Bye Bye Bitches

keep-calm-and-bye-bye-bitchesFrom time to time here in the Abyss we receive unsolicited manuscripts. I want to assure the loyal reader that Mrs. Abyss was not coached in any way, shape or form by yours truly and came up with the following missive completely on her own. She did steal my cow orker bit, though. -Ed.

This is a true account of one girl’s departure from the fiery pit of Hell known as… work. She had the courage to claw her way out but not before facing four long years of pain, suffering, under-appreciation, long hours, criticisms, crawling from under the bus, anger, hatred, hysterical laughter and gut-wrenching tears.

But alas she escaped, bloodied and with broken fingernails, scars across her back, evil images burned in her mind, clothes dirty and torn… but with a smile on her face. A smile of freedom.

The Notice

I gave a three-week notice. I’m a sicko.

What did that get me? The Boss ignored me for two weeks and six days. I mean went out of her way to ignore me. Last day? Total love fest.

i-quitThe Kindness of Strangers

Fellow cow-orker: “Oh I am going to miss you so much. You have meant a lot to me over the years. You are so talented. I will truly miss you.”

Me (response in my brain): Umm, yea, well you have NEVER said two words to me. I’m pretty sure you don’t know my name. And I’m pretty sure I hate you.

Me (actual response): “Well, I’ll miss you too. I’ll drop you a post card when I settle. Bye now.”

Another fellow cow-orker: What the hell? When were you going to tell me you quit? Can’t take it anymore, huh? Figures. Well, come see me on your last day so I can hug you and say goodbye.

Me (response in my brain): Fuck you, too, and go to hell, biatch!

Me (actual response): “Yes, I am leaving. So sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I will come and say goodbye, I promise.”

Another fellow cow-orker: “I can’t believe you’re getting out. I’m really depressed. Who am I going to vent to? Who am I going to cry with? What about me?”

Me (response in my brain): Take some Xanax, you self-centered twat.

Me (actual response): “Here’s my number. Text me when you’re feeling down. I will think of you often and hope you, too, can get out soon.”

Boss: “I am so going to miss you. Please let me know if you need a letter of reference. If you end up moving back, please know. I will always have a job here for you. I love you.” (Actual verbiage.)

Me (response in my brain): You LOVE me? Who the hell do you think you are? Just yesterday you cut me to the quick. Your eyes lasered my guts in two. I saw your head spin around, not once but twice, and I was only trying to help you. I hate you. You suck. You are bipolar, mean, evil and I hate you. You remind me of a nasty cat, first the lick, then the scratch. No, that’s not fair to cats. You are much worse than that. Yeah, I hate you.

Me (actual response): “Thank you so much for giving me a chance to work for this wonderful company. I will miss you. I love you, too.” Produce tiny tear, turn around, walk out of the office, gag a little, feel ashamed of myself.

bye-homerThe After Party

Stupid cow-orker: “So, we thought we’d go out to Mexican food and drinks after work, instead of a party in the office. We know you don’t want a big send off. Who do you want to invite?”

Me: “I want these five people ONLY!” (Inside voice: one of which is NOT you.) “AND please do not invite Dr. So and So.” (aka Boogers) “Or the oss or these other three people… under any circumstances. Please.”

Stupid cow-orker: “Okay, great. I totally understand.”

Then, five days before the “going away party,” stupid cow-orker sends a mass email to a department of 30 people including all the of the people I did not want invited.

Fortunately, for me, only 15 people attended. There happened to be a large fire in a rural neighborhood so many people had to get home to protect their property.

Dr. Boogers, The Boss and one of the three people I did not want to see arrived with smiles plastered on their idiot faces. I hate stupid cow-orker.

All in all the party was indeed fun. I placed myself in between my favorite people. The idiots sat on the outside edges. I had plenty of shots to ease the pain. The Mexican restaurant thought it was my birthday and brought out the big Sombrero, a shot of something delish and sang happy birthday to me. I did not decline the shot.

Dr. Boogers made a toast. Then Dr. Boogers and The Boss parted first and unbeknownst the rest of us paid for the entire table. Damn it, Jim! I so wanted to hate them up to the bitter end.

bye-potterThe Parting Gifts

WOW! There were some unexpected gifts. A huge basket of flowers from the whole damn business. Chocolates, various tokens of appreciation and the like.

A beautiful watercolor from one of my favorite co-worker/artist friends.

An amazing photograph from my favorite doctor that he took himself. (He and I have a crush on each other – shhh, don’t tell Tom.)

The Boss gave me a card with a hundred dollar bill stapled to the inside. The card says she loves me. I say, “I love you, too.” More gagging ensues. I take another shot.

The best gift, though… from stupid cow-orker: A container of Walnut Shell Body Scrub. Gee, thanks! How thoughtful?

The best part about that gift… I say, what the hell, let’s give it a try. I hop in the shower the other day, open the container and WTF? The damn thing’s been used. There was scoop out of it and the rim of the container and lid had the goop in the ridges. Bravo! She re-gifted me! Touché, stupid cow-orker. Touché.

Bye bye, bitches. I will not miss you. I do not love you. I could care less about most of you.

Hello freedom!

9 responses

  1. Maintain the hate! Who do they think they are, trying to buy your love as you walk out the door?

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    1. Goodbye makes people do wonky things, I guess. I know I pooped on you for four years, but I want you to remember me fondly, ya know?

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  2. My thoughts exactly. Possibly one of the most toxic companies I have ever worked for. The management is oblivious to any problems and the staff is on high anxiety alert 8 to 10 hours a day. Just heard about a lady that interviewed for my position. She told an acquaintance of mine that the office was very frantic. Fortunately for her, she didn’t get the job.

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  3. So was the affection of your cow orkers an affectation? (See what I did there?) — or was is real? Even a little bit? I always find it important for people I despise to think that I like them.

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    1. People genuinely like Mrs. A. I think, in a work setting, it’s because she could perform and at the end of the day it means a lot to know you can be counted on. She also has a very genuine laugh and who doesn’t like an audience like that? And she was the funniest person in the office. She’s got it all going on.

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    2. You know what? Something similar happened during my quit. A week after leaving I stopped by to pick up some boxes. My ex-boss offered to round up some strong men from his church and help us load the moving truck. It was a sincerely touching gesture. Of course I responded my lying to his face and saying we already had it covered. I do have my principles.

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  4. I think I threw up in my mouth a little, there, at the thought of re-gifted bodywash.

    Urp.
    What’s next? A pre-licked & “sampled” fruit basket?

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    1. I like used gum. It really makes a statement. Ever the optimist, I’m going to assume it was merely intended to be a simple regift and the fact that it had been previously sampled was an accidental oversight. Yes, I’m feeling extremely generous this morning. 🙂

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      1. No Tom, you are wrong. She is just that sort of person. I think she thought I would never know. I know of another person stores gifts she doesn’t like like under her bed. When a birthday comes around she grabs something, re-wraps it and off it goes. And yes, she may have tried said gift before she swept it under the bed. I on the other hand only re-gift to family members that drive me nuts…hehehe.

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