Skater adamant he didn’t pee in to-be-flushed Portland reservoir

Tom doesn’t think Dallas is dumb because he peed in the water. Tom thinks Dallas is dumb because Dallas talks about himself in the third-person. That’s just weird, man. And why isn’t the headline for this story “Dallas Pisses In Portland’s Water,” because that has a much more sinister ring to it. Why does Dallas hate Portland? Is it because we serve more kale and have more FPC (Fedoras Per Capita) than any city in the United States? With this latest flush of 38 million gallons, Portland breaks it’s own record of 7.5 million gallons in the same reservoir. Me? I’m not understanding the science. I mean, don’t ducks poop in that water? What the hell are they doing about that? Duck poop good, teenager pee bad. Personally I think the punishment should fit the crime. I would have made Dallas drink the water. All of it.

WPIX 11 New York

FRANCE-THEME-WATER Water meant to reach residents’ taps will instead be discarded after a teenager was caught urinating into a Portland reservoir. (Photo: Getty Images)

PORTLAND, Ore. (PIX11) — A skater accused of urinated in a Portland reservoir forcing city water officials to dump 38 million gallons of drinking water admits he answered nature’s call near the reservoir, but definitely did not pee in the water.

That’s according to an exclusive, expletive-laden interview by Vocativ with teen.

“Everybody thinks it’s funny and a joke and I’m going to be on the news,” Dallas Swonger told the digital newsgathering operation.

“It’s no f—in’ joke, dude. I don’t want people thinkin’ that Dallas is dumb ass because he pissed in the f—in’ water. In our drinking water. Yeah, that’s f—ing awesome. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissed about that?”

Vocativ reports that Swanson had recently moved back to Portland and was skateboarding with…

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One response

  1. “Dallas Pisses In Portland’s Water” Genius.Sheer genius. Your suggested punishment, too.

    Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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