Monthly Archives: November, 2012

Bullshit

Image source: A Crafter At Sea.

Tip: Always aim for subtlety in the subject lines of your blog posts. Thoughtfully I have provided an example. Those subjects lines are like little windows to the soul. Of your blog posts.

“Bullshit.”

The driver’s side door on my car doesn’t open from the outside. You might think that sucks but to me it’s just one of the innumerable realities of my existence. So my routine is to enter the car from the passenger side, start the engine (a 50-50 proposition) and lean across and unlatch the door, pushing it out gently and hoping against all hope that it doesn’t click shut again, thus forcing me to go back and repeat the process, something I like to call “the Sprinkles on Top.”

Soon even this reality will be denied to me. The handle on the passenger door feels like it is about to fail in exactly the same way. After that I’ll have to get inside by crawling through an air duct or something.

Anyway, that’s how, every morning, I find myself getting into my car with the engine running and the radio already turned on. And, more often than not, it is usually tuned to the local public radio call-in talk format show on the station I was listening to the night before.

The other morning I slid into the spaceship (that’s what I call my car) and a word from the radio pierced my consciousness.

“Bullshit.”

Okay. You have my attention. I paused to listen. Did I really just hear that?
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Guess Who’s Not Coming To Dinner #boss

This is one of those times when I wrote a really, really long post, then decided to “edit” by throwing it all in the trash and starting over with an eye towards brevity. Sometimes my word processor overfloweth and I writeth the crap. And sometimes I just write crap.

It happened in the 20′ x 20′ dungeon known as “work.” The boss’ wife stopped by and since there’s no privacy and his desk is six feet away from mine, there was no way to avoid overhearing their lover’s prattle. I did consider killing myself, though. It might have been extreme but it would have gotten the job done.

“Is there any chance you can get off early tonight?” she asked him. “The family would like you to join us for dinner. Me. And the kids. All of us. The people in your life collectively known as Family.”

It was an extremely slow day. Absolutely nothing was going on. How on earth would he answer? What would be his reply?

As if there was ever any doubt.
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Strife of Lie

Life of Pi, Strife of Lie

Strife of Lie
by Tom B. Taker

Never tell ’em up front how the story ends. I had a good movie-going experience. Oops. What? Yes, it’s true. In fact, I’d say it was literally the best movie going experience I’ve had in years. We’re off to quite the positive start, eh? Or are we?

The devices were turned off.

No one sat too close.

The theater was sparsely populated.

But it wasn’t perfect.

The young man who knocked on the door had dropped the name of Cliff Face. He was about to get booted from my porch, too. But that name! It gave me pause. For the moment the stranger had captivated my attention. Curiosity always got the better of me.

“Come in.”
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Economy of Thought

Hi boys and girls. Hang on to your wallets and your valuables because I’m your friend and mine, The Economy!

When I get bigger everyone is happy. When I shrink everyone is sad. But what am I?

On so-called “Cyber Monday” yesterday internet purchases were up 27% from the year before. This is because consumers have higher confidence in me. Feels good! Yes, I need that sort of validation. I get off on you getting off on me.

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Hyppo and Critter: Castoreum

This is part two in a series of Hyppo and Critter comics entitled The Pumpkin Pie series. For part one, click here.

Castoreum

befoodsmart.com says: Castoreum is a specific type of natural flavoring. This extract is made from secretions and glands near the anus of both male and female beavers. It has a very strong odor and bitter taste. Found in a variety of foods including: alcoholic beverages, baked goods, frozen dairy, chewing gum, candy, beverages, meat products, pudding, gelatin, ice cream, vanilla flavoring, raspberry flavored food.

Wikipedia says:

Castoreum is the exudate from the castor sacs of the mature North American Beaver (Castor canadensis) and the European Beaver (Castor fiber). Within the zoological realm, castoreum is the yellowish secretion of the castor sac in combination with the beaver’s urine, used during scent marking of territory. Both male and female beavers possess a pair of castor sacs and a pair of anal glands located in two cavities under the skin between the pelvis and the base of the tail. The castor sacs are not true glands (endocrine or exocrine) on a cellular level, hence references to these structures as preputial glands or castor glands are misnomers.

Today, it is used as a tincture in some perfumes and as a food additive.

Food use

In the United States, castoreum as a food additive is considered by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to be generally recognized as safe, often referenced simply as a “natural flavoring” in products’ lists of ingredients. While it can be used in both foods and beverages as a vanilla, raspberry and strawberry flavoring, the annual industry consumption is around 300 pounds.

Thanks

This year I’m thankful that some brave soul was adventurous enough to make the flavorful discovery of beaver anal glands. Not everyone would have thought, “Let’s try that in my mouth!”

You can all be thankful that I waited until after Thanksgiving to share my lastest discovery in the world of all things poop. You’re welcome!

I Am The Law #42

From time to time I declare Martial Law (Logical Style). Not to be confused with Marital Law. (Where the laws of logic may not always apply.)

These laws are truths I hold to be self-evident. (Not Polident or Efferdent. These laws have no teeth.)

Note: Due to computer error some of the laws may have been numbered incorrectly.

For those with OCD: This is not a complete record of all of the legal volumes. There are many, many, many more. Sadly the laws were unwisely scattered across both WordPress and Twitter and the complete record may never be possible without a team of technological archeologists. If you see a fellow in leather jacket, fedora and wielding a whip in one hand and stroking a Microsoft Surface fondletop in the other please send him my way poste waste.

Without further ado the incomplete record of Tom’s Laws.

Tom’s Law #42: ‘Always taste your soft drink before leaving the drive-thru.’ Obey. It’s not just a good idea – it’s the law!
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Be Productive #photography

Ever heard of the website Clients From Hell? It’s hilarious. Here’s a recent example of the goodness you can find there:

Nov. 21, 2012

Recently, I had to make small talk with a client’s wife.

ME: I heard that employees that look at pictures of cute animals at work are actually more productive and get more done. Cool, huh?

Client’s wife: You know what I think would make employees more productive at work? Looking at pictures of the unemployment line.

The small talk stopped there.

Source: Clients From Hell

The moral of the story? Empathy knows no limits! By the way, today is Small Business Saturday. A holiday invented by those assholes over at American Express. Good thing I haven’t done my small business yet today. (That’s a poop joke.)

The fellow was obviously referencing this recent news: Looking At Cute Animal Pictures At Work Can Make You More Productive, Study Claims via The Huffington Post.

Because I want you to be productive, too, I’ve decided to share a couple of my recent photographs.
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