Survivor: Abyss Island – Buff Enough?

zeitguru-tribe-flag

Tribal flag and mount. Artist I am not.

A recap of Day 5 action including tribe ZeitGuru’s first reward challenge.

Only one person in the tribe? At last a team I can get down with.

After five days of living on absolutely nothing but water, plain beans, rice, coconut, banana, pineapple and kiwi, I was really looking forward to my first reward challenge.

What would be the reward? Perhaps salt? Oh yeah, that would rock my world. Coffee or tea? Even without sugar that would turn my entire existence upside down.

It’s only been five days.

Whatever the reward, I knew getting it wouldn’t be easy. My wife as Survivor Host, the Probst with the Most, would surely be out to get me. She doesn’t mess around.

On that score, at least, I would not be disappointed.

wild-beastBack on Day 1 my wife had given me a “torch” which represents my life in the game. She had also given me materials and ordered me to make a tribe flag. Personally I think the power has gone to her head and she’s taking this all a bit too seriously.

The tribe flag is a skull (representing me) with eye sockets of blood. A lightning bolt, which represents our official game host, shockingly divides the skull in two. Crossbones complete the ensemble because, hell, this is Abyss Island, matey. I’m telling you all this so you’ll know at least as much thought went into my tribe’s flag as the Google logo. Maybe after these 39 days are over I’ll have a career in logo design. Obviously I’m a natural.

Also on Day 1 was the first (and last) coconut of my life. In true MacGyver style I opened it using only a hammer. Then I tasted raw coconut. Uh, we have a problem here. Is that what this is supposed to taste like or is this piece of shit from Walmart bad? Unable to know the difference, I put the kibosh on the coconuts. So long, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya. I got nothin’ for ya.

After an interminable wait it was finally Wednesday night, Day 5, and I was more than ready for the reward challenge. I had big dreams of earning something that would spice up my meals. Perhaps some salt? That would rock. Or even a spice kit? Or maybe coffee? I can dream, can’t I?

nice-coconutsI rolled into the reward challenge wearing my buff and the host was waiting for me. Laid out before me was a deck of playing cards and a ruler sticking 12″ up in the air. Uh oh. This did not bode well.

Wife Host explained I had six minutes to build a house of cards at least 12″ tall. The reward? A fishing net which I could put into the sink before meal time. My wife explained that when I did this there would be a chance of catching something, like a fish, clam or shrimp. “Worth playing for?” she asked.

She put six minutes on the clock and the challenge was on. I think I knew in the first 10 seconds I was doomed. It was truly a shining moment for my negativity. I may be on a Survivor challenge but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten my true nature.

At first I actually made a good faith effort to complete the challenge. I was steady as a rock as I worked the cards, my wife supplying an uninterrupted stream of Probst-like inane comments to try to throw me off my game. It was very apparent, though, that something was amiss. The cards seemed slippery and they refused to behave. I could get a base of four cards built but anything on the second level, still far short of the goal, resulted in disaster.

reward-challengeBy the three minute mark my efforts were only half-hearted. With less than two minutes to go I deliberately flattened my lame ass structure and pushed the cards away in disgust.

“That’s it then?” my wife asked. “You’re giving up?”

“Yep. This ain’t happening.”

The challenge was called with 1:30 still left on the clock. No one quits in Survivor. They fight to the end no matter what. Well, I am that no one! I think I mentioned something about my grandmother passing away in an attempt to score sympathy but it was to no avail. The Guru Fairplay gambit failed just like my attempts at the challenge.

My wife, laughing at me, repeatedly called my efforts “pathetic” then announced there would be no reward, no tantalizing prospects of seafood to keep me going.

I think in my confessional I may have said something derogatory about her. I sure hope they don’t use that clip, but they probably will. I already feel like the producers are out to get me and I’m going to be this season’s villain.

“I got nothing for you,” she announced dramatically. “Head back to camp.”

UPDATED: Now with more video goodness.

9 responses

  1. I love following this….and I might love your wife!!

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    1. hehe, why thank you! Not to split hairs, but right after a Tom pulled a “Russell Swan”, I actually said “I got nothin’ for ya…(wait for it)…pussy, head back to camp”. His efforts to build a card house were truly pathetic. On a sad note, he informed me after that he had never built a house of cards as a kid, ahhhh. Not.

      Oh and P.S. there is a video but he refuses to post it. POST IT, POST IT, POST IT!

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      1. Oh my God…..you are my new hero!! I can’t wait to follow the rest of this challenge……show no mercy!! And, yes, POST IT!!!

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    2. I’m so glad we’re not the only ones enjoying this. We do it all for you. 🙂

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      1. Well, the dedicated fans of this journey would like more photographs and some videos to satiate our need to watch others suffering. 🙂

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  2. Hey, now. I don’t want to be the Russell Swan of anything. It is true, however, that when I first arrived on Abyss Island I repeatedly told my tribe, “I’m not the leader.” Then I bossed the rest of me around like you wouldn’t believe. Even on a tribe with only one member there has still been a coup. That’s how I roll.

    For the record, I didn’t refuse to post the video. I couldn’t figure out how to load the damn thing into iMovie and I ran out of time in the morning because I had to go to the hell pit work.

    I’ll try again today. I just love how it highlights my negativity. You will believe a guru can fry.

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  3. Aren’t you worried these videos will “out” you?

    Also, what kind of beans do you eat? I’ve been thinking of eating chicken with rice and beans from time to time for a cheap and easy meal. No idea what sort of beans I should be getting.

    Like

    1. The videos could “out” me but only if a hand model talent scout see them. 🙂 It’s a risk I’m willing to take in order to humiliate myself for your enjoyment.

      The rice is long grain white rice from the bulk bin at the grocery store. The beans are red kidney beans from the bulk bin. I cook the beans in a crock pot for about eight hours. Did I mention that I don’t have salt? Or butter? Or oil? It’s just plain beans and plain rice. That’s quite the plain meal. Since this is Day 9 it has been nothing but this for something like 25 meals in a row. Argh.

      Red beans and rice used to be one of my favorite dishes. My wife made it for me on my birthday. But that’s decidedly what this diet ain’t. I sure hope I win some salt/spices soon.

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  4. I can’t believe I haven’t looked at this series before because I’ve never seen the show. Now I’m playing catch up because I’m hooked. I’m not sure what’s funnier, witnessing the negativity or how well the negativity is drawn out!

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