America’s Next Great Person Who Sucks Least

I did experiments like these and many more

There’s a small chance I was a weird kid.

I think I played different.

I’ll talk about one of those differences today.

Like a lot of kids, I had toy cars that ran on little pieces of plastic track. I did the usual stuff with these toys like conducts races, torment the cat, and bounce them off my sister’s head.

But I also did some weird stuff with them, too. One things I did was conduct experiments.

Actually, I think I was a bit before my time. Long before I’d ever heard of reality TV or “bracketology” I was simulating both, even as a wee tyke.

What I would do is take my assorted cars and devise experiments for them. In my own version of bracketology each car would randomly challenge another car for the right to move on in the competition. I’d put the cars through all sorts of tests. There were jumping tests, distance tests, stability going down a bumpy surface, etc.

I’d go through as many rounds as it took to determine the “winner.” Then I’d log my findings in my little notebook. My objective? To determine which car was the “best.”

Sometimes I’d mix things up, though. Instead of bracketology, I’d run the contest in rounds where only the worst performer was eliminated. After a series of these rounds only one competitor would remain and be declared the “winner.” And I kept logs of those findings, too.

Logs of my results! Sick, huh?

It’s been far too long to remember which method produced the best results and how the methodology effected the results, if it did at all. But I distinctly remember doing both. And the logs themselves haven’t survived. Sadly, that bit of scientific knowledge has been lost forever. The world won’t be able to benefit from my experiments.

But I can’t help but wonder. Does the modern reality TV show methodology of “who sucks the most this round” eventually get around to producing a contestant who is the “best?” Or is it just a fancy way of randomizing things?

One thing is certain: The producers of this form of entertainment could care less as long as you watch.

Like Alton Brown says, “Even great cooks can have bad days.” And one bad day could easily eliminate the “best” contestant, especially when the conditions of the test are extremely rigged based on some totally random and extreme criteria. “And the secret ingredient … is … TOBACCO!” Unfortunately this severely hamstrings every chef except the one from North Carolina.

Does Tyra’s show really produce America’s next “top model?” Is the last chef left standing really the “top” one? Is the last person on the island really the best “survivor?” And why are we so compelled to watch?

Am I wrong or do these shows seldom produce the “best?” Or, in a case like Survivor, who was the best player that “deserved” to win but was still voted out?

Whatever. The decision of this blog is final. The person who sucks most will leave this blog immediately. The blog has spoken.

6 responses

  1. I used to race marbles down the strings of my guitar before I ever learnt to play the damn thing. Two marbles set off at the same time with the guitar at a slight angle. Whizz, whee, and then a satisfying clunk, clunk as they reached the headstock. I didn;t keep records but now wish I had.


    1. Dammit. That would have been useful data.


  2. That makes sense about it randomizing. I don’t care for these types of shows but I have seen some of ANTM, AI and got heavily involved in the last 4 episodes of “some season” of Top Chef. It was on a marathon and I was enthralled! So much so, that I tuned in on the new season and rapidly rediscovered that I hate reality TV. I’m not sure what was “wrong” with me that day that I liked it so much…maybe the fact it all happened in half a day?

    Anyhoo, I can see your point. It rather doesn’t make sense for them to do that, does it?


  3. I have to admit I fell into the reality show trap for a while.

    I’m feeling much better now – I’m in the sar-chasm instead.

    The next great person that sucks the least – WELL SAID, SIR, WELL SAID! 😀


  4. I just cant bring myself to watch most reality shows. For some reason I can if they involve cooking.

    I totally watch a hot wheels elimination show.


  5. You? A weird kid? You better have been (’cause weird is awesome). I bet we would have played very well together. (See my “switching the dolls head” reference in my post today.)

    I have to admit. I used to think reality shows were the worst. And now I’m hooked. On many of them. (But I’ll never tell which ones 😉 )


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