Mr. Editor, Mr. Blogger’s Apprentice (unpaid), members of the WordPress community, fellow Abyssians, dear reader:
I am happy. I am elated. I am full of good cheer.
Yes, it has been a banner year for negativity. The future is so bright I have to wear shades. Just make sure the lenses are made out of lead to stop the radiation.
To my apprentice, let me say this: Make no mistake, I need another trenta caramel frappuccino with whipped cream. Go get me one.
In short, there’s good news on every possible horizon. Hyppo and Critter have made up and are getting along famously. The Guru on the top of the mountain is only giving out good advice. Our son has outgrown his gerbil phase and is treating us decently. Hell, I’ve even forgiven my #boss and we kissed and made up. There is no pain. I am not crying.
This year I’m going to have a vacation. As of yesterday I even have health care, just like a real person. I have to admit, I’m feeling very confused.
To celebrate this new era, I’ve decided to ROAK my ass off. Now, in my free time, I like to go to the city park and pick up dog poop for those who forgot.
If my neighbor has his stereo up too loud, I take it as a cause for celebration and run into the yard and dance.
I called Comcast and asked a random employee for their address because I wanted to ship them a teddy bear and chocolates.
And, in an act of hubris the likes of which the world has never seen, I bought a second chip clip.
I see things clearly now. The meaning of life is that we’re all in this together, so why not be nice to each other?
I no longer have the time to get angry at car alarms. Each and every time I hear one I stop what I’m doing and sprint as fast as I possibly can towards the audio/visual disturbance. After all, it could mean someone is in trouble. What if someone needed help and I failed to meet that challenge? And besides, if not, as least I jump-started ye olde heart muscle and got a bit of bonus exercise. It’s a cheerful win-win!
In the spirit of giving the world a second chance I’ve invested all of my money in the stock market. I’m confident that I’ll be treated fairly as have as much opportunity as anyone else.
Stop the presses, I even signed up for a one-year membership on Ancestry.com. I hope it’s not too late to make my mark – perhaps a wee leaf – on the family tree!
This is going to be a very special day. Get out there and supersize your life!
Let’s promise to meet here again tomorrow and see how it all went. Remember, I love you all! May God bless the Abyss and may God bless you.