Holy white smoke, Fatman!
We now bring you a LIVE shot of someplace on planet Earth where surging throngs of Pope nerds have assembled to hear about the selection of some guy in some religion.
But first, some pharmaceutical ads. Don’t worry! We’ll do the multiple window thing so the LIVE shot of St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City will continue while we run the commercials. It’s our commitment to you to bring you continuous coverage of these people milling around a square.
FOX SPEWS ALERT! BREAKING NEWS! NEW POPE CHOOSES THE NAME FRANCIS
Francis, eh? Wasn’t that the name of the character Psycho in the movie Stripes? “Any of you homos call me Francis … and I’ll kill you.” Yes, that guy. Look it up.
FOX SPEWS ALERT! POPE FRANCIS DESCRIBED AS HUMBLE (PER FIRST PAPAL DECREE ISSUED BY POPE FRANCIS IN SUBTEXT TWEET)
Wow. Look at those white guys and blonde ladies ejaculating (to utter suddenly and vehemently, look it up) about their beloved Pope.
So there I was, eating lunch with my wife, and the flat screen TV’s on the wall were all tuned to the FOX Spews channel. Note to self: Never eat at that restaurant again.
Was FOX News excited about the selection of a new Pope? Does a Pope shit in the … well, I think you catch my drift. FOX News was seemingly so excited that they must have dipped into their swimming pool-sized bowl of free Viagra and Levitra samples (they run a lot of ads, look it up) and worked themselves into such a frenzy that they literally splooged all over my lunch. Right through those shiny flatscreen TVs.
I’m gonna need a napkin here.
Why did you do that, FOX Spews? Why do you hate my lunch? Make no mistake about it. Lunch has been attacked. Lunch will be defended!
If there was ever a time in the history of humankind that we needed a condom this was it. A condom as big as Rupert Murdoch’s ego to cover all their damn buildings and fully-erectile broadcasting apparatuses.
Alas, it was not meant to be. Condoms aren’t particularly favored by the Catholic Church. Dammit! And full circle. And scene.
FOX SPEWS ALERT! BREAKING NEWS!
Waiter! Check please. And for once in my life I won’t be needing a Murdoch bag.