I of Newt

Are you buying what I’m selling?

With a name like Newt it has to be good!

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Newt Gingrich, 67, will be forming a committee on Thursday that will allow him to raise money for a potential candidacy for President of the United States in 2012.

Lest we forget, who is Newt Gingrich?

As is often the case, I believe the answer lies in the values of the man. And what are those?

An appearance by Gingrich at the University of Pennsylvania provides important clues courtesy of a Q&A session with an Ivy League student.

The exchange went down a little something like this:

STUDENT: “You adamantly oppose gay rights . . . but you’ve also been married three times and admitted to having an affair with your current wife while you were still married to your second. As a successful politician who’s considering running for president, who would set the bar for moral conduct and be the voice of the American people, how do you reconcile this hypocritical interpretation of the religious values that you so vigorously defend?”

GINGRICH: “I’ll bet almost everyone here can gather the thrust of your question. I appreciate the delicacy and generosity in the way it was framed. . . I hope you feel better about yourself. I’ve had a life, which, on occasion, has had problems. I believe in a forgiving God, and the American people will have to decide whether that [is] their primary concern.”

Source: PoliticsDaily.com

Check out that telling response. Savor the humility. Immerse yourself in the inspiring sense of contrition. Marvel at the snarkcasm. Breathe in the snippishness. Bask in the glow of raw anger.

Yes, this is truly a repentant man ready to poise his finger on the Holy Button of Armageddon.

It must be true. Forgiveness isn’t something you ask for, its something you face with a snarl when you’re out trying to get what you want in the here and now. Forgiveness can wait for the hereafter.

Right on, Newt. The hell with the doubters! They are nothing more than little gnats buzzing around your head. Shoo fly, shoo!

I have a follow-up question, if I may.

GURU:
Why is it so damn hard (no pun intended) to keep Mr. Winky in the pants?

Seriously. I’d like to know. What is so hard about remaining faithful to the woman you love and honoring the woman and your vows? Feel free to frame your response in a presidential manner. It’s never to early to play the part.

Okay, okay! One more follow-up follow-up question.

GURU:
What’s the point in embarking on a journey you’ll never be able to make?

I’ll be watching your campaign with interest. Be careful not too fly too close to the sun!

Newt Gingrich and The Friendly Angel from Star Trek – Separated at birth?

9 responses

  1. Hahahahahahaha! Newt! I look forward to his stupid campaign! Bring it on I say! I hope Palin runs too! It’ll be at least fun!

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    1. Ooops. I just added a new image for a bit of extra flavor. Come back and look up. I hope you like.

      Thanks for the comment! 🙂

      Like

  2. Now that was funny! And that Newt FUUUUNNY! 🙂

    “I’ll bet almost everyone here can gather the thrust of your question”

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    1. Hey, thanks. I totally missed an opportunity on the word “thrust,” didn’t I? Damn it! I’ve lost my edge!

      🙂

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  3. Pa calls gnats “pecker flies.” Thought you’d want to know that since you mentioned they fly around Mr. Gingrich’s head.

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    1. Good to know! Still seems appropriate. 🙂

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  4. I think that Newt’s affairs stem largely from his obvious good looks and his innate attractiveness to the opposite sex. Women are probably lining up to have his children. I would’t be surprised if you could order his sperm online from some warehouse. God obviously has something special in mind for Newt. Why, on the day he was born with that cowl over his face, the sky split wide open and gave everyone shafts of sunlight. Ever since that day, Newt’s continued the tradition of giving everyone the shaft. But Newt isn’t stingy about that. Now you can get shafted by Newt too. All you need to do is contribute to his campaign, so go ahead middle class America, donate your hard earned ever decreasing in value dollars to the man who will reduce taxes on the wealthy, reduce funding to education, and make sure the quality of your healthcare is completely dependent on your personal income.

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    1. Of course you are correct. I was going to mention it but I foolishly assumed it was patently obvious. 🙂

      You took it even farther, though, and for that I salute you!

      The sperm can be found online at NewtBabyDaddy.com.

      Like

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