Where The Green Grass Lies

going-yardIf there’s one thing I hate, it’s fucking deceitful grass. Especially when it lies like a snake in the … well, fuck it. You get the idea!

Advertising lies to us all day. We get it. We expect it. Show me a person who actually believes the messages contained in advertising and I’ll show you a poster child for brain bullet enemas.

We also expect it from people right to our face. Like strangers. No one’s surprised any more. Right? Certainly not me.

Even so, somehow, after I’ve been spoon fed the line of bullshit right to my face, sometimes even I still have the temerity to feign chagrin.

“Of course you need the layer of protectant sealant for the undercarriage coating.” This, and other members of the coatings family, are what eventually makes your car look like it has a peeling sunburn. And you paid extra for it. Ha ha ha!

“It only costs $5 per month to add a second line to your cell phone plan.” When the bill arrives, though, it’s $10 and when you call to point out their error, they call you the liar. That’s known as the icing on the cake. “Did you get it in writing?” they demand. I vowed that day that U.S. Cellular would eat my ass when my two years of indentured servitude were up and they still had the temerity to say, “How can we keep you as a customer?” when I called to cancel. Those are (almost) the moments that make life worth living.

“Sorry. It’s required that you initial that box on the contract that’s labeled ‘optional’ for our premium loan insurance.” This one got me more than once. That’s how you get to be a member of a class action lawsuit! Yeah, baby. One time I called the dealer back and said, “I’m taking the contract to my attorney tomorrow.” Talk about an empty threat! Like I have a lawyer. Still, it worked. Somehow it turned out they had admitted to a “mistake” and I could stop by the next day to sign a new and improved contract.

Dandelions cleverly hide this object so I can burn as first responders hunt. Bonus: Note debarkation line to mowed grass next door.

Dandelions cleverly hide this object so I can burn as first responders hunt. Bonus: Note debarkation line to mowed grass next door.

“Water and landscaping is covered by the landlord.” Actually, the property management company fucked us about 42 different ways. Lie #1 was that water was paid by the owner. Nope. They treat that one like Mission Impossible. Disavow all knowledge and demand the ever popular, “Did you get it in writing?” No, assholes. It was something we were told. Bottom line: We pay for the water.

Face, meet lie. Lie, meet face. Now french kiss for a while!

Meanwhile, the “lawn” (I use that term loosely) got taller and wilder by the day. I thought landscaping was included? Let’s analyze this shit, shall we? It’s a new feature here in the Abyss called Deep Probings.

“The landlord takes care of landscaping.”

You can’t accept an ambiguous statement like this at face value. Sure, it sounds good. But what does it really mean? Turns out, absolutely nothing.

  1. It could merely be a flat out lie. Fingers crossed and that sort of thing, ha ha!
  2. If not, they never said when. It could be in the next millenium. Gotcha!
  3. The phrase “takes care of” is unclear. This could mean watching with pride as dandelions exceed 12 feet in height gain and evolve “human eating” abilities similar to a venus fly trap. Darwin would be proud.
  4. “Landscaping” is another ambiguous term that could mean practically anything. One person hears the word and thinks “mowing” while another person assumes a green-based meditation-only approach.

On the positive side (checking my silver linings playbook) the situation has afforded me a unique opportunity to conduct dandelion field research. Did you know that dandelions close up during hot afternoons? What was a swimming sea of yellow earlier in the day suddenly turns into solid green and looks almost yard like. Don’t worry, though. The power of nature brings the yellow back the next day.

My quest to meet a human being who won’t lie to my face continues. I remain your humble Don Quixote of human truth and I adore being on tilt.

An artistic view over the property line: The hills are alive with the sound of dandelions!

An artistic view over the property line: The hills are alive with the sound of dandelions!

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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