Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.
Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.
Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.
True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.
So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.
Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
What is it to be livid? Well, it’s a Siamese twin to the emotion of anger. I’d quote the definition in Wikipedia but it just made me angry. Find the damn thing yourself. Either way, anger is an important emotion because it keeps you on the top of your game. In Guru of Negativity theory it is anger which fuels the bite or blight response which is quite necessary to survival of the shittest. (See: Origins of the Feces.)
[A]nger both encourages people to believe they can control their future and then motivates them to take risks.
Source: Psychology Today (deliberately taken out of context)
As an advanced practitioner of negativity, long ago I realized I had the ability to make myself livid at will. Often when having an otherwise pleasant day I realized I would do it without the benefit of external stimuli of any kind. I’d just do it. Suddenly my eyes were blurry, my heart was pounding and my day was hellish. This is something any guru in training must learn to become enblightened.
Now on to the the little acorns that will become mighty oaks. (You gotta think positive.)
Not the emotional sort. Suffice it to say that’s a prerequisite. I’m talking about physical pain. Never underestimate the power of self-torture to impact your mood. Stub your big toe on any bowling ball that might happen to be laying around, your little toe on the damn corner of the bed frame, or, just go back to the basics and hammer your thumb.
You’re off to a good start.
Cling dearly to the idea that fairness should exist. This will always serve you well whether you are trying to become angry or not.
Mirrors are powerful objects in the world of the negative. You should own plenty of them. Never miss a chance to take a look and relish in the hate.
Duality and concepts like yin and yang teach us that without bad the good has no meaning. In other words, the bad is important. When in the bad take note, because it’s just doing you a favor by making the good look good. Extend this principle by comparing something about yourself with someone else. Ex: I’m being rear-ended in a shitty Ford Pinto (only allow two seconds for this thought experiment) while that worthless piece of shit over there is being rear-ended in a BMW.
Be offended at everything you see. Claim the high moral ground and look down on everyone else. Wax your board to make it go faster before you hit the slippery slopes. Wipeouts are gnarly.
Seek out the most distress situations to impact your mind at a subliminal level. An infant screaming is designed, by nature, to be the most disturbing auditory input to humans. That sound can sometimes be hard to track down, if so, go for the next best thing like the food court in an IKEA furniture store or a theater during a G-rated movie. Really listen and allow the sound to feast on your soul.
Read the news. A lot. Every chance you get. Nuff said.
We’ve all heard that crap about “the only person who controls our feelings is you.” For once, this actually works in our favor. Embrace it and feel empowered as you will yourself to become even angrier.
Avoid Angry Birds. They are too cutesy to be of any real assistance.
Strive to see the world as it really is. This should automatically make most people angrier.
They say “music hath charms to sooth a savage breast.” I guess maybe if the music is charming. Conversely, then, we can assume that savage music makes the soothing breast more savage. Ah, yes. This is helpful. Personally I like Disturbed, Type O Negative, Theory Of A Deadman and Nickelback. Your mileage may vary. Make this shit the “soundtrack of your strife” like Dick Clark used to say.
These are just suggestions. It’s important to experiment and find what works for you. Then, once you’re really good and angry, know that nothing you feel will ever make any difference to a hill of beans in an infinite number of eternities. That final thought should be the one that seals the deal.
Enjoy and be sure to share your new-found feelings with everyone who shares your life.