Having the best customers to service

Don’t you eyeball me, boy!

Who says you can’t have it all?

When you love what you do and you have the best customers in the whole world, that’s the proverbial “win-win.”

Oh yes, I’m one of the lucky ones. Because I’m the exact opposite of all that bullshit. I’m a 180 degrees kind of guy.

We’ve been open less than 20 minutes today and already I’m punching myself in the face for not owning an Uzi.

Outside on the wall by our front door is a 20′ sign that says the name of our business. Again, the little apostrophe indicates feet. As in: The sign is 20-fucking-feet big!

One minute after opening a customer walks in. This guy is ugly, dressed like an idiot, and based on appearance and smell, does not count Mr. Shower and Mrs. Soap amongst his friends.

Then he opened his mouth and demonstrated the power of his brain:

“Am I in the right place?”

Ah. That is the quintessential question we all ask ourselves, right? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is this all there is?

No, his question was just a skosh simpler than that.

So many possible responses run through my head. One of the biggest, of course, is: “How the hell should I know? What in the name of fuck of all that’s holy are you looking for?” Let me consult my crystal ball that will allow me to look inside your head and see what you are thinking. Oops, it doesn’t work on things that small. Sorry.

His next question was even brighter:

“Is this Acme Corp?”

The bile was literally spilling out of my mouth by then. It had risen too high to remain contained. Gee whiz, asshole, what do you think? Did that fucking 20′ sign with our name on it give you any ideas? Why did you even pull into our parking lot, and by the way, how are you able to operate a motor vehicle? If this is an example of what the DMV issues licenses to we are all fucking doomed. Doomed I say! 2012 is apparently a euphemism for now.

I couldn’t help myself so I replied:

  • Dog grooming is down the street.
  • We don’t sell body odor.
  • If we converted your brain to gasoline it wouldn’t be enough to power a miniature motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio.
  • Yeah, I hate dentists, too.

The worst part was, of course, that I had to stop dealing with my previous obliviot customer to help this guy. I had been right in the middle of processing ecommerce orders from our web site where customers do genius things like place multiple orders to the same shipping address.

Yes, sometimes customers want to buy more than one thing, so they do something like this:

  • Add first item to shopping cart
  • Click checkout
  • Enter billing, shipping, and payment information
  • Confirm shipping charge
  • Click submit order
  • Add second item to shopping cart
  • Click checkout
  • Enter billing, shipping, and payment information
  • Confirm shipping charge
  • Click submit order
  • Send angry email demanding to know why they were charged for shipping twice!

If you love shit, drop me a note sometime. Daily tours of the shithole I call “work” are available. Come see for yourself what the inside of an asshole looks like and personally shake my hand. (Don’t forget your disinfecting anti-bacterial wipes.)

9 responses

  1. The rage sir, the RAGE!!!

    “We’re doomed. 2012 is a euphemism for now” Spectacular.

    Like

    1. Aw, thanks! 🙂 Idiotic customers is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Add in volcanoes and earthquakes and now I’m really scared! 🙂

      Like

  2. Loved it!

    The thing that I’m most happy about in regard to my career switch is that I don’t have to deal with customers anymore. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to walk outside unaccompanied I tell you.

    Like

    1. I have always maintained that the perfect business is one with no customers. It is my holy grail. 🙂

      Like

  3. Holy hell! I need to let my husband read this! He’s a manager in an auto parts store (national chain) located in the ‘hood. He comes home every day with stories about his crack-head (for reals) customers. My favorite is when one (it’s happened multiple times!) comes in and asks for a “cadillac convertible”. My husband replies, “we don’t sell whole cars here.” They say, “no, a cadillac convertible.” He knows what it is they really need, but he plays dumb and makes them repeat it several times hoping they might accidentally call it by the right name. What is it that they need? A catalitic converter. Yeah.
    You are not alone, man.

    Like

    1. LOL! I feel for your husband with all of my heart. That story pretty much beats anything I’ve ever seen! 🙂

      Like

  4. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    I was in the mood for something that captured that old time “yard sale” feeling and stumbled across this. Please enjoy this blast from the assed.

    Like

  5. Ah,the double shipping charge complaint. I also count among my favorites of “why I have to charge them shipping in the first place” and “Why does it costs so much?” Like, I really want to work for free and my time, boxes, and product are free as well. Oh, I forgot about when I have to charge them a Reorder Fee because they didn’t order on time. Oh, because you forgot to order on time, I should pay for your laziness? Silly me! I should just give you the product and the money out of my wallet too! Do you want the food from my kids’ mouths too while we are at it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Better late than never, right? So this one time I bought an item from Pampered Chef. Like always I did so to take pity on a friend who was shilling the shit. I was charged $12 for shipping. Twelve dollars!!! When the package arrived, I punched in the zip codes, weight and method used and found the actual cost was only $5. That’s more than 100% markup on shipping. Ah, the world famous retailer double-dip.

      I wrote a letter to Pampered Chef and they sent me a crap non-responsive reply.

      I’ve never bought another Pampered Chef product. Besides, the damn thing broke. “Better quality” my ass.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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