A Vacation Proposal

Some of my Twitter followers go with me on vacation.

All I ever wanted. Request denied.

Sorry. Not writing a post today, I am. Vacation on am I.

I better hurry up, though. I gotta be at work in a few minutes.

Does your employer offer paid vacation? No law requires employers to give their workers paid vacation days, but most companies do pay for some vacation days: More than 90% of all full-time employees in private industry receive paid vacation, according to 2011 figures from the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Source: NOLO.com

Wow. More than 90% of full-time employees have vacation time in this country. And, according to the BLS, that factoid only considers private industry, and they should know! As a government agency I’m sure they’ve got vacations squirting out of their privates. If you factor in governmental employees I’m sure that percentage grows to something about the size of the Death Star.

The beauty of a having a boss that feels vacations are superfluous for full-time employees is that they can never control your mind. I’ll take a mental vacation any goddamned time that I please.

By the way? Are you hiring? Be sure to ask for a copy of my resumé. Yes, you too can harness the power of guru and have it supporting your various nefarious schemes. To guru you listen. Harness power, you can.

Never one to be undaunted, I decided to intrepidly roll up my sleeves and see if I could make the power of maths help me with lack of vacations. You’ll be startled at the results I penciled out.

Full-time. That means you’re a chump who spends approx. five-sevenths of your life at work. I’ll understand if you want to take a moment to go kill yourself.

Back now? Okay, let’s continue.

Five days a week. 52 weeks a year. Let’s be gracious and say that even without paid vacation days you still somehow manage to take 10 days off. That’s still 50 fun-filled weeks of ass sucking.

5 days X 50 weeks = 250 days.

Assuming a 40-hour work week (fuck you France!) a one week vacation is equivalent to 2,400 minutes.

You don’t have to possess a Ph.D. to do the math, but just in case, I’ll go ahead and solve the rest of this story problem on your behalf.

2,400 minutes / 250 days = 9.6 minutes per day.

Yup! You got it. Working full time and not having a paid vacation is the same as your boss saying, “You are not worth a benefit equal to 9.6 minutes per day.” And that’s only 10 percent of the time he spends daily with his ass glued to the can.

I am the less than 10 percent that isn’t worth the 9.6!
–Tom B. Taker

The boss recently reamed me because I didn’t always log a full 40 hours every week. He wants his full-time, goddamn it. And yet, other than an hour’s worth of pay for an hour’s worth of work, I don’t get a single benefit for being full-time. Not even a company discount on his poop.

When you look at it that way it’s way worse and more insulting than even I ever possibly imagined. If you’re in the same boat as me I pity you. Just try to stay on your side of the boat because I’m sure neither of us is sanitary.

9 responses

  1. On the other hand, you left out weekends, nights, and the amount of time we spend not working at work.
    Not that that helps, I’m just trying to keep myself from getting too depressed.


    1. Yes, yes, of course. You have to account for all the variables. But I’ve done the calculations that prove the boss is, by far, the #1 person in my life. I think I’m going to go see how much of my body I can fit in a blender.


  2. Enjoy storming the castle!


    1. Dammit. I so want to keep up with you but I have failed. Thanks for big braining me.


  3. I left corporate America long ago. So grateful. I remember feeling like this. Things being unfair. Don’t miss it. I miss a steady paycheck for sure, but I cant fathom ever going back. The life of an artist may have its downsides (like always needed more mula) but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    Your boss sucks!!!!!!!!


    1. As one who strapped on the wax wings and flew close to the sun and got away with it, you are, of course, an inspiration to us all. All hail the one that got away!

      My wife and I were discussing her job last night. We realized that we suffer from the delusion that those running the company have some sort of shared objective, like making money. At least that would make sense. But when so much of what they do is counter to that implied objective and instead based on power and spite and childishness, the only conclusion is that they say one thing but do another.

      Thanks for the reaffirmation. 🙂


      1. Maybe their true focus is power. Its a false power, but that’s what I came to believe at my old job. We were all making money but he (boss) needed to step on “others” to feel good? I don’t know. Its a weird crazy thing. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know how you keep it together!


  4. Does the boat come with a porta-potty? And my own roll of toilet paper? If not, you’re sailing solo.


    1. If early days of boating with my dad taught me anything it’s that the ocean is one big toilet. Logical.

      I’m sailing away…


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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