Abyss Island: S1E7 – Set Phasers on Food / The Trouble With Kibbles
My wife named this challenge: “Star Trek or Star Wife”
I strolled into the challenge sportin’ my official tribe buff and hoisting the toilet plunger the proudly bears the ZeitGuru team flag. I was feeling cocky and confident. After all, I was batting .750. I had won three challenges in a row (after losing that initial house of cards travesty of justice). I’m on a win streak. What could possibly go wrong?
Rumor had it that this reward was going to be one “worth playing for” and I was more than ready. My tummy was in a twitter of anticipation. It growled ominously like a Rigellian ox as I stepped in and assumed my station on the pad.
“Belay that order, mister! We’ve got a challenge to finish and Starfleet ain’t yella.”
As usual, the Priority One communiqué from the Federation only served to muddle my mind. I took it in my ready room on a secure channel:
To boldly go where no man has gone before
To know your wife and make the score.
James, Spock, Scotty and George Takei
If you’re not careful you’ll make your wife cry.
Outer space is where you’ll do well.
Upsetting your wife…
You’ll wish you lived in Hell.
Obviously I was going to be quizzed on my knowledge of my wife, like some variation of the Newlywed Game. But how in the hell would Star Trek fit into this? Dammit, man, I’m a negativist philosopher, not a doctor!
Leave it to my wife to up the stakes. I found myself in the Neutral Zone with a lot more than a meal to worry about. Failure in this challenge could mean the end of the Organian Marital Peace Treaty itself.
At last my wife explained the challenge. There would be four rounds of questions. Each round of questioning would include a question about Star Trek and a question about my wife.
Let’s just put it like this: Any man who gets more questions right about Star Trek than his own beloved bride will promptly be shot out into space via the nearest airlock.
On the counter were two tents. A correct answer to both questions and I’d be allowed to eat what was hidden under tent #1. A wrong answer to both and I’d be forced to eat what was hidden under tent #2. I was given assurances I would not find this outcome desirable.
If I got the wife question wrong and the Star Trek question right then I’d still face tent #2. Damn, that was devious.
Q. Who created the gesture that Vulcans give when Spock says, “Live long and prosper?”
I replied, “Leonard Nimoy/Jewish people.” Correct!
Q. What was the last name your wife was born with?
This is not the last name she’d had most of her life, but luckily I came through with flying colors. Correct!
Prize: Tent #1 revealed jalapeño poppers with dipping sauce, which my wife described as “Peach chipotle.” Hella! Game on! Something fried and breaded? Holy shit. It has been a long, long time, my friend. For bonus points I licked up leftover sauce with my finger. Abyss Island has stripped me of the social graces.
Avoided: A bowl of peas. Yes, the same damn peas that were used as an ice pack on her shoulder after surgery. I think I’d rather eat raw cow brains.
Q. Who played the dead body of Kirk’s dead brother, Sam?
Holy shit. I have no freakin’ idea. I remember the episode, of course. Time expired and my wife said with a laugh, “William Shatner.”
Dammit, man! Trick question!
Q. There are a few food items I hate to eat. One more than any other. What’s that food?
Again I was stumped. I wrote down a backup answer as I struggled for the real one. It was on the tip of my tongue. It never came to me, though, and time ran out.
“Reveal,” my wife commended. I lamely showed the word “nuts” that I had written down. Correct!
Ha ha ha!
Prize: Margarita pizza, a vegetarian favorite from our local deli restaurant.
Avoided: Roasted butternut squash. Ugh. I am not a fan of the squash. At this point, though, it probably would have felt like a step up.
Q. What character says in The Man Trap, “May the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet?”
Shame. Humiliation. I recalled the wrong episode. I figured this was the one when Harry Mudd brings three attractive women on the Enterprise, but that was wrong. It’s actually the episode with Dr. McCoy’s old girlfriend, the salt monster. So my answer of “Mudd” was dead wrong.
Dammit, man! These questions are hard. The correct answer was Hikaru Sulu. Doesn’t everyone know that?
Q. What is the date and year of your wife’s birth?
Nailed it! Sweet victory!
Prize: Two pieces of chicken strips with ranch dressing. Hello, chicken! Nice to eat you.
Avoided: Sweet potato fries with ketchup. Ugh. Fries are not supposed to be made with sweet potatoes. Evar. I have nightmares about this.
Q. What episode showed TV’s first interracial kiss?
I vividly remembered the moment, of course. Kirk and Uhura, being controlled by some douchebags with mental powers, were forced to kiss while Spock laughed and recited poetry. But the name of the episode escaped me. In a pure desperation move I wrote, “Plato’s Stepchildren.”
Booyah!!! Dammit, man, I was proud of that one.
Q. What is the full date that you first met your wife?
Oh, snap. Someone is going down. I thought long and hard and scratched down my answer.
I could tell by my wife’s reaction I was wrong. “Oh, so sorry,” she said. “The correct answer we were looking for is 11/28/2004.”
“That’s only two fucking days!” I yelled to no avail.
Prize: A dish of plain peanut butter. I optimistically figured in my hunger it wouldn’t be quite so bad. I was wrong. Take my advice. Never eat peanut butter all by itself. It is not good. And Jenna and Heidi stripped naked for this shit? Fools.
Avoided: A container of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Even though it was the smallest ice cream container I’ve ever seen, this was a heartbreaker. A container of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream has been a bone of contention between us for months. I want one, dammit. I just want it. Per the official rules my wife claimed this prize for herself. Space balls!
By the thinnest of margins, divorce was successfully avoided. I answered 3 of 4 questions pertaining to my wife correctly. Meanwhile I only got 2 out of 4 correct from the world of Star Trek.
Thus, it was proved, that I know my wife better than I know my favorite TV show. Whew. Disaster averted.
“One thing, though,” I said. “Isn’t this sort of challenge going to out me to the universe as one massive Star Trek nerd?”
“Exactly,” my wife replied.
Logical. Flawlessly logical.