Yo, Jack! Handy Creep Thoughts by Tom Taker

Don’t you want to play with me? Hugs!

Tom’s Law #42
Never accept personal hygiene advice from someone who smells like the laundry hamper from the high school football team’s locker room.

Perhaps you’ve met the sort. The sort that acts superior like they are somehow better than you in every way. I guess you have to grudgingly admire an overactive imagination:

I’m smarter than you. Except everything I do ends up being the most idiotic shit you’ve ever seen.

I’m holier than you. I’m going to Heaven. And, either by inference or overt exclamation, that means you are going to Hell. I’m not shy about sharing my opinions on the subject of your eternal damnation. Except I make absolutely no effort of any kind to follow the belief system I claim is better than yours. In fact, by all appearances, I go way out of my way to deliberately break it.

I’m a better person than you. Except I treat everyone so like shit that even strangers who’ve only known me for five minutes say crappy things behind my back.

I’ve been everywhere and done everything. Except that when my statements are considered in full against each other it makes me seem like the biggest bullshitter of all time. Who would lie to make themselves seem better/cooler than they really are?

I truly have the mind of a child. Except that it’s super-duper creepy to see than in a fully-grown adult. Yoda might be impressed but the rest of us are just weirded out.

I smell so bad that people arrange their lives trying to avoid me. You’d think a bar of soap, a daily shower and a little deodorant would kill me. To me, those are akin to beer and salt to slugs.

I am great. I am good. I am a legend in my own mind.

2 responses

  1. Sounds like management material to me.

    Like

    1. Exactly. You know who I’m talkin’ about.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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