Brat Worst

Whew! Poop tag scored! And check out the drool. This image is a win-win.

Poop tag scored! And check out the drool. This image is a win-win. And away we go…

I still wake up sometimes. I wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the IKEA FOOD restaurant.

There’s nothing quite like the tormented wails of tiny human miscreants especially when they are SEP (Someone Else’s Problem). Don’t leave home without it!

One thing is certain: Most parents are woefully ignorant of the true nature of their spawn.

But I’m an American and being ignorant is our God-given right! And, like most of the rights we cherish and hold most dear, don’t ever try to actually use them. Or even the inverse thereof.

Confused yet? Me, too. I should break out my calculator but this one time I won’t do that.

Long story short, a cafe owner recently caused an online fracas when, frustrated with the state of the hot mess on the floor of her eatery, she took to Facebook to express herself.

Bad idea? Yeah. It’s almost as bad as salsa from New York City. New York City?!?!? Somebody get a pickup truck. Yee-haw. Let’s ride.

I’m Clearly Not Sam Elliott but I still got something to say. And it goes down smooth.

The scene of the grime.

The scene of the grime.

It happened at a cafe somewhere in the United States…

The cafe owner reportedly didn’t like the screaming of two toddlers and the scone crumbs they had relocated to the floor. So she exercised her right to refuse service and asked the family to leave.

What’s the matter, McFly? Ain’t got no scones?

It was her next move, though, that cemented her in the annals of history as a rising internet star. She posted the photo of the grime scene to Facebook and made the following dire pronouncement:

“I’d like to take this time to thank our customers with small children who don’t make messes.”

Source: CNET – Outcry after restaurant Facebook-shames kids for making a mess

Obviously she tried to phrase her complaint in a positive way. Obviously that’s always a bad idea.

As luck would have it, one of the mothers involved became aware of the Facebook posting and VIOLA! A bona fide internet hubbub was birthed.

The response was split. Some people saw it as a victory for those who enjoy actual peace and quiet when in restaurants. (This group is known as My Beloved Peeps.)

Some, however, didn’t take too kindly to it. Nay, not too kindly at all. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what happened next.

“Soon, battalions of commenters, armed with the nerve gas of social media, pilloried McDuff.”

Source: CNET (see link above)

According to the article, the cafe owner reportedly said, “Somebody threatened to drag me behind their truck.”

Ah, America. Home of the free and land of the brave. Just don’t you dare try either or we’ll ram-tough you into roadkill then roast you on a spit.

By the way, why is the pickup truck seemingly so often the weapon of choice of typical lowest-common denominator knuckle-dragger? That’s an exclusive clientele.

The moral of the story? Don’t fuck with kids. Evar. (And don’t ever try to be positive.) Those junior asshole thugs has gots to eat everything in sight so they can achieve fifty percent body fat, grow up to be total sociopaths, then sucker-punch (and kill) the volunteer coach at the neighborhood recreational soccer league. Good times.

As if we needed another reminder that parents are the absolute worst people to ever have kids. Oh, goodie. Look! It’s assholes cloning themselves.

My proposal: All cafes wanting to come out as “kid free zones” must install a full bar, thus preventing entry of anyone under the age of 21. The next round of tequila and donuts is on me!

I tip my hat to the next degeneration of future pickup truck owners. May you roadkill well.

11 responses

  1. Can you make mine a tequila and cronut? I want to be a trendy drunk in a room with a view of no kids.

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    1. Cronut?!? I had to look it up. You got me. Sounds like something from an episode of my beloved Drop Dead Dive.

      Once I was in a Womb With No View. It’s been downhill ever since.

      I think the Donut Tavern may be my greatest invention yet.

      Like

      1. So you mean you came out ass end first? I am not surprised.

        Donut Tavern! Save me a seat at the bar.

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  2. Like I’ve always said…if that kid is crying then he needs to be left in the car (within your visual range while you sit at your table drinking your nonfat soy latte). Isn’t that what daycare is for? And that special sippy juice? “But Daddy, I don’t have a cough…when do I need to drink this cough medicine?”.

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    1. But if you leave it in the car the dog might lick it!

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  3. I’m all for her! Screw crappy kids. I’m amazed at the behavior that people tolerate from their own kids (and forced to tolerate from others’) in restaurants, theaters, stores, and especially airplanes.

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    1. I have postulated that revenge on strangers is the only fun they have left. What we see as annoying crazy happenstance is actually quite diabolical and deliberate.

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  4. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    My recent experience with kids in a restaurant got me hankerin’ for this blast from the past. As you read please try to imagine me crying, yelling and throwing my food. It adds to the experience.

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  5. Nice one…. A very good read

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  6. Hey… I have a doubt regarding my blog…. Since your blog is famous, I thought I’d pick your mind…. you have many headings in the top like awards, cool aid, etc…. How can I get that for my blog..

    Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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