I still wake up sometimes. I wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the IKEA FOOD restaurant.
There’s nothing quite like the tormented wails of tiny human miscreants especially when they are SEP (Someone Else’s Problem). Don’t leave home without it!
One thing is certain: Most parents are woefully ignorant of the true nature of their spawn.
But I’m an American and being ignorant is our God-given right! And, like most of the rights we cherish and hold most dear, don’t ever try to actually use them. Or even the inverse thereof.
Confused yet? Me, too. I should break out my calculator but this one time I won’t do that.
Long story short, a cafe owner recently caused an online fracas when, frustrated with the state of the hot mess on the floor of her eatery, she took to Facebook to express herself.
Bad idea? Yeah. It’s almost as bad as salsa from New York City. New York City?!?!? Somebody get a pickup truck. Yee-haw. Let’s ride.
I’m Clearly Not Sam Elliott but I still got something to say. And it goes down smooth.
It happened at a cafe somewhere in the United States…
The cafe owner reportedly didn’t like the screaming of two toddlers and the scone crumbs they had relocated to the floor. So she exercised her right to refuse service and asked the family to leave.
What’s the matter, McFly? Ain’t got no scones?
It was her next move, though, that cemented her in the annals of history as a rising internet star. She posted the photo of the grime scene to Facebook and made the following dire pronouncement:
“I’d like to take this time to thank our customers with small children who don’t make messes.”
Obviously she tried to phrase her complaint in a positive way. Obviously that’s always a bad idea.
As luck would have it, one of the mothers involved became aware of the Facebook posting and VIOLA! A bona fide internet hubbub was birthed.
The response was split. Some people saw it as a victory for those who enjoy actual peace and quiet when in restaurants. (This group is known as My Beloved Peeps.)
Some, however, didn’t take too kindly to it. Nay, not too kindly at all. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what happened next.
“Soon, battalions of commenters, armed with the nerve gas of social media, pilloried McDuff.”
Source: CNET (see link above)
According to the article, the cafe owner reportedly said, “Somebody threatened to drag me behind their truck.”
Ah, America. Home of the free and land of the brave. Just don’t you dare try either or we’ll ram-tough you into roadkill then roast you on a spit.
By the way, why is the pickup truck seemingly so often the weapon of choice of typical lowest-common denominator knuckle-dragger? That’s an exclusive clientele.
The moral of the story? Don’t fuck with kids. Evar. (And don’t ever try to be positive.) Those junior asshole thugs has gots to eat everything in sight so they can achieve fifty percent body fat, grow up to be total sociopaths, then sucker-punch (and kill) the volunteer coach at the neighborhood recreational soccer league. Good times.
As if we needed another reminder that parents are the absolute worst people to ever have kids. Oh, goodie. Look! It’s assholes cloning themselves.
My proposal: All cafes wanting to come out as “kid free zones” must install a full bar, thus preventing entry of anyone under the age of 21. The next round of tequila and donuts is on me!
I tip my hat to the next degeneration of future pickup truck owners. May you roadkill well.