Abyss Christmas Buying Guide 2011 – Part Two

This is part two in an ongoing series offering you the most festive choices for special holiday gifts.

Nothing like the holidays to bring out my creative streak. I’ve invented a couple more board games to help make the season blight.

Barrelling Monkeys getting carried away...

What's in the barrel, boys?

I Fling Poo – The Board Game

What could be more fun than gathering the family on game night for a fun-filled feces fiesta? Embrace your anal-inner child in this timeless Freudian-inspired adventure.

The game is simple. First select your monkey token in your favorite color. (To keep things simple they are all different shades of brown.)

The exciting game board is a faithful replica of a rainforest canopy and made out of all recycled materials (if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) Take turns moving your monkey token and searching for food. In this game, gluttony is your friend.

Bananas are worth 3 digestion points.
Leaf fronds are worth 2 digestion points.
Tropical nuts are worth 1 digestion point.
Dine on the super-exclusive “Magic Enchilada” for an instant poop wherever  you might be.

But beware the mischievous “fiber plant” or you’ll lose all your points and have to travel to the colonic station and wait three turns before you can eat more food! Landing on the quicksand square is also bad, but only scares the shit of you (and loses all your digestion points).

When you reach 10 points visit the nearest business office (the only place where points can be redeemed) and cash in for a piece of poop. After that, strategy counts as you hunt down your victim. You have to be within five spaces to hit someone. Hand them your poop token as you shout, “I fling poop at thee, dad!” (If dad is your victim.)

Get hit with three poops and you’re out of the game. Just like in real life!

And added bonus of this game is that you can be vindictive by all ganging up on the same player. I Fling Poo is guaranteed years of fun for the whole family!

Shits and Bladders – The Board Game

This game really needs no explanation. The title really speaks for itself. Be the first to reach to reach square 100 while avoiding diaper rash, the “Black Hole,” and collecting Vaseline gum drops along the way.

Game includes a colorful board and four game cleverly designed “candy” tokens (Peppermint Patty, Baby Ruth, Gatorade and Milk Duds).

Rules are simple:

1. Everyone spins the spinner. Antibacterial wipes are included and booster packs are sold separately.

2. On your turn: Spin the spinner and move your candy. Once you’ve made a movement your turn is over.

3. Two or more players can be on the same space at the same time, but seriously, you do not want to do this.

4. Land on a sewer pipe and you’ll literally be in deep shit as you slide ass backwards.

5. Land on a bladder and squirt ahead!

6. Land on a “Stage Fright” square and lose a turn!

Conclusion

Choose your poison – either way – and you’re sure to have oodles of holiday fun! Roll the dice and move your lice! Merry Christmas!

This is the best game on the market to flush away the competition.

4 responses

  1. What if you have been playing a similar, but more literal version, of shits and bladders for years?! I mean not that I have, but I think I know someone. You might want to talk to me about copyright. 😉

    Like

    1. Disclosure: My wife actually thought of the game name for me. 🙂

      Second disclosure: I googled the phrase and it was always out there. Damn you, Google!

      Maybe you could grant us the board game rights, though? I’m prepared to negotiate!

      And I can’t wait to read your Kool-Aid post. I’ll be by soonest to check it out!

      Like

  2. Against my better judgement, I “liked” this post. Like you need the encouragement. 😉

    Like

    1. Thanks. That makes you the #1 candidate for game night. I think “I Fling Poo” would be a great game for a couples-only get-together. You bring the chips, I’ll bring the dip!

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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