Fucking grats. A rock has completed another circuit around its star. You know what that means, right? I’ll be up late tonight cuddling my kitties who are freaked out by another round of “let’s shoot our guns straight up in the air” brought to you by the inbred idiots I call my neighbors.
That’s just swell.
According to NBC Today/MSNBC the fun doesn’t stop there, though. On Jan. 1, 2012, 40,000 new laws brought to life by signed bills will go into effect. Luckily for you and me that total does not include a mess of new federal “rules,” too.
For once I thought I’d try to get into the spirit of this stupid fucking made-up holiday that for most Americans is yet another excuse to go out and get shitfaced. To celebrate, I’m going to try to think up some more laws that should also exist.
Sound like fun?
- Offense: Promoting a Justin Bieber concert, song or video. Punishment: 40 hours of watching Barney videos.
- Offense: Trafficking Mayan calendars. Punishment: 10 hours of serving as a human ottoman to Harold Camping.
- Offense: Restaurant claiming to have the “world’s greatest” food item. Punishment: Razing building and replacing it with a Wienerschnitzel. (Exception: If restaurant is already a Wienerschnitzel then new restaurant may be Starbucks, Cinnabon, or Popeye’s Chicken.)
- Offense: Being Next Gingrich. Punishment: Tattoo of scarlet letter “A” on forehead.
- Offense: Claiming there is a “war” on Christmas. Punishment: Forcible ingestion of non-lethal dose of mistletoe (in sufficient quantity to cause acute gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain, and diarrhea along with low pulse).
- Offense: Stealing yard signs of political opponents. Punishment: Lifetime ban on the right to vote and remedial “democracy” education.
- Offense: Tweeting location. Punishment: Required completion of centerpiece arrangement course offered by Martha Stewart and passing test demonstrating knowledge of all Ashton Kutcher tweets.
- Offense: Drinking beer before noon. Punishment: Forced attendance at more dangerous spectator area of NASCAR events for an entire season.
- Offense: Use of electronic internet device in restaurant. Punishment: Watching 96 hours of Pokemon and required completion of a “name them all” test.
- Offense: Marrying Kim Kardashian. Punishment: None. (This one must be decided by the Lord.)
- Offense: Email, tweet or other transmission of one’s genitalia without consent of recipient. Punishment: Ingestion of Brett Favre’s jock strap.
- Offense: Email, tweet or other transmission of one’s genitalia by an elected official. Punishment: One year service on Anthony Weiner’s staff.
- Offense: Giving a $4 million dollar gift to your spouse to buy acquiescence for affair and then cheating on them some more. Punishment: Not getting it back. And losing at least half of all remaining wealth in the divorce.
- Offense: Non-violent protest. Punishment: Pepper spray.
- Offense: Cheering the phrase “let him die.” Punishment: Lethal ingestion of 10 gallons of tea.
- Offense: Endorsing Donald Trump. Punishment: Forced hair replacement.
- Offense: Wearing white socks with black shoes. Punishment: Share prison cell with Charlie Sheen for 24 hours.
Hit comment and let me know what other societal-threatening offenses I missed. I’m sure we can come up with 40,000 more!
I’m now donning my helmet and going into a bulletproof chamber with my cats. If I survive the night I’ll see y’all tomorrow for the fake holiday.