A letter to the boss

Working with idiotsDear Boss,

I’m smarter than you.

Oh, please. Don’t look so amazed. It’s not really that surprising, is it?

Eh? What’s that? You make more money than me? That’s the best argument you’ve got? Sure you do. I’m painfully aware of that. You rub it in my face all the time. Think I’d forget?

One thing I’ve learned during my time on this planet, though, is that one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. Money does not equate to intelligence. For the record, it doesn’t equate to worthiness, either, nor is it a reliable method of determining who gets access to healthcare. But I digress.

I’ve learned that there are other qualities vastly more important than intelligence when it comes to making money. Things like greed, ambition, flexible ethics, questionable morals, and more. You know, the qualities that you possess in abundance.

Maybe an example of something that actually happened will help get through to you.

idiot Dodecahedron

Like a Boss!

Remember the time you jammed the punch machine? For an entire year you used it to punch holes in plastic. Did you ever empty it, even a single time? Nope. Those little pieces of punched plastic had to go somewhere, right? Surely even you can see that. Where do you think they went? Think, dammit!

Finally the thing stopped working and you were utterly befuddled. So you brought it to us employees to fix, stressing the importance and that it needed to be done quickly. As usual, your failure to plan became our “emergency,” a term you frequently bandy about rather wantonly in my humble opinion.

Remember what I’m talking about? I think your words when you handed it over were, “No worky.”

At first we were perplexed by the problem, too. It just didn’t make any sense. There was seemingly no reasonable explanation. Finally, out of desperation, we forced the machine open, damaging the mechanism in the process. You remember that, don’t you? You stood there making comments about how the expense would be deducted from our paychecks.

Morale

The boss planning his next move. Note the copy of my book, How To Destroy Your Employees, on his shelf.

Once we had the thing taken apart, it all suddenly became crystal clear. You had jammed it so good it physically couldn’t punch any more. The only delay in our troubleshooting was that we underestimated how stupid you could be. That’s not a mistake we’re likely to repeat.

Yeah, I get the irony. It’s fucking rich. No, not that kind of rich, you friggin’ singleminded simpleton. Sometimes those with more intelligence end up working for those with less. Even though that seems illogical and topsy turvy.

I’m sorry if this letter hurts your feelings. Don’t worry about it, though. Soon it will get better. You’ll remember there is a thing called “money” and your thoughts will return to “how do I get more of it?” And then this will be all forgotten. You’ll remember that there are rules to be broken, lies to be told and customers to screw over. Then you’ll be back to being yourself.

It will be a happy time.

9 responses

  1. OMG. This would be funny if it wasn’t so painfully real. My former boss was a total dick like that. In the end I just left what was a good job (I regret that part) but I couldn’t stand him a minute longer. I don’t understand why people have to behave like that. Totally perplexes me.

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    1. Trust me on this. It is funny. 🙂

      What I want is comments from y’all with YOUR stupid boss stories. That would give me tingles.

      My new boss likes everything as complicated as possible. He never does what is simple. For example: He sets up multiple bank accounts, and each account has a specific purpose. One account may exist only to pay a specific supplier. It’s a very convoluted thing he’s created. And he does it all to save a few bucks on fees or something.

      So guess what happens? The other day he authorizes a payment to a supplier in the amount of $27,000 but forgets to transfer money to the special account. Bingo bango! That’s one hell of a bounce! He then, of course, puts the mistake on the employee, saying, “Next time we make a payment remind me to do the transfer.”

      Hahahahahaha!

      Yeah, right.

      Like

  2. […] on the image to get a readable version, then click here to read Tom’s version of work hell. Tell him you like it…he’s under a lot of […]

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  3. I say “no worky” but I don’t own a business or have employees…

    Back in the good old days, that I thought were bad? I had an assistant. Cracks me up to think of that.

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    1. Are you saying your perception of what was “bad” had changed over time?

      I’ve thought about my jobs in the past, seriously pondering if any of them could ever have been acceptable. For example, knowing what I’ve learned since then, would I take any of them back? Is there any regret?

      Every job had something seriously wrong with. But if we define “job” as something hopefully less than PURE torment that you do in order to survive, perhaps there’s one I should have held on to?

      I can honestly say there are no regrets, including my current gig. They all, with remarkable singularity, demanded way more than they were entitled to in exchange for giving me money. And the ones I’ve had since moving to a small town in 2001 provide very little of that, so they are double whammies.

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  4. My boss is as greedy as they come. If I hear the term “drive sales” one more time I am going to go crazy. I am new to the workforce, but I learned quickly that you only need one thing… patience. Patience to deal with all the idiots. Patience to put up with the rules. Patience waiting for your paycheck. I’ll let you in on something, patience has never been a strength of mine 😦 I created my blog so that when I got home from work I would have a place to go where I could do and say whatever I wanted. But now I have to worry about if any idiot from work sees it. I am banking on the hope that my idiots are so idiotic they don’t know what a blog is. Here’s to hoping!

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    1. Hey you and welcome to the Abyss. What an entrance! 🙂

      I learned that in order to speak freely on the internet, one must be painfully anonymous. You think Tom B. Taker is my real name? Think again! (And look at that name closely. I like hiding little jokes in plain sight.)

      Trust me, being anonymous is a tough row to hoe. It takes a lot of effort and vigilance. And there is a surprising downside. For example, you can mention your blog to family, friends and coworkers since you are likely to say something that will offend and/or get you fired. Even if you want to include some in the inner circle, that’s not really fair, since you are putting the burden of anonymity on their shoulders, too. The only reasonable thing to do is go hardcore and tell no one in your real life. This is way harder than you’d ever imagine.

      For some, two blogs might be in order. A “professional” one where you can use your real name and say things that you shouldn’t ever reasonably expect to come back and bite you. This blog lives by the principle, “Never say anything you wouldn’t want everyone to know.”

      The anonymous blog is reserved for true thoughts not encapsulated in a veneer of fake civility. I don’t necessarily do it to be mean about people behind their backs. It’s more about sharing my real feelings. I’d actually feel bad if anyone, even my boss, found out how I really felt. I don’t wish to hurt people. So I do everything I can to do things in a non-specific way. I try not to provide too many clues. This is also hard work.

      On the plus side, it is rather liberating to share almost any thought you want without having to worry about it getting you fired.

      A former coworker of mine did something stupid. She friended her boss (my former boss) on Facebook. One day she wrote that she was pregnant. The next day, the boss approached her at work and asked if she was pregnant. She said no. He fired her for lying. Thanks a lot, social media!

      Personally I think the guy is a flaming asshole and asking her that question must be illegal. If not, it should be!

      It turns out he’s a super-powered Jesus freak and she was considering an abortion and she didn’t really want him to know she was pregnant for fear he would judge her. Right or wrong, she had her reasons, and they were none of his business. (He was worried about how her pregnancy would affect his precious employee scheduling.) So she lied to him after being put on the spot by a question like that. And she was a dumbass for putting it on Facebook where he could see it, too. Yes, she made some mistakes but she didn’t deserve to be fired for it.

      He’s a flaming asshole.

      Whew. What a windbag I can be! 🙂 Welcome to the Abyss. I hope you protect yourself so your blog won’t get your ass fired. Or you may find that your real life “education” is merely beginning.

      Like

    2. In your honor, I’ll be thinking about “driving sales” all day on this horrific Monday.

      Like

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