I Chop To The Trees

Image courtesy of Richard Hogg. (Click for original.)

Image courtesy of Richard Hogg. (Click for original.)

The people in the self-described “weird” city of Portland, Oregon are serious about many things. Like roses, microbrew, recycling, bridges, kale, bicycling, front yard gardens, cafés with garage doors, beards, fedoras, the Trailblazers, dogs and, last but not least, trees. These are but a few of our favorite things.

We were lucky enough to be the recipients of a new tree in our front yard courtesy of a non-profit organization that plants and cares for trees in metro areas. We also routinely have a CAR2GO parked down the block but that’s another story.

What we didn’t know was that this tree was the harbinger of a new long-term relationship in our lives. These trees like to put down roots.

Taking on the responsibility of a tree is a serious matter. It’s nothing to bark at.

We recently received our second report card (in the form of a flyer on our door) based on a personalized visit to our home. Yes, in a crazy mixed-up world where abused children often go unnoticed and sadly fall through the cracks, our baby tree is lavished with love, support and attention. If only the government could run with this much efficiency.

I thought I’d end this post by leafing you with a description of our tree parenting grades. I told my wife we should have redshirted the bastard but no one ever listens to me. Now our graduation ceremony marking us as successful tree companions is in danger of going timber.

Soil: Mixed. Ours was rated “a little dry.”

Mulch: Thumbs down. Ouch. But they said they’ll take care of it.

Root Zone: Thumbs up.

Bark: Thumbs up.

Canopy: Thumbs up.

Sucker Growth: Thumbs up. (Apparently we got a waiver for me to remain on the property.)

Overall Grade: Double secret probation.

There was nary a gold star on our report card. Apparently we’re falling down on the job. But we did get a nice thank you doing our part to help the “urban forest” grow.

In the comments section they also noted that we have failed to properly christen Junior with a name for his root certificate. I’ve purchased some baby name books and we hope to accomplish this soon. I’ve already got a bottle of champagne ready to smash on his/her trunk. Hopefully the christening procedure won’t hurt our Bark Rating.

No trees were harmed during the creation of this post.

11 responses

  1. What a nice idea! A tree is lovely to look at and may provide some noise protection from your neighbors. You should ask for more. *grin*

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    1. I can’t ask for more trees. It would block the view. I wouldn’t be able to see the forest.

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  2. Ooo! Call him ‘Rooty’ or ‘Trunky’ or ‘Mulchy’.
    Kudos for tree planting. You’re my hero for the day.

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    1. I was thinking more like Barkalypse but those are certainly worthy of consideration. They have a nice ring to them.

      Did I mention I also water the tree?! We put a couple of holes in the bottom of a 5-gallon bucket and I haul that thing out a few times a week.

      I’ve been thinking about branching out, though.

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      1. Well, ok. Just don’t mulch it up… no? That’s all I got.

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  3. NotAPunkRocker | Reply

    Name it Leif.

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    1. You got me with that one! I was not expecting humor in that vein.

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      1. NotAPunkRocker

        Nicely played there!

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  4. Is it Doug Fir? Maybe Granny Smith Apple? Sugar Maple to her friends?

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  5. I say you call it “hodenbrecher”. Google Translate tells me that’s a fair translation for “ball breaker”.

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  6. Call him Ash.

    I like the idea of planting trees. I hope it ends up as majestic as the one on your license plate.

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