DIY: Britney Spears’ private phone number

What are the odds Britney and I would have the exact same outfit? Dammit! Image source: OMG! Why? Why? My eyes! (Wikipedia.)

What if I told you there was a way to obtain the private phone number for anyone you want? And what if it was completely legal? Now how much would you pay?

Imagine it. You could call anyone you wanted. Maybe even someone like Britney Spears.

[ringtone] … hit me baby one more time … [click]

Britney: Hello?

You: Hi, Britney. OMG, OMG, OMG!!! I can’t believe I’m really talking to you!!!

Britney (irritated): Who the hell is this?

You: It’s me.

Britney (speaking to someone else): Dammit. How the hell do they get this number? I was in the middle of lighting a cigarette, too. [click]

You: Britney? Britney? Are you there? Are you there? [pause] Britney, I love you! [pause] Oh, shit. [pause] Okay, it’s my move in Warhammer 40,000. Okay, okay. Let me finish up the paint job on this Tyranid Trygon first.

If you want conversations like that and so much more, make the jump for my secret, surefire technique. The probabilities are that you’ll love it.

The secret ingredient.

Still here? Sicko pervert!

So, what is a phone number. It is a series of 10 digits, each with a range of 10 possible values, 0 through 9. Welcome our friend, the pentagonal trapezohedron, or, as I like to call him, Mr. Ten-Sided Die.

The technique is fiendishly simple.

  1. Roll 10-sided die
  2. Write down number
  3. Repeat steps 1-2 a total of 10 times
  4. Call to test the number
  5. If identification positive: throw yourself a party to celebrate
  6. If identification negative: repeat process at step 1

This simple technique is guaranteed to produce results. It is not guaranteed, however, to work on the first try. A little effort on your part is required. But you’re not going to give up that easily, are you? In fact, every 10,000,000,000 attempts should produce, on average, one valid private telephone number for Britney Spears (or the person of your choice).

Your odds are actually a bit better than one success per 10 billion uses. That’s because you can disregard any rolls of 0 or 1 in the first position. This increases the odds to a whopping 1 in 8 billion. That’s a restriction of area codes that works to your benefit.

And, you’ll likely encounter other famous and/or desirable people before reaching your target. These bonus connections are included at absolutely no additional charge. The random element means it will be as much fun for you as it is for the person on the other end.

Imagine talking to a very surprised Alec Baldwin or even Mel Gibson himself? Now how much would you pay?

When they ask, “How did you get this number?” just tell them: “The guru sent me!”

22 responses

  1. I think my son left his Warhammer stuff around here. I’m going to give this a try. Will you be home tonight?

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    1. Sure but I’m certainly no one worth calling.

      And, my super power is: I don’t own a phone. Let’s see you get around that one. 🙂

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      1. Did you miss the part where I said “Warhammer”? I’ve got legions of evil fairies . . . or droid soldiers. . . or whatever . . . on my side. (Please don’t tell my son I had no idea what he was talking about all those years.)

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      2. No, I certainly did not! LOL!

        I actually know nothing of Warhammer 40K. Just enough to look it up on Wikipedia. I was drawing from my vast repository of gerbil lore as I imagined who might be listening to Britney Spears. Not counting me, of course.

        I gather it is some sort of geeky game played on immense tables where it is necessary to paint your own pieces. Most of that is which I hate.

        I’ll stick with dice.

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  2. LOL! That’s too simplistic an approach. No one will do it, even though it will TOTALLY work.

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    1. I find your negativity refreshing.

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  3. I can help your process by reducing the odds in much greater numbers… In the US, there are far fewer than 999 area codes, known in the phone industry as NPA. Within each NPA, the first three characters were once known as the Exchange number and related directly to specific towns or neighborhoods served by the local echange office. Within any NPA, there are far fewer than 999 of these exchanges, now known as NXX numbers in the industry. You can find a very small list of the actual combinations of NPA-NXX numbers by visiting a website run by a government agency called the North American Number Plan Administration at NANPA.com… Using that far smaller list of NPA-NXX, your ten-sided die need only work for the additional 9999 numbers available within each NPA-NXX… I’m not good at the math, so can you tell me what the odds are reduced to given these bits of info??? 🙂

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    1. Wow. See? You can be extremely useful. When properly motivated, of course. I’ll tell Britney you said hi. 🙂

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  4. Yeah, but how many people will I end up calling that I don’t really want to talk to?
    Like Britney Spears..

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  5. Ok, I’m going to try this, but it’s gonna suck if Paula Deen answers.

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    1. Your imagination is obviously sicker than mine. 🙂

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  6. I tried it and got Britney. We had a nice chat about you and now…she’s got your number. 😉

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    1. Finally! The worm has turned. Every dog has his day. Britney, call me!

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  7. Is this like chat roulette? For your next post, you should inform us how to get someone to answer the phone when he or she sees our number.

    Wow, Britney’s outfit is hideous, but half of the population probably doesn’t care!

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    1. Wikipedia only uses the most flattering photo!

      Chat Roulette? I go there whenever me ago needs a boost. In a downwards direction. I’m the King of Nexted.

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  8. Britney Spears Dance Better Then Tracey Walker
    347 860 4416
    Tracey Walker To Call Me My Cellphone
    Tracey Walker Use To Like Snake
    She Was Working Human First

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  9. johnnny j.r. capocci | Reply

    Theres only one thing that i wanna do and its to hold britney spears in my arms

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  10. Hi Britt I think you are sexy on u have a sexy ass body and I love that

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  11. To ShoutAbyss. You are full of CRAP! You dod not or do not get a persons number by rolling some dice. You must be whacked or have some loose wiring on your mind. Its a shame. Really. The only real way to get a persons number is either being their friend to the point they give you their number or if their numbet is listed not by rolling dice. Get a life dum dum

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    1. Seriously this site is crap you are crap and furthermore you live a crap life if you think that you can get britney spears number by rolling a pair of dice. Sure. She is talented but she is human with real feelings like all human beings but she has a right to have provacy with het everyday life like we all do and she really would not call the likes of a obsessed looney yoon like you. Not ever. She is always busy and has kids and ad a wife and mother myself it is a commitment. And having to attend to the childrens every want and needs you obviously are to obsessed with her to understand that just as we want alot of people to resoect our life and privacy you should resoect her too she too busy caring for her family to call the likes of a selfish obsesed crap for brains bast…. Like you. Cut the crap.

      Like

  12. I love your songs

    Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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