Mayo Daze

graphIf you’re like me (and who isn’t?) you enjoy sandwiches but suffer greatly from the fact that mayonnaise absorbs into bread.

In the morning you slather on the mayo fully anticipating a world of wonder but come lunchtime you are left with limp, soggy bread and an underwhelming mastication experience.

The secret lies within a complex scientific phenomenon known as “mayonnaise viscosity.” Or, as we like to call it, MV.

What if I told you there was a way you could have your mayo and eat it, too? Now how much would you pay?

Introducing new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets with MV Technology. Our flavorologists have taken the humble mayonnaise packet and – finally – turned it into something that’s actually useful.

Traditional packets have to be opened and squirted to deliver their contents to the target area. This is time consuming and messy. Has this ever happened to you? And driving a car? Forget about it! That mayonnaise might as well be in the jar back home.

But with Mayo Kibblins you just place it and go. So easy even an American can do it!

Here’s how it works:

Regular mayonnaise packets are made from non-biodegradable materials like lead, arsenic, butter flavor and nuclear waste. But Mayo Kibblins packets are specially designed to be eaten. The secret is the micro-thin layer of bioengineered edible husks from Monsanto that are powered by pass-thru nanites. Simply put: You don’t have to open the packet because it is designed to be eaten. Take that, silica gel!

When bitten, these husks invisibly break down and allow the creamy white sauce to squirt right out – into your mouth, sandwich or wherever you need it to go! No more mess. No more fuss!

The result is the most viscous mayonnaise flavor you’ve ever experienced. And since the husks are flavorless, your sandwich is as delicious as ever. Husks will soon be available in 42 different texture profiles to enhance the chewing experience, too. Want horseradish “mouthfeel” only without the bite? No problem! Mayo Kibblins can handle that job with style.

Look for new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets today in drug stores, hardware stores and wherever fine pool chemicals are sold. (Not available in grocery stores.)

7 responses

  1. I’m guessing you’ll get a Cease & Desist from Monsanto any minute now.

    As a scientist, I appreciate the graph.


    1. I believe a C&D order from Monsanto is on my bucket list. Or I could just eat their food.

      Graph FTW! Thanks! 🙂


  2. What can I say other than hold the mayo.


    1. Where would you like me to hold it?


  3. You maybe onto something! Sort of like those Listerine Breath Strips, except without the mint.


    1. Obviously they stole my idea! 🙂


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