Tombstone Authoring: A Twitter Experience

Ever wander through a cemetery and wonder about the stories behind those cryptic names and dates? Well wonder no longer. Google, in it’s quest to answer every question of all time, has just announced Google Graveyard. Finally, all of those questions answered.

Some tombstones go old school with name, dates, and that’s it. Some add a few words, like “Beloved Mother.”

Me? I figure what the hell? There’s enough room on my tombstones for 140 characters so why not tweet on it. I plan to make use of that space. Dying will be my final creative act! My pièce de résistance! It’ll even be my raison d’être. Well, maybe not exactly. But you know what I mean.

Towards that end (heh) I set aside a few moments of quality time with my cappuccino and jotted down a few ideas. I’d very much appreciate a tender moment of sharing with you. I’m an author. Please enjoy these selected works from my Twitter stream.

Bonsoir mon ami!

2012-10-05 Tombstone Authoring: ‘The allegations are untrue.’ Signed, Tom B. Taker’s attorney.

Make the great jump if you’d like to read a few more…

2012-09-22 Tombstone Authoring: Underhanded. Uninteresting. Uninvolved. Undertaker.

2012-09-22 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies a being that understood the true nature of the monkey’s paw. To try it for yourself please come inside.

2012-09-22 Tombstone Authoring: For a firsthand tour of Hell please inquire within.

2012-09-22 Tombstone Authoring: By examining contents you agree to our end user license agreement.

2012-09-19 Tombstone Authoring: Please don’t come any closer. His space bubble was as large as the Astrodome.

2012-09-14 Tombstone Authoring: He came unglued.

2012-09-14 Tombstone Authoring: He was the first to create an app that allowed the copy function on content. And they killed him for it. #control

2012-09-11 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. He was seasoned while he cooked. #FTW

2012-08-01 Forget everything I’ve ever said about tombstone authoring. This is what I want. ‘The Perfect Storm of Shit.’ #quantumleap #paradigmshift

2012-07-16 Tombstone Authoring: I’m with stupid.

2012-06-05 Yes, I’ve tasted @McDonalds. How the hell do you think I killed myself? Now, what should go on my McTombstone?

2012-05-16 Tombstone Authoring: Tom B. Taker almost died today. Wait one. Scratch that. For once it is finally fait accompli.

2012-05-07 Tombstone Authoring: Where I’m going we’ll never use the phrase ‘up here.’

2012-04-05 Tombstone authoring: I was never here.

2012-02-24 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who really loved the B-52s. Finally he’s in the ground like a wild potato. #PrivateIdaho

2012-01-06 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

2011-12-29 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker, killed by the Frito Bandito.

2011-12-10 Tombstone Authoring: Refill only with Kikkoman.

2011-11-26 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who was killed by a feedback loop within his own filter bubble.

2011-11-11 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who was killed by his own gigantic pile of stuff that he was hoarding. Fitting.

2011-11-08 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. He lived a life totally devoid of FOX News.

2011-11-04 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who’s only useful property was the ability to remember meaningless pop culture references.

2011-10-30 I’d very much like to see the word ‘meatloafed’ on my tombstone. Just putting that out there. @AmyCSeverson

2011-10-12 Tombstone Authoring: WTF?

2011-10-06 What can I add to the Steve Jobs narrative that the rest of the world won’t? It’s too late now for him to hire me for tombstone authoring.

2011-09-28 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. Pac-Man ate his dots and now he’s a ghost.

2011-09-28 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who died in a single-vehicle accident. He threw himself headfirst into a parked car.

2011-09-27 Tombstone Authoring: Tom B. Taker, guru, a man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. Whoops. Yeah, he’s dead.

2011-09-25 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker, a wholly unremarkable specimen.

2011-09-22 Update Status: Melancholy. No tombstone for my head.

2011-09-18 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who died knowing that his wife didn’t think he was funny.

2011-09-14 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker, a man who never took a photograph of his own Anthony Weiner.

2011-09-14 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. Adventurer and explorer. A man who never ventured outdoors. He dearly loved conditioned air.

2011-08-31 Tombstone Authoring: Please leave a message. Tom B. Taker is currently exploring The Great Beyond.

2011-08-29 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker whose dying wish was to posthumously change his name to Tom B. Stone.

2011-08-29 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker, a man struggling to survive and not doing a very good job.

2011-08-26 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker, victim of a buffer overflow error while transporting. #startrek #energize

2011-08-25 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker – a man barely alive. Scratch that. He’s deader than a doornail. #oscar #osi

2011-08-23 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who lost a winner-take-all battle with the universe.

2011-08-22 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who was killed by a Monday.

2011-08-22 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker who was killed by his own kitchen sink. At least he died with a smile on his face.

2011-08-18 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. He died driving to and/or from Taco Bell.

2011-08-09 Tombstone Author: Here lies Tom B. Taker. He was a loss leader of men. #retail

2011-08-09 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies Tom B. Taker. His existence was downgraded along with his credit rating.

2011-08-02 Tombstone Author: Here lies thread Tom B. Taker. Completed 100% of process. #progressbar

2011-08-01 Tombstone Authoring: Here lies a member of homo sapiens. Don’t worry – he’s dead now. #tombstone

2011-07-27 What I want on my tombstone: He was a quality retweeter. #tombstone #author

And a fresh one for the road…

2012-11-12 Tombstone Authoring: Attention Mormons. I am an atheist. Do not baptize me. I know parting is such sweet sorrow but just let me go.

6 responses

    1. Curses! Foiled by the Google! Again! 🙂

      Like

  1. There lies Tom B Taker. Once a man among men. Now a man beneath dirt.

    Like

    1. I totally disavow that man thing but I appreciate the sediment. You just won emcee status at the event.

      Like

  2. Tom B. Taker — the shit finally stuck.

    Like

    1. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Unlike most of your species I never made plans to live forever.

      Like

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