Tell Tiny Tim I won’t be coming home this Christmas

Ski Mask

This is the new me. If you see me walking down the street please stop me and say hi! Photo credit: Tyler Rigby.

This is a post about government logic.

Say it with me, won’t you? Government logic.

I know, I know! That’s an oxymoron. A contradiction in terms. FUBAR. SNAFU. Catch-22. Topsy turvy. The inside-out enchilada. The 2-1/2 double-reverse antithesis with a twist. In essence, it’s shit that doesn’t make sense – can’t make sense – and the understatement of, oh, I don’t know – the last 42.42 trillion years. And I never exaggerate.

Humor me for a moment, won’t you?

So get this. An attorney representing the United States of America stood before the Supreme Court and argued that since the operators of motor vehicles have no expectation of privacy while on publicly-owned roads that, therefore, the federal government should be allowed to plant GPS devices on cars without a search warrant signed by a judge.

Ever want to know what the federal government really wants? Well, there ya go. There it sits! This is the kind of shit that the government thinks is a good idea. So good, in fact, that they are willing to spend resources, time and your tax dollars working on shit like this.

Would it be a great crime-fighting tool? Perhaps. Stop terrorism dead in its tracks? Erm. Probably not. You know, it’s one of those slippery slopes that generally goes like this: If you outlaw cars without GPS then only outlaws will have no GPS.

Or something like that.

Fortunately the Supreme Court is widely expected to reject the government’s logic. That is unless the court is stocked with a bunch of nutballs. Eh? Oh shit!

Puerto Rican in a Ski Mask

Look into my ski mask eyes…

“Expectation of privacy.” What is that? I would argue that we have none in this modern society, whether we are driving a car or not. Therefore, by extending the government’s logic, what else could they do? Well, for one thing, perhaps they could anally probe and implant me with a GPS device, eh? If we fall for their line of bull then the sky’s the limit! With nearly one million Americans with “top secret” clearance or better, that’s a lot of folks who will have access to data like I had corn for dinner last night.

So planting a GPS tracker on a car is a pretty aggressive posture to take, especially without the courtesy of the “probable cause” restriction against search as guaranteed in the Constitution. But then, the wheels in my head started turning and I had a scary thought. “What if they get rejected, go back to the drawing board, and come back with something more passive? One that might pass the sniff test of the Supreme Court.”

At first I envisioned a bunch of G-men in trench coats with binoculars, clipboards and those funny little radios in their ears standing on street corners and reporting everything they see. But then I remembered Facebook.

You remember Facebook, don’t you? I know I do. It seems these are the same inglorious bastards who zuckered us all when they publicly rolled out some sort of “facial recognition” feature after working on it in secret for months. Sneaky.

What if the government got its hands on technology like that? Sure, they’re not as big as Facebook, but it could still happen!

I quickly imagined an Orwellian nightmare. What if they installed cameras on every single intersection and street corner in every town in America? That sounds farfetched but I bet we’re not that far away from that technology being doable. What then?

Ski mask girls

This is a good representation of what my crew will look like. Let’s roll!

Every American front door on every American home would have a digital end user license agreement (EULA) that would say something like, “By stepping through this door and going out in the world, you acknowledge that you have no expectation of privacy, and that you implicitly consent to the digital capture of your image, likeness, and the collection of DNA bits that might float off your body. By going outside you consent to these terms and conditions. You have the right to refuse which you can exercise by staying in your house. Have a nice day.”

Hahaha! I’m one step ahead of you. I’ll be wearing a ski mask, motherfuckers! Eat that!

Sure, it might cause some problematic itchiness on my scabs (it does go over my face after all) and I can foresee some minor difficulties with banking and such, but hell, they already charge me fees just to talk to a teller so I think I can live without my bank.

I figure, yeah, if our young punky children can walk around and be posers with stocking caps on their heads 24/7 even on the hottest summer days, then I figure wearing my ski mask coated with UV reflective spray and lined with tin foil every moment of my life should be a piece of cake. I can even sew ear buds right into the mask so I’m listening to trendy tunes and protecting my identity at the same time. That’s multitasking, baby.

For added protection I’ll make it resistant to pepper spray. That will come in handy during those special police encounters when I can be arrested for not following “lawful orders” even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Ah! More government logic! Bonus.

Ultra-Reflective Ray Ban Lenses can go over the eye sockets, too, so the soulless bastards can’t look into my soul. God, this is getting me excited!

So long suckers! Here lies Tom B. Taker who died on purpose to protect his identity. Long live Ski Mask Guy!

3 responses

  1. OMG! You’ve really got me thinking. What will be next? Telling people who they can and cannot marry? Telling women what they can and cannot do with their bodies? Stipulate pizza is a vegetable?

    You say they already do? Then I guess we’re up shit creek…which I’ll be on without my GPS thank you very much. See you on the other side. You’ll be the one in the face mask…I’ll be the one in the sunglasses.


    1. The Adventures of Ski Mask and Sunglasses. Perhaps a new comic strip is born?

      I’ve said many times that the first thing we like to do when we form into societies is tell each other what we can and cannot do. And do fun-filled funky things like paint a scarlet letter “A” on the doors of people we don’t agree with, burn “witches” (and confiscate their properties) and stuff like that.

      Good times.


  2. I, for one, can’t wait to see the look on Tiny Tim’s face! Ho ho ho!!!


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