Help Wanted: Guru Assistant #craigslist

Craigslist scum

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Here we grow again!

There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.

The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.

The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.

A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

  • Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
  • Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
  • Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
  • Clean toilets
  • Whorehousing
  • Handwash underwear
  • Make coffee
  • Take dictation
  • Pre-chew all gum
  • Serve as ergonomic ottoman
  • Edit blog posts
  • Take messages
  • Give massages
  • Offer opinion on all tweets
  • Spam “like” social media as directed
  • Participate in friendly pillow fights
  • Screen calls especially those from my wife
  • Conduct blind taste tests
  • Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
  • Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often

Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.

This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.

If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.

If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.

Ad copy provided by Barely Legal Headhunters, Inc.

7 responses

  1. I just don’t understand why woman aren’t lining up for this position. *grin*

    Like

    1. I know, right? I keep hoping someone will apply so I can take a break. He’s very demanding…or shall I say demented.

      Like

      1. Actually, this ad was a secretly-coded plea for help. My wife is keeping me hostage. Help!

        Like

      2. Demanding. Demented. Deranged. Looks like he’s clocking all Ds. FAIL!

        Like

    2. Perhaps y’all missed the clever wordplay I employed in this ad. “Ass-is-Tant.” Maybe now the resumés will start flowing!

      Like

      1. Maybe from “Hookers for Hire Hotline.”

        Like

  2. How come a bunch of applicants didn’t send me pictures of their naughty parts? Perhaps I should have specified a male employee, eh?

    Like

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