Blogfather: I’ve Ordered A Hit

Bad news, ya big jamook. The Blogfather is going to hit your place of business. I saw what you did and it … irritated … me.

If only I can find a place to park. Dammit. That’s literally whack. The parking gods have granted you a reprieve.

The keyboard is mightier than the tommy gun, so I’m not going to use bullets. My weapon of choice is this bluetooth keyboard.

Eat it.

You had to douche out and I was there to see it. Why is it that I get to see so many acts of douchebauchery? Is it that I’m just that lucky? Or is such behavior omnipresent amongst humans? Yeah, I rather doubt the I’m lucky theory. That just doesn’t make sense.

Let’s say you’re in a restaurant enjoying your (vegetarian) veal parmigiana. As you watch, a long black Cadillac rams your car parked in front. This was no slight bumper tap. The vehicle lunged into yours and hard.

A man old enough to require carbon dating to guess his age gets out of the Cadillac and starts to shuffle/limp away.

You get out on the sidewalk and in his face. “What up, yo? You just hit my car while you were parking.”

“I did?”

Then he just shrugs and walks away again. He’s not long for this world and thus, he gives the most incalculable of shits. No one could care less than he does.

Yesterday an employee at a neighboring business told me, “Be careful parking around the white pickup.” Said pickup is driven by a new employee in our little strip mall of evil. “He hits parked cars and doesn’t leave notes,” she said. I thought it was quaint that she seemed to think this was somehow noteworthy. It’s just same-o same-o here on the big blue planet. In fact, shit like that is rather tame.

Our little cul-de-cac of businesses can be a fun place. The business owners where we work don’t allow us to park in the tiny parking spaces in the lot. Those are reserved for the building owner (who illegally blocks handicapped spaces) and customers. The employees have to park on the public street and schlep the rest of the way.

Meanwhile, the auto repair place, who has their parking lot, likes to park their repair jobs out on the street, too. They consider the city-owned parking spaces in front of their business to be their own private property. They even came into work and hassled the cow orker for parking there once.

We humans can get rather territorial about things that don’t even belong to us.

I’m often a few minutes late to work. I’m often late to get to the place I hate. When that happens, I find that “my” parking space on the street has often been taken. I admit I feel irritated. Doesn’t that idiot know he’s in “my” space? Everyone around here knows the way it works. We all have our normal spots. Unlike most people, though, I don’t ram the offender with my car or blow things up. I just roll with it and park somewhere else.

Not too long ago my wife and I were in a new thrift store down on main street. I noted with no small amount of interest that the new owners had put up signs that said “no parking” in half of their parking lot. I thought that was a rather curious move. And it left only a few spaces for their customers.

As I was shopping, bored shitless and my back going out, while waiting on my wife, I was doing what I usually do: Observing all the idiots around me. Like usual there was no shortage. I watched as a car parked along the curb on the street out in front of the business.

The driver then proceeded to head next door. He wasn’t going into the business he had just parked in front of.

The merchant made an exasperated sound then bolted out to confront the driver. I was like, WTF is this? Yep. Apparently the merchant believed the parking spaces were his. He got in that person’s face and gave them a ration of shit.

He walked back in to the shop, saying to his cohorts, “Can you believe that guy? Trying to park in front of our business?” Frankly I was stunned they’d be so open and talk like this in front of the customers, but that’s a frequent trait amongst assholes. They figure if they’ve got a big pucker they might as well flaunt it.

Yeah. How remarkable. A public citizen thinking he has the right to park on a publicly-owned city street. What the fuck was he thinking?

So yeah, asshole merchant, you’ve now got the attention of the Blogfather. Too bad I’m anonymous or I’d tell everyone who you are. For now you’ll remain under my “protection,” capiche?

4 responses

  1. They all need a good flogging. But then again, they would probably like that.

    Like

    1. Some people are so uptight that, well, insert something funny about assholes here.

      Like

  2. I think that merchant needs to sleep with the fishes. Who does he think he is? *giggle*

    Like

    1. Yes! Even better, sleep with the fishes in a mattress. Or something like that.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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