Holiday: Coffee Comparisons

coffeeBuying some joe as a last-minute holiday gift for uncle Java? This handy holiday pricing comparison guide may be of value.

Scenario 1:

  • Jungle Booty, one pound bag: $12.00
  • Oils Well That Grounds Well, one pound bag: $9.00

Recommendation: Oils Well is the better value.

Scenario 2:

  • Orbital Scapes, 1 pound bag: $12.00
  • Organic Animal Poops, 12 ounce bag: $12.00
  • Rainforest Tops, 250 grams bag: $12.00

Note: 250 grams equates to approx. 8.81849 ounces. Oh, look! They found another way to say “smaller than 12 ounces.” How very clever.

Ah, this scenario is a bit more tricky. Which is the best value? We better calculate to a standardized unit of measurement like Price Per Pound (PPP). Some retailers are now using a new common unit of measurement (called “the bag”) that they hope you will swallow hook, line and sinker.

Table of Standardized Prices

Orbital Scapes: $12.00 per pound
Organic Animal Poops: $16.00 per pound
Rainforest Canopy: $21.77 per pound (translates loosely as “fuck you”)

Recommendation: Avoid all coffee sold using metric measurements. Evar!

You’re welcome!

4 responses

  1. Aren’t we neglecting the fact that it all tastes like diesel fuel?

    Merry christmas to you and Mrs. Abbys,

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    1. That depends. You better have me perform an altitude analysis of your beans. They should be at least as high as Juan Valdez.

      Merry Christmas to you and yours!

      Like

  2. We went into a coffee shop last year in January that was selling its DISCOUNTED “Special Holiday Roast” for — and I’m not making this up — $27/pound. DISCOUNTED!?!?!? From what?

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    1. I think those were Juan Valdez’ factory seconds. One thing I’ve learned about coffee: Never ask what “seconds” means.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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