Kirk Blocked

kirk-shining-cameronMeanwhile, in 1964, the idea for a space exploration television series was already a glint in Gene Roddenberry’s eye. Who could have possibly guessed where this glint might lead? One night, early in 1970, a jackal howled at the moon and that glint was conceived as a new life form. A winning sperm penetrated a poor little ovum and nine months later, on October 12, 1970, Kirk Thomas Cameron popped onto the earthly plane.

Verily, I must go where the spirit moves me and today it has led me to Kirk Cameron. Ugh.

Far be it for me to question the motives of the Creator. Maybe he’s torturing me for a follow up to the Book of Job? The Book of Tom has a nice ring to it. Yeah, I’m willing to suffer a little for 15 minutes of Biblical fame. But not too much, okay?

Verily, like most incidents of torture in my life, it all started on Facebook…

Did you know Kirk Cameron has a new movie out? If you can safely answer “no” to this question, rest easy. You’re normal. Probably.

If you can answer “yes” to this question, logic dictates there are two possibilities. Either you are a Kirk Cameron Banananite or the recent hubbub regarding a “censorship” controversy pierced your filter bubble. (No doubt similar to how Mr. Cameron was conceived.)

U.S.S. Bananas

Banana

How the humble banana proves the existence of God aka “The Atheist’s Nightmare”

  • The banana is shaped to fit into the human hand.
  • It comes with a protective, non-slip surface to hold.
  • It is curved towards the face for ease of consumption and does not squirt in one’s face during the act.
  • There is a “pull tab” at the top for easy access.
  • The packaging is biodegradable.
  • It has a simple color code to show ripeness: Green; too early. Yellow; just right. Black; too late.

Click here for a 60-second video of the proof.

Courtesy of Minister Ray Comfort and actor/evangelist Kirk Cameron.

So there I was on Facebook when one of my “friends” suddenly ranted about the “leftists” stopping a new Kirk Cameron movie. “What the?” I said while leaping into action. “Kirk Cameron, my old friend, is still alive?”

It seems Kirk has a new movie called “Unstoppable.” I think it’s about his mouth or something. Anyway, when he went to promote his new movie, the agents of Satan rose up and two things happened:

  • Facebook flagged his movie link as spam
  • YouTube flagged his trailer video as spam

It’s as if all seven seals and vials were broken at once!

My Facebook friend was indignant and filled with righteous rage. He was done with Facebook, he said. Done!!!

It turned out, though, that Cameron had purchased a domain name to promote his movie that had been used in the past. That domain name was over fours years old. I’d print the name but it’s unspeakable here in the Abyss.

Cameron gleefully turned to his followers and proclaimed, “Verily! I have been censored!”

Facebook announced shortly thereafter that the domain had been flagged by an automated spam-prevention system. Kirk’s ad, after being unavailable for a brief period of time, was back online. It was similar on YouTube although as far as I know they never released a statement about the matter.

Kirk took note of the release of his “banned” content and triumphantly proclaimed victory!

And now some Kirk Cameron facts:

  • Cameron’s parents named him in honor of Captain James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek.
  • Cameron identified himself as an atheist until 1988 when, at the age of 17, he became a born again Christian.
  • In 1987 Cameron starred in the movie Like Father, Like Son with actor Dudley Moore, who suffered from a degenerative brain disorder. The condition caused Moore to have symptoms similar to alcohol intoxication and delusions, which Cameron interpreted as the presence of God. The incident played “a significant role” in Cameron’s conversion.
  • After his conversion, Cameron accused three producers of his television show Growing Pains to be “pornographers” for introducing light adult themes to the series. The producers resigned.
  • After his conversion, Cameron insisted on the firing of fellow cast member Julie McCullough because she had appeared nude in Playboy magazine. She was written out of the show.
  • Cameron insisted that Matthew Perry, a guest star on the series, be written out of the show. Reportedly Cameron believed Perry was an “agent of Satan.” The Perry character was written out of the show by driving into a tree after drinking and dying in a hospital bed.
  • Cameron hooked up with preacher Ray Comfort for a television show and, of course, the banana video featured above. (And a whole lot more.)
  • When filming a movie in 2008 Cameron demanded that his wife body double in kissing scenes because, as an actor, Cameron refused to kiss anyone other than his wife.

So, what’s the true explanation for Cameron’s moving being “banned?” Did Facebook and YouTube conspire to censor his awesome movie for a brief period of time only to later change their minds? Or was it really a case of automated spam systems detecting a previously flagged domain name? I argue that the latter explanation is simpler, more plausible and makes the most sense.

Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort co-founded the ministry, The Way of the Master, and co-host a television series of the same name. In 2010, Comfort sent out appointment cards to elderly people advising them of the date and time of their death, and informing them to contact evangelists to avoid going to hell.

Source: Pajiba – Mindhole Blowers: 20 Facts about Kirk Cameron that Might Give You Seaver Fever

Even after the Facebook statement and the restoration of Cameron’s promotion links and trailer, my Facebook friend and his true believer friends were still ranting about the perceived injustices from “leftists” during this incident against their Christian faith.

As a seeker of truth I can only say this. After researching this story and Kirk Cameron’s history and his YouTube channel one thing seems certain: He sure seems to be in love, above all else, with his own mouth and face. And that’s a fact (that it’s my opinion).

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go find a banana.

11 responses

  1. How can you tell someone is an agent of Satan? Is their trench coat red? I mean there must be some definitive way if being one is grounds for dismissal, right?

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    1. Good thinking. I wondered about that, too, and did a bit of research but could find nothing. Kirk’s eagerness to mess with the lives of other people is one of the things that prompted this post.

      Like

  2. I hope I’m not going to hell. I’ve never really liked bananas.

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    1. It pushes the button. It gets a banana. Obviously you don’t roll that way. 🙂

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  3. Ok, Tom, so since I’m allergic to bananas, then I must be an agent of Satan, too, but really? How many agents could the “big evil dude” need? And being his “agent”, aren’t I supposed to be getting a percentage of his income?

    I think I need to re-read the contract, cause I haven’t seen dime one. I’ve been gypped.

    And, not being Christian myself… what does this mean for my afterlife vacation plans? I mean, I can hardly be expected to go to a place that, in my purview, is about as real as Neverneverland.

    Hmmm. Methinks Monsewer Cameron might be full of more than just self-righteousness.

    Like

    1. Wow. Allergic to bananas? Clearly no heaven for you. Some Christians I know, like my Facebook friend discussed in this post, cry out and ask, “Why do people persecute us?” This is typically preceded by statements about how, as an atheist, I’m going to Hell. Related? Naw. It’s nothing personal.

      Like

  4. I wonder if it’s anything like the way of the Jedi. Only with giant light saber crosses instead.

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    1. Gives new meaning to the phrase, “Your Father wanted you to have this.”

      Like

  5. If it rains on an evangelist he cries persecution.

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  6. […] performed an exorcism of the video. (Only applies to Kirk Cameron while trying to promote his latest narcissistic crappy […]

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