Guru’s Little Helper

negativityI’ve talked in the past about how negativity saved my life. And you can, too!

Come to think of it, that was the day I became the self-entitled self-titled “Guru” of Negativity and earned a Participant ribbon. That was the red letter date in Guru history.

But, if you think about it, negativity can do so much more than simply save your life. I’m talking about the really important stuff. Forget trivialities like staying alive! (Unless you are one of Bee Gees. That’s the only exception and even they don’t do it right.)

Negativity can do the little things, too. Like brightening your day.

I’ll try to think of an example.

Over on yonder shelf sits a massive jar of some life-giving substance that you desperately crave. For the sake of argument, let’s say that it contains granulated sugar. Yeah, that’ll do.

The top of the jar has a screw top lid. So what do you do?

Naturally you reach out and grab that jar, using your krav maga death grip with your overly tiny little hand, and, this is the important part, leech a hold on nothing but the lid.

This is a natural instinct among humans. (Or so I’ve heard. I’m not actually one of you.) It’s an act of faith and trust. It’s a little voice inside you shouting for all to hear, “See? I trust the person before me put the lid back on and secured it tight. I have faith.” This is silly, but especially so when you live alone and are talking about yourself. (That’s the last person you should trust.)

Then what do you do? You hold that sucker out at arm’s length. The jar weighs .01 metric tons and the physics of holding it out that far exponentially increases the amount of force required to keep it aloft.

If that lid comes off what happens next is a certainty. The jar will impact the floor, glass will fly outward in a shrapnel pattern, both eyeballs will be cut out of your face, and the sugar will reach critical mass causing a mini-nuclear explosion that, albeit sweet and delicious, will make one permanently sticky.

This is where negativity comes in. It says, “If you pick that up, you will fail.” It then invites you to picture in your mind what was just described in the previous paragraph.

To negativity you should listen. Get off your ass, walk all the way across the room, grab that sucker, and screw the lid back on tight before attempting anything foolhardy and foolish, fool!

You’re welcome.

12 responses

  1. This is why I only use sugar that comes in those little packets. Bitch to open if you like a lot of sugar in your coffee but no need to wear safety glasses.

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    1. Critical mass is really hard to reach in a packet. Those are like the control rods of sweetness.

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  2. Hi all. This is Mrs. Abyss. Waving to you from under the bus. You know, the one Tom threw me under. OMG TOM, I apologized over three months ago and you are still bitching about it!!!

    I promise to always secure the lid on the sugar jar.

    I promise to always secure the lid on the sugar jar.

    I promise to always secure the lid on the sugar jar.

    I promise to always secure the lid on the sugar jar.

    Blah, blah, blah…

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    1. Yes, it took me three months to summon the courage to write this most necessary post.

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  3. Now, I must stand on the side of my girl crush…you must forgive, Tom. Or I may have to make a voodoo doll in the image of what I picture you looking like. Go gently into that good post. 😉

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    1. Is that supposed to be a threat? Because it only leaves me feeling strangely excited. 🙂

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      1. LOL….that just made me spit coffee all over myself!!

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  4. When you dropped the jar, it was the cosmos telling you that sugar is bad for you! Please listen!

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    1. As a true American, I’ve been trained since the moment of birth to want the sugar. You obviously skimmed this post and missed the part where I defined it as the “life-giving substance that you desperately crave.” 🙂

      For me, sugar is the final frontier of addiction. I’ve given up the soft drinks (a.k.a. “liquid sugar”) but still require a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee. It’s hard to turn your back on an entire lifetime of training.

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      1. Skim! Hardly! I go 100 percent whole fat. (I lie. Yes, skim is for me.) But yes the cosmos is telling you to give up that sugar addiction.

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      2. 100 percent whole fat. LOL! I’m glad you don’t skim.

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  5. When I was a teenage dick, we used to do that to the salt and pepper shakers at fast-food restaurants. There’s a special level of hell awaiting me.

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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