I tweeted 24 times on Thursday, August 25, 2011. In those tweets I deftly weaved a grand tapestry that captured the limitless spectrum of human intensity. I did it all. I was sweet. I was tender. I was grosser than a fart joke. I was funny. I was witty. I was ironic. I was sarcastic. In short, I was a Twitter version of the Renaissance Man.
Along the way I personally went on a Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride of human emotion and, I think, the arc of my tweets reflected this.
The day started like most any other: Literally making myself physically ill at the mere thought of going to work. (I have to face the possibility that I may not have the best attitude about my job.)
But then, something weird happened. My morning was acceptable, I was left alone enough, and somehow I got in a pretty good mood.
I decided to celebrate by asking my wife to lunch. That turned out to be a great idea. I didn’t even talk about my job at all. She was smiling and laughing and it was truly enchanting to be in her company. I was charming and funny, too. Talking about it later we agreed it turned out to be just like a date.
After lunch, going back to work, the inevitable happened. My boss and The Cow Orker conspired together to stomp the shit out of me as a person, but it was mostly my boss. My mood turned foul, my body rebelled and dark thoughts crept into my consciousness.
It is not surprising that my tweets of Thursday reflected the topsy-turvy nature of my day. And I was on top of my game. Every single tweet was sublime goodness. It makes the selection of only a single tweet very difficult.
In the end, though, I had to go with my gut. My selection of the Tweet of the Day is based on that which said the most and told the grandest story. I hope you agree that narrative I’ve selected adds much to the conversation in the Twit-o-Sphere.
The Tweet of the Day – Thursday, August 25, 2011
After going out of his way to shit on me as a person, my mood was most foul, and the boss decided it was time to lament the honesty of his son. It seems this last weekend the son had constructed an elaborate ruse about going camping. The ruse involved several of his friends and the deception of a large number of adults. It was inevitable that the deception would fail.
And so the boss sat in the office telling the story and explaining how he just couldn’t possibly begin to fathom what had gone wrong. Why, he lamented, did his son tell lies? Why did he think he could do anything he wanted and then lie about it later? Why oh why oh why? Why is this such a great mystery? How could anyone be like this? I just can’t begin to understand dishonesty, he moaned.
Meanwhile I sat there, angry as hell, hating the puss bastard, biting my tongue, and wondering if my head would literally asplode into millions of gloriously bloody pieces. Can you even begin to imagine how legendary that would be? “Here lies Tom B. Taker who literally asploded his head off.” Is it so wrong to want a legacy for future generations to enjoy?
So there I sat swallowing my own froth. Are you fucking kidding me? How? Why? Hey asshole, do you remember the time you taught the kid to photoshop a fake business license rather than plopping down a few motherfucking tenspots? Do you remember teaching that $30 is way more important and valuable than integrity? Does any of that ring any bells? Do you think – is it even remotely conceivable – that proactively teaching your kid to be dishonest could somehow be involved?
Most asshole parents I’ve ever seen practice a peculiar version of “do what I say – not what I do.” But oh no, not you! That’s not how you roll. You’re the one that goes way out of his way to teach them the bad shit directly. You do something evil and say, “This is the way it should be. This is proper behavior.” Then you have the unmitigated gall to act surprised?
Hypocrisy always pisses me off, but the sheer intensity of what I was seeing curdled my blood. Was it really possible for humans to fool themselves to such a degree? I had no idea. Here sits a person who considers himself so “good” that he looks down in disdain and judgement at most other people. He calls himself a “Christian” and believes that one day, given enough of eternity, he will be a “god” to a planet of his own. If that isn’t a thought that makes you question the nature of existence then I don’t know what will.
Rather that say anything which would have invariably cost me my job, I turned to the Twitter. And that’s how this Tweet of the Day was born.