Ingredient Throwbown with Abyss Flayed: Triscuit vs Wheat Thins

Celebrity endorsement is not implied or flavorful.

I’ve become interested in ingredients of late. It all goes back to my Christmas wish list (in progress). One of the items on my list is a book about the tobacco industry entitled Golden Holocaust. I’m sure it’ll bring kris kringles of fun to make my season bright.

I read an excerpt from the book that got me thinking about ingredients. And thanks to the internet, I’ve gained more knowledge than I ever dreamed possible. And more than I ever wanted.

But more about all that later when I bring you the grisly details right before supper time.

For now, a brief and simple new feature here on the blog called The Ingredient Throwdown with Abyss Flayed. I’m your host, Mr. Abyss, and as part of this process I’ll be flayed. Hence the title. I’ll also be flambéed, sautéed, and filleted. That part I’m doing just to be thorough.

In this feature I pick two food items that strike my fancy and put them up against each other in a head-to-head winner-take-all-challenge. Using my secret formula, I then list the ingredients in each food item in an unbiased manner and declare a winner based on which ingredients I think are better.

Sounds like fun? Let’s eat!

This round is Triscuit vs. Wheat Thins. Both, by pure random coincidence, happen to be Nabisco products.

Triscuit, Original

Ingredients: WHOLE WHEAT, SOYBEAN AND/OR PALM OIL, SALT. Source: NabiscoWorld.com.

Ingredient Count: Three (3) or Four (4) due to usage of “and/or” in list. (Judge’s official ruling.)

Serving Size: Six (6) crackers.

Wheat Thins, Original

Ingredients: WHOLE GRAIN WHEAT FLOUR, UNBLEACHED ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE {VITAMIN B1}, RIBOFLAVIN {VITAMIN B2}, FOLIC ACID), SOYBEAN OIL, SUGAR, CORNSTARCH, MALT SYRUP (FROM BARLEY AND CORN), SALT, INVERT SUGAR, LEAVENING (CALCIUM PHOSPHATE AND/OR BAKING SODA), VEGETABLE COLOR (ANNATTO EXTRACT, TURMERIC OLEORESIN). BHT ADDED TO PACKAGING MATERIAL TO PRESERVE FRESHNESS. Source: NabiscoWorld.com.

Ingredient Count: Fuck you, assholes. You think I’m actually going to damage my eyes trying to read that shit?

Serving Size: Sixteen (16) crackers. (Source: Stephen Colbert.)

Conclusion

Triscuit wins by knockout in the first round. It’s not even close. When it comes to ingredients in my processed foods, I’m a firm believer that less is more. Gimmie less!

Disclosure

Me and Wheat Thins have history. We go way back. That did not affect my ruling in this matter.

Bonus Round

Just for fun, let’s take a look at Wheat Thins, Spicy Buffalo varietal:

WHOLE GRAIN WHEAT FLOUR, SOYBEAN OIL, SUGAR, CORNSTARCH, MALTODEXTRIN, MALT SYRUP (FROM CORN AND BARLEY), SALT, INVERT SUGAR, CAYENNE PEPPER SAUCE (CAYENNE PEPPERS, VINEGAR, SALT, GARLIC), LEAVENING (CALCIUM PHOSPHATE AND/OR BAKING SODA), TOMATO POWDER, GARLIC POWDER, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR, YEAST EXTRACT, VEGETABLE COLOR (PAPRIKA EXTRACT, ANNATTO EXTRACT, TURMERIC OLEORESIN), SPICE. BHT ADDED TO PACKAGING MATERIAL TO PRESERVE FRESHNESS.

Ah! “Natural flavor” makes an appearance. More about that coming soon.

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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