Of Gerbils and Men

This one’s for you, dad. Life isn’t fair. I’m beginning to understand what you were trying to say.

Shouts from the Abyss

Our G.R.I.P.E. scientists have been hard at work making another exciting gerbil discovery. But first, an update.

The gerbil code-named Farley is 22 years old, still lives at home, has never held down a real job for any significant period of time, has a medical marijuana card for his “sore back,” and was recently approved for food stamps.

Farley has had a few jobs in his four-year “career” since graduating high school (a rare feat amongst gerbils) but the outcome of his employment is always the same: He either quits or gets fired after an amazingly short period of time.

Farley was recently hired as a dishwasher at a local restaurant. Apparently the chef was not too impressed with Farley’s work ethic. One day the chef asked Farley to “pick up the pace.” Farley, not one to be known for a lack of self-expression, replied, “Get off my back.” Witty…

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Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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