Two Jokes Walk Into A Bar #barjokes

bar-jokeTwo jokes walk into a bar and get hit in the face. #punchline

Yeah, I just wrote that one. Right now. Real time.

So I thought it would be a fun and cheap blog post idea to find some of the bar jokes I’ve written on the Twitter. Bad idea. It turned out to be a lot more work than I thought!

Someone should buy me a drink!

I write all my own jokes except the ones I steal. I wrote all of the following. Any resemblance to other bar jokes is damn shitty.

Enjoy!

Two hadron colliders walk out of a bar and say, “Let’s meet up later.”

I walked into a #Portland bar and a #hipster projected #identity all over me.

Two empty calendars walk into a bar and say, “We’re just here to get some dates.”

Paris walks into a bar and says, “I’m here to get plastered.”

Two poachers walk into a bar and ask, “Is this a good place to hunt?” The bartender replies, “As long as you keep your traps shut.”

Two angry ghosts walk into a bar and ask, “Can we talk politics in here?” The bartender replies, “Sure, as long as it’s not mean-spirited.”

Two declawed cats walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We’d order some drinks but we’re a little low on scratch.”

Two #maps walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We’ll take two Cartesian well drinks.”

Two lampshades walk into a bar and ask the bartender, “Who you got to stick up our asses?”

An optimist and a pessimist walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We’ll share a single full glass.”

Two Dick Cheney’s walk into a bar and say, “We’re ready for some shooters.”

These two ghosts walk into a bar and sing, “Another Saturday night and we ain’t got no body.”

Two maggots walk into a bar and ask, “How’s the grub?”

Two tennis players walk into a bar and demand some service.

Two minds walk into a bar and say, “We’re here to get wasted.”

Two brains walk into a bar and order zombies.

Two knives walk into a bar and ask the bartender, “Is it open mic night? We’re a couple of cut-ups.”

Two young goats walk into a bar and one of them orders the Human Sacrifice. He then tells the shocked bartender, “I kid, I kid.”

Two gluons walk into a bar, take a look around and then yell at the bartender, “Hey, what gives? We heard this was Quark’s!”

Two guys playing trombones walk into a bar and kick some people off their stools. “We’re here to horn in! Barkeep, two mudslides!”

These two #tigers walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey, strangers. What’ll you have?” The tigers reply, “Fill up our #growlers.”

Two strips of bacon walk into a bar and order Santana DVX because it’s so crisp.

A gluten-free zombie walks into a bar. “Grains… grains… grains…”

Two smartphones walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We want to order some apps.”

Two brass tacks walk into a bar, raise their drinks and say, “It’s time to get down to us.”

Two dirt bikes walk into a bar and toast the bartender, “Here’s mud in your eye!”

Two foxes walked into a bar and said nothing.

Two stalks of wheat walked into a gluten-free brewery. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender growled.

Two demons walk into a bar. They ask the bartender, “What’s good here?”

These two hooks walk into a bar and say to the bartender, “Keep ’em coming. It’s our night off.”

Two meatballs walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We’re here to get sauced.”

Two horny Ewoks walked into a bar a created a sticky Wicket.

Two twizzles walk into a bar and got shot by the bartender.

Two pieces of bread walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sup, home slice? Looking to get toasted? And who’s the heel?”

Two chads walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “Dude, c’mon. Don’t leave us hanging.”

Two spreadsheets walk into a bar and tell the bartender, “We’d like to open a new tab.”

Two disembodied brains in vats walk into a bar. Gotcha! Because, no legs.

Two beings of pure energy walk into a bar, order whiskey and say, “Keep ’em coming.” The bartender says, “Ah, what’s the matter?”

Two sewing needles walk into a bar. “What’ll it be, strangers?” the bartender asks. “Anything but make it quick! We’re hanging by a thread!”

These two flies walk into a bar and say to the bartender, “What’s good to throw up on here?”

Two tennis rackets walk into a bar. “I got no balls,” says one. “Get a grip will ya?” replies the other. #highstrung

These two sprouts walk into a very seedy bar…

Two evils walked into a bar. Both yelled, “Lesser one pays! Twix! Lololol!”

Two #pumpkins walk into a bar. Long story short, they beat eat other to a pulp. #GotNothing

Foo, WTF and FTW walked into a bar.

These two nuns walk into a bar and I’m there to film it for the internet. That’s gotta hurt.

Two amoebas walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll ya have?” One amoeba shrugs and says, “Ask him. He’s supposed to be the genus.”

These two martinis walk into a bar and say, “Are olive you happy to see us?”

5 responses

  1. I can’t believe you’re not on the comedy circuit. These are jokes to get drunk by. And who would dare heckle you knowing they’d end up on your Twitter feed? Win-win.

    Like

    1. Almost daily I cry at my wife, “Why am I not a famous comedian?” I think it has something to do with a complete lack of talent, but that’s just a guess. I did think this post would get a bit more love, though. Everyone’s a critic.

      I’ve tried some of these jokes in real life. They never seem to go over well.

      Like

      1. What?! Twitter isn’t real life?

        Like

  2. Wow. It was like I couldn’t stop looking away.

    Like

    1. Two Martians walk into a bar and ask, “Hey, where are the Venetians?”

      Like

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