (which is basically what he ended up saying in his “apology”) And the press has been tiptoeing all over this issue. Why?


  4. If it wasn’t for his high and mighty friggin shit doesn’t stink attitude, he wouldn’t have had to face the media. This was something he did in his personal life and has no bearing on him as a sports star. To be honest the only person he should be apologizing to is his wife. The only reason he did the press conference was for his own selfish reasons (or his wife’s lawyers have made him). Lets face it he wouldn’t have done it unless it benefited his wallet.


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