CSI: Mississippi

raining lightThe rain fell steadily and the city was almost completely dark. The only visible light came from the street lamp on the corner which only partially clawed out a cone of light that was consumed by the night before it reached the ground.

A nondescript sedan appeared and claimed a parking space. Two men climbed out, adjusted their coats and turned their collars up, then strode purposefully towards a house at the corner. As they neared the corner they became more visible in the dim light. They were dressed alike in police uniforms, sidearms and yellow rain slickers with the word “POLICE” written across the back.

They passed through the gate leading up the walk through a muddied front yard and up the steps to a plain door.

One of the men knocked, the kind of knock that was the internationally-known calling card of the police.

From inside the small building came the sounds of shuffling which couldn’t be heard above the downpour. A few moments later the door was cracked open and a woman’s face warily peered out. “Yes?”

“Police, ma’am,” said the man who had knocked. “I’m officer Moody of the Mississippi City Police. This is officer Harris. May we come in?”

The woman stood back to allow the men to enter. The men shuffled their feet on the mat and shook the water from their slickers and stepped inside. She closed the door. She did not offer to take their jackets. “What’s this all about?” she asked.

“Routine, ma’am,” said Moody. “Are you Anne Bridges?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“We’re here about little Brandon,” said Harris. It was the first time he had spoken.

“Oh. I see.”

“Brandon James Bridges,” Harris added, rather unnecessarily. “A person created two weeks ago last Wednesday night. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Anne nodded. “That sounds about right.”

“It was on or about that date that a sperm penetrated the zona pellucida of a viable ovum within your person?”

“Yes,” she replied. “As far as I know. That’s when little Brandon came into my life.”

“I need to ask, ma’am. Where is Brandon now?”

Anne hesitated. “I … I don’t know. I need a drink of water. Would either of you like anything?”

“No, ma’am. Thank you.”

Anne disappeared into the kitchen for a moment, then returned and sat in a comfy chair angled towards a sofa. “I’m sorry,” she said. “This is all so sudden.”

“I understand, ma’am,” said Harris. “Really this is all routine. We appreciate your cooperation.”

She nodded.

“So,” continued Harris. “On or about three days ago Brandon should have taken up residence in your uterine wall, isn’t that right?”

Anne suddenly burst into tears. “Yes, that’s right,” she sniffed. “I don’t know where he could have gone.”

The officers both nodded in an understanding manner. Moody put his hand on her shoulder to comfort her as Harris pulled out a pad.

“You’re going to have to file a missing person’s report,” he said. “What color were Brandon’s eyes going to be?”

Epilogue

Back in 2011 when well-meaning citizens of the former State of Mississippi passed the personhood amendment (later commonly referred to as The Amendment), little did they know the full consequences of their actions.

The law defined a fertilized human ovum as a “person.” Thus, an unforeseen burden was born (heh) that crushed a state already reeling from economic woes with exponential administrative obligations. As we all know, the weight of these burdens quickly collapsed the great State of Mississippi, which was forced to declare bankruptcy within a year and was eventually broken into pieces and absorbed into the surrounding states of Louisiana, Arkansas and Tennessee. (Even Alabama didn’t want any.)

Since every fertilized egg was now a “person” each and every one demanded a “certificate of live being” and issuance of a social security number. And every person that failed to progress from the germinal stage of pregnancy to the embryonic stage was now legally considered a “missing.” The law required missing persons reports on them all. And the issuance of death certificates. The state bureaucracy was quite literally buried alive.

Luckily all of Mississippi’s laws were tossed out when the state ceased to exist and the good people of the United States never made that exact same mistake again. And the United States flag with 50 stars still flies proudly to this day. Thanks for the assist, Puerto Rico!

13 responses

  1. Brilliant!

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    1. Woot! Rare praise from the Mrs. πŸ™‚ Of course, she wrote the headline so she’s biased.

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  2. Yes, brilliant! On so many levels too! Creatively for sure — but politically, socially…. this is quiet awesome. And friggin funny! …and yet, so very pathetic (on Mississippi’s part). Idiots!

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    1. Aw, thanks. I was feeling pretty proud of myself on this one. Not every fertilized egg makes it to the big show – Fetushood – and for a variety of reasons, and I surmised, “Well, if they are really persons, what then?”

      They’re going to need some sort of certificate that proves they exist, right? After all, they are a person.

      Of course that means they’ll have to be named, right? What kind of parent would refuse to name their child who was a person?

      Natrually that means they’ll need to be issued a social security number, too. That is a right of ever person created in the United States.

      It’s going to double the birthday party industry, too. Now we’ll have to celebrate Creationdays and Birthdays. That’s two times the gifts!

      Sadly, not every fertilized egg person will live to see their first birthday. That means there is going to have to be a LOT of missing person investigations and, when appropriate, the issuance of death certificates. All persons MUST be accounted for.

      In the event of mysterious circumstances our laws DEMAND that there will be a police investigation. That’s also a right enjoyed by every person.

      Mississippi sure feels ambitious if they take this on. (The vote hasn’t taken place yet and I can find no polling data that indicates how things might go.)

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      1. I thought they had voted on it — but I think you’re right. Shocking regardless — that we’re even considering it!!!

        To me, it’s so silly on so many levels. And honestly, why this, and why now? What happened to all the concern over “JOBS” everyone was supposed to be focusing on. It’s all so stupid, and nonsensical! Angers me —

        But thank you for making me laugh!

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      2. The vote is tomorrow, November 8th, and it is expected to pass. Of course, the fight will continue long after the vote, perhaps all the way to the Supreme Court.

        Like you said, I know this feels like distraction when our government could be concentrating on things like jobs. This is really just a skirmish in the never-ending culture war.

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  3. CSI. Conspiracy Surrounding Inception. A brilliant headline indeed. πŸ˜‰

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    1. The Mrs. will be pleased with this comment! I always wondered what CSI stood for!

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  4. Today’s the big day. The good people of Mississippi are expected to make “personhood” a law.

    Personally I have nothing against that as long as they implement the death penalty for sexual intercourse.

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    1. Wow, I swore I just heard a rimshot…

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      1. I’ll leave the particular method of execution up to the good people of Mississippi.

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  5. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    Little Brandon is still missing. Where could he be? Check the nearest milk carton for his last known description. By now he’d be expected to have eyes, ears, a nose and a mouth. I was also the primary artist for this post. Fortunately, as we all know, 55 percent of Mississippi rejected the “personhood” initiative and America stands 50-states strong to this day.

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  6. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    Would I miss Mississippi? I doubt it.

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