Five Stages of Despair

despairGrief has gotten all the glory in the five-stages biz. It’s high time for Despair to have its moment in the sun. Just for fun, though, I call them flavors.

Introducing the Five Flavors of Despair ™:

  • Basic
  • Special
  • Ingrained
  • Righteous
  • Indignant

I would like to note that these flavors are not meant to be a complete list of all possible stages of despair that can be felt, and, they can occur in any order. My hypothesis holds that not everyone who experiences life groks all five of the flavors, as reactions to life are as unique as the person experiencing them. Note: There is one special case where all five flavors are perfectly experienced simultaneously. This is known as a Grand Wham ™.

Enough clinical shit! Let’s bust out with some real world examples and see how it makes you feel. Remember, there are no right answers!

Topic: Living in a Society

  • You don’t own a dog yet your lawn is covered with dog poop.
  • You don’t smoke yet your property is littered with cigarettes.
  • You are quiet and tranquil on your patio yet your neighbors blast music.
  • You have achieved 100 percent recycling yet 99% of city property is landfill.
  • You never litter yet your street is covered with trash.
  • In theaters you turn off your phone yet you can’t see/hear the movie due to other’s devices.

For honorary despairologist credentials, please post your own examples of “Living in a Society” in the comments section below. A despair specialist will get back to you with customized despair recommendations.

14 responses

  1. You don’t own a cat yet the flower garden is torn to pieces. Ahem…wait. That’s wrong. Let me try again.

    I’ll get back to you.

    *rolls on the floor in laugher*


    1. A flower shredded by a cat is not despair, but nice effort. You earn a participant ribbon.


  2. You eat, love pray for romance but your spouse is a Neanderthal. Would that be one???

    You beg for a serious conversation but your spouse thinks he’s a comedian. How about that one?

    All you want is your feet massaged and all your spouse wants to do is try to cut you with his long, broken sharp crusty old man toenail in response.

    Hmm, maybe these are for a different type of post 😉


    1. Those are all excellent examples. You really are good at this. Perhaps you should audit Despair 201 or Despair 301 and move along.


  3. do I get a complimentary coffe mug with the 5 stages on tehm when I order the Grand Wham breakfast?


    1. Yes, you do. But it’s cracked. Not suitable for use with liquids.


  4. I’m sorry, I was distracted by the donuts. If you work at home by yourself, who brings the donuts? If you get a dozen, do you eat them all yourself? And how much do you hate yourself for doing that?


    1. I see that you do understand despair.


  5. You pour your heart and soul into your blog but no one reads it except your imaginary stalker Cyndi.

    Mrs. Abyss comments on this blog but never writes snide comments on mine (and thus causes me to feel so alone).


    1. Uhoh…challenge accepted!


    2. Cyndi also comments the same amount on your blog. In that category I judge us to be about equal! 🙂


  6. Our “baby” is twelve, yet we occasionally find a diaper on our lawn. Does this qualify?


    1. Sorry, but no. What you have there is potential gerbil. Amazingly not all 12-year-olds convert into gerbils, although a lot do.


      1. Well. That explains a lot. The clothes stashed in odd, odoriferous piles. Pieces of snacks found here and there. Come to think of it, his room is looking more and more like a rodent’s lair. Perhaps I should talk with him.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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