BlogFestivus – Day One: Fire in the Holy Night

blogfestivus-20122Fire in the Holy Night
by Tom B. Taker

A Christmas tale that features rear ends?
After you read we may no longer be friends.

Santa’s sleigh has a shield,
It’s not there just by chance.
Added long ago after something
Something! within Dasher’s pants.


Life at the North Pole isn’t as all glamorous as it’s made out to be. For one thing, there’s no municipal sewage treatment. Sure, elves can melt snow for a source of pure drinking water, but when it comes to the outgoing #1 and #2 – something has got to give.

When wee little Dasher the Reindeer was born, two things quickly became clear. He was destined for greatness and it was going to be … interesting.

Originally born Bartholomäus Tiberius Reindeer, he quickly earned up the nickname “Dasher” due to hoppy, quick feet and because he was always hoofin’ it to Christmas Town latrine. His real name was quickly forgotten and he was simply known as Dasher, as if he was on the same level as Cher, Madonna and Sting!

The thing was that Dasher was always out dashing. He was a mover and a shaker. ‘Here’ was never sufficient for Dasher. Movement was its own reward.

Unfortunately, Dasher’s ongoing and lifetime struggle with irritable bowel syndrome irrevocably doomed his chances to make Team One and pull Santa’s sleigh. Until one foggy night when Dr. Finklestein fatefully forged a piece of plexiglass and saved the day.

Now you know the story “behind” the splash shield on Santa’s sleigh!

reindeer

This post is part of Blogdramedy’s 2012 BlogFestivus challenge where festivants are cajoled and harassed into writing nine stories in nine days about nine reindeers. Each story has to be exactly 243 words in length.

Happy Festivus to all!

18 responses

  1. Poop and Christmas. You’ve merged them fantastically. You must have boys in your life.

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    1. It’s Festivus Fusion. My own special blend. Thanks for reading and commenting. An incredible Feat of Strength.

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  2. This post has solids!

    (I mean…is solid…)

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    1. Ha ha! Yeah, I’m trying to solidify my position on the #poop tag. It’s an endless battle. I usually get wiped by the competition.

      Too bad the story is a piece of crap.

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  3. If you’ve ever been to a parade, you know that horses don’t hold it until they get home. I imagine that reindeer don’t either. Splash shield. Genius!
    And I love that Dasher shares a middle name with Capt. Kirk!

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    1. Exactly. I was thinking, “It must be horrible being pulled behind those flying reindeer.” Thanks!

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  4. Well, I see what you mean. it looks as though I’ve finally found someone with a warped sense of reality like I’ve got. 😀
    Loved it, my sister-in-law suffers from ibs, I’ll have to show her this post, she will… well… you know, crap and pants are two things that come to mind. 😉

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    1. I felt an immediate kinship! Glad to know you.

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      1. Whoa, now that’s freaky. Right? Same here!

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  5. So come on and tell me BlogFestivus isn’t good for your readership. I double dog dare you. You are smokin’ hot today…you’re the Turd-inator of Turf.

    You’re the fire in my hole. *snort* I slay me.

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    1. BlogFestivus has been hog fortuitous. And how! 🙂

      Turd is a word I overlook far too often. Thanks for the prompting.

      Oh hole-ee night…

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  6. There’s something so right about a poop-filled start to this. I have a medicine in the works for IBS if you don’t mind suicidal ideations.

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    1. I think IBS is the perfect pairing for suicidal ideations. Our chef also recommends the vegetarian roast and the non-alcoholic wine.

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  7. […] BlogFestivus – Day One: Fire in the Holy Night (shoutsfromtheabyss.wordpress.com) […]

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  8. I would imagine it’s not just poop that is felicitously deflected by that shield. The methane release needed to gain the initial “lift” for the sleigh must be enormous! Happily now, Santa doesn’t have to wear his hat over his face until after takeoff anymore!

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    1. Pure brilliance. That’s also why Greenpeace has been seen zipping around Christmas Town in kodiak boats. Reindeer emissions!

      Willy Wonka has more to do with flying reindeer than anyone ever suspected. Perhaps the tale will someday be told…

      /fizzy

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  9. A splashy entry into the Festivus! I look forward to reading your other entries.

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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