The waitress approached our table, looked me directly in the eye and said, “Do you need change?”
Wait. What? You don’t even know me! How dare you?
I had to admit, though. She was right. I did need change. A lot of it. I decided to start with a slice of New York cheesecake (is there any other kind?) drizzled with strawberry syrup.
Luckily 2014 was right around the corner and I’d soon have the opportunity to issue false platitudes and reassuring justifications to myself and pretend that I’d try to improve.
Since she was there, I decided to ask her for her assessment and she gave me the following list.
New Year’s Resolutions (and various what nots):
- Initiate a predestination paradox. (I may have already done this.)
- I’m currently followed by three Darth Vader bots. New Year’s Twitter Resolution: Get followed by at least three more. #darthvader
- Do not excrete.
- Extend lifelong streak of never wearing a #fedora. #winning
- Lifetime Achievement in Resolution: Outlive Harold Camping. #success #winning #ChickenLittle
- Aim for a more robust time utilization curve.
- More time with cats, less time with humans.
- Shorter tweets.
- Go outside, ban multitasking, breathe more, be mindful of the moment, less devices, get more sleep, improve myself.
- Make no resolutions. Dammit, already failed.
- Give up air, water and food. #aimhigh #goals
- Become clickbait.
- Achieve transcendental state of pathos personified.
- Do not make statements in the form of questions?
- Avoid asking questions that could give the impression I give a shit.
- Punch in the face anyone using the phrase “baby bump.”
- Excel at writing New Year’s resolutions for other people. Ex: “Don’t be so damn quick to tell other people they are wrong.”
- Rain on a parade.
- Improve my nowcasting skills.
- Take more thought showers.
- Walk by a mirror.
- Live on bread alone.
- Be an island.
- Use a magnifying glass to find my TV. Yes, I still call it a TV.
- Photoshop of a picture of me into something that won’t make people barf. But then go ahead make them barf anyway. #avoidable #barf
- Avoid all natural and artificial flavors.
- Leave my current job. And for bonus points I’m making it life or death. Wanna save my life? Hire me.
- Unfriend and/or unfollow anyone who uses the word “nom” in a food context.
- Do not bring my mother as “loved one” when I appear on Survivor.
- Invent a new genre of stand-up comedy. I’m only going to tell non-laughable jokes.
- Excise at least one instance of the word “that” from every blog post.
- Watch something in my Netflix queue.
- Get the Q-Tip a little deeper in my ear every day for an entire year.
- Take a lot more selfies. Esp: nude beach.
- Give myself one star on Yelp.
- Remain exactly the same.
I’ll probably need a spreadsheet to keep track of my progress. And graphs. Lots and lots of graphs.
Keep the change you filthy animal!!!