This Is The One Where I Save Your Life

Me vs. car? I like those odds!

After three years of daily posting I was recently honored by WordPress who featured my article about China on their Freshly Pressed page. As a result of that freak accident I picked up a few new friends as subscribers. Welcome! I’m a Fresh Maker.

For all my friends, both freshly new and old/busted, today I will reveal arcane knowledge that will, if heeded, save your life. I can single-handedly make you remain a viable member of the elite group known as “still alive.”

Interested? Read on! And unlike some people, after I’ve saved your life my demands on your servitude will barely be noticeable. You won’t even know I’m here.

Do you drive a car? If so, this first tip is for you. And it’s something I even do myself. I’m alive, ergo it works.

When you climb into your vehicle of choice, take a quick moment to sit quietly and clear your mind. Personally I like to close my eyes and visualize a grisly car accident.

Sure, everyone loves to complain about minutia like being set on fire after it has already happened. Boring! The true visionary will think about such things before they happen and thus, if they have intelligence, be properly motivated to avoid them.

That requires talent, skill and just a modicum of effort.

Are you with me so far? The visualization thing is sort of an advanced technique and might require a bit of practice to get right. For the rest of us, here’s a simpler tip:

Actively and proactively pay attention while you drive.

That’s it. Sounds so simple, right? That means no frying an egg in the passenger seat warmer. No fiddling with the radio. No using the menu system in your iPod Nano. No makeup. No clipping nails. No tweets. No texts. No bending down to pick up that beer you dropped.

Eyes front. Look at the road. Scan for relevant objects, like things that are directly in front of you or things that just might jump out in front of you. If you can do this, you’ll be in a class by yourself. You’ll finally be the elite. The one percent.

If you can pull this off no other driver on the road will remotely approach your skills.

What if you don’t drive? Well, you still gots some options. For example, try this one:

Don’t walk out in front of moving cars.

Easy, right?

As an individual with free will, you’ve always got your options. Sure, you can step in front of that car barreling down on you because you’ve got the right of way. They are supposed to stop. You can assume they see you. You can assume they’ll stop.

What could possibly go wrong? It happened to one of these assumers the other day and it was really no big deal. Just flung through the air about 20 feet, a few missing teeth (presumably from impact with ye olde pavement) and airlifted to the big city for complicated surgeries just to get out of critical condition. Piece of cake!

When weighed against the inconvenience of having to wait a few extra seconds to be cautious, clearly it’s worth the risk. Well worth it? Why wait when you can fly?

Follow both of these tips and I guarantee you’ll live longer. I mean, if that’s something you actually want.

2 responses

  1. Look at you! New and improved and fresher than ever.

    “_____, _____” The sound of one hand clapping. The other hand is reaching for the vodka. So I’m better prepared for what is to come.

    More foreplay perhaps? Like the Irish would say…brace yourself, Blogdramedy. 😉

    Like

    1. What can I say? I am a Fresh Maker.

      “One hand claps for thee,” he said as he snorted his Stolichnaya.

      Like

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