Canned Math

can-roofSWIM (Someone Who Isn’t Me) is at it again. In this case, SWIM is a person (or persons) alleged to have perpetrated the dastardly deed of opening a beverage container and heretofore not consuming the entirety of the liquid contents contained therein.

Furthermore, it is alleged that these deeds were committed in the unfriendly confines of the Abyss Castle and at great expense to your Guru.

It goes a little something like this:

  • SWIM proclaims, “I’m so thirsty!”
  • SWIM takes one of your precious cans of 12-ounce beverage. Likely a soda but it may also be a beer.
  • SWIM heartily quaffs some of the precious nectar of the gods.
  • SWIM sets the can down and aimlessly wanders away leaving a percentage of contents adrift in the oceans of time.

As you might be able to tell by the level of drama and hyperbole, this all pains me so deeply.

Perhaps, you think, why not just pick up the can (yuck!) and take it to SWIM and request the task to be completed? I’ve tried this, and I’m usually subjected to some rendition of “the contents at the bottom don’t taste as good as those on top.”

Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize this was the first layered can of beverage in the universe! My bad.

Maybe they think they’re doing me a favor. Those partially filled cans are quite decorative strewn about the house.

Rather than debate such twisted logic, I grabbed my trusty calculator and decided to wow SWIM with some facts.

Assumption: A six-pack of [insert deadly sugary soda of your choice here] costs about $3.00. Even without my calculator I reckon that’s about 50 cents a can.

Math time!

Q. If someone drinks one ounce of a 12-ounce can, how much did that cost?

A. Assuming $3.00 for a six pack, it works out to cost four cents per ounce. But, if only one ounce was consumed and the can costs 50 cents, then that’s the same as paying 50 cents per ounce. And since the can has 12 ounces, that simple act of unthirstiness creates a $6.00 can of soda.

That’s $6 per can!

I’m sorry, SWIM, but I’d never spend that much on a can of soda for a non-drinker like you.

9 responses

  1. That’s never happened to me. I’ve never done anything like that. I ALWAYS finish a can of whatever down to the very last drop. Really. Honest.

    What? No. I do not have a half a can of fizz-less soda hidden behind my back. Honest.

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    1. You will always be welcome in our home. Compliance with drink finishment policies will be tested.

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  2. Has SWIY (Someone Who Is You) considered buying bottles of pop?
    (And not letting anyone drink your beer.)

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    1. Due to my conversion I no longer drink soda. And I’ve developed an intense resistance to buying anything, can or bottle, that requires a deposit, since I loathe the return center. I would recycle the used containers resulting in a condition known as “Cash Donations To The State.” (That refers to deposits that went unclaimed.)

      To that end I have discovered the beloved Growler. Those are 64-ounce re-usable jugs that you take to the local pub and are filled with draft beer. Viola! No more cans, bottles, or cash donations to the state! It’s magic!

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  3. I’m painfully familiar with this phenomenon, especially when I had kids at home. Their friends were some of the worst offenders. A related phenomenon is when people take a cold can from the refrigerator but don’t replace it with a warm can from the pantry. (It’s not as if I’m requiring to actually buy the can!) It’s so disappointing opening the refrigerator, desperate for a cold Diet Dr. Pepper, and finding NONE! I was never fond of drinks over ice, so I’ve been known to put a warm can in the freezer. Did you know that they explode when you forget about them!

    Many friends have stopping drinking sodas, but I’m not there yet.

    My daughter and her husband bought me a case of Diet Dr. Pepper when I recently visited them in New Hampshire. It was waiting for me in my room. They read my mind! So there is hope!

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    1. Bonus math: If you only drink one ounce per can that makes the “true cost” 16 times more expensive than gasoline! True story. 🙂

      Yeah, family, friends, and other humans are usually the worst offenders. Me? For some reason, I always finish. Perhaps it is because mom trained me (with a whip) on the concept of cleaning one’s plate.

      Chilling more beverages is a good point. If someone is a guest, though, I’m willing be a little easygoing about them not knowing household rules. Failure to Quaff, however, is considered much more egregious.

      Your own case of soda, eh? That’s the moment you lived your whole life for. It must have been sublime.

      I actually gave up soda, the addiction of my life. Still, this partial can phenomenon still seems to happen because people bring their own cans and bottles into the house. So on top of everything else it’s also Addiction Taunting! 🙂

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  4. It finishes the soda in the can, or it gets the hose again.

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    1. The dream of the indoor hose! Yes!

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      1. I recall that Buffalo Bill’s was technically indoors.

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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